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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Breakthrough realization
Post Info TOPIC: Breakthrough realization
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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Breakthrough realization
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I had a breakthrough this morning.  I was obsessing about my ex.  And so I was yearning and missing him and having these conversations in my mind where I explain the truth and he gets it and repents and everything's perfect...  And I was trying to get this obsession out of my mind by telling myself, "You are not thinking realistically about this relationship; this is your addiction."  And I thought how it seems as if, if I were back in the relationship, it would feel so good -- even though I can summon up memories of all the ways in which I was miserable.  It occurred to me that that was the problem: if I check the specifics, there were dozens of red flags there, dozens of things that made me miserable.  But the feelings don't hit home: I still feel all warm and happy when I think of being in that relationship.  Even though it hardly ever felt warm and happy when I was in it.  It mostly felt anxious and miserable. But I kept having that hope that just around the corner I would be warm and happy, and that hope kept me stuck.  And obsessing about how I was going to make it warm and happy, or keep it that way, kept me distracted from the rest of my life.

So I realized -- this is the essential disconnect!  This is why the drinkers keep drinking!  The disconnect between their experience and their feelings about it!   If they look at their pattern of drinking, they'll see all the passing out and ruining relationships and losing jobs and getting DUIs.  But they don't feel them.  They feel the same emotions I'm feeling -- they think of drinking and it makes them all warm and happy.  That history of problems and misery caused by drinking seems no more real than the plot of a TV show. 

This helps me to realize why drinkers keep drinking, when the terrible consequences seem so obvious to everyone else.  They must feel the way I do -- the actual misery doesn't come through, but the idea of it seems like a wonderful refuge.

And this helps me see the reality of my own obsessing about my relationship.  Thinking "I could have made it work" is like an alcoholic not accepting the reality of the situation -- the damage, the misery.  I need to keep looking at the real situation, not my false feelings, my delusion that that's where I can find happiness. 

This is a lot for me to think about.

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Debilyn


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Great one lady! Like ohhh almond m and m's are so good. like the crunch, mmmm chocolate. yum on sale.

forgot it makes my joints inflame, makes me horriby ill, causes a migraine, makes me crave more and more..

I get it. yea I agree, this is what made me see they have to finally get sick enough, hit bottom in other words because they realized how horrible it does make them feel and how it does make them hate their life.

Good subject. I like how you put it.

love,deb

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
RLC


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I have to keep reminding myself-------It's the disease "dummy", it's the disease. I picture the words "It's The Disease" flashing on and off on my alocholics forehead. This helps me to "Not React", and save my serenity. Last night the sign was flashing, this morning I had coffee and conversation with the same person and no flashing lights. I do so enjoy the good times when the disease in not in control.

HUGS,
RLC

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Jerry F


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Aloha Mattie...you got it exactly right and what a great breakthrough...sober and serene
thinking.  You are able to understand clearly...the AHA!! moment after standing back
the picture, not so close that you couldn't see and understand anything.   Program talks
about this new ability to take the detached perspective and realize the truth.  I am happy
for your moment of clarity...may the denial and delusion never return on that chapter for
you.

I remember mine and I remember what came just after from inside my mind and from
my sponsors own lips,  "Now that you know Jerry F...Now what?"    We get to decide if
we want more now...more understanding especially understanding of self. 

You might have heard the voice inviting you to go further.  Now what does Mattie do?

Keep coming back I hope and I hope also sharing this important experiences.

(((((hugs)))))    In support.   smile

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Temple


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I think what keeps us going, at least for a long time, in relationships like this is because they fit the criteria for classical conditioning.

If a pigeon in a lab is taught to press a button in order to receive a treat, he will do it over and over until he is satisfied, or stuffed. And then over time he will do it less and less. Just whenever he is really needing a treat.

In order to make a crazy, obsessive pigeon, one arranges the mechanism in such a way that he sometimes receives a treat and sometimes doesn't.

Actually, I think the animal was a rat. But I digress.

Anyway, when the animal doesn't know whether he will get a reward or not, he will push the button over and over.

And add to the mix the occasional rather mild but still unpleasant electric shock, and you can drive him quite over the edge.

I have felt like that rat.

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
RunnerChick


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I really needed to hear this today.
I'm feeling empty and was starting to feel resentful towards my EXABF - wondering why he didn't WANT me - making it about me.

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