Need ESH on separation from AH and our children - Al-Anon Family Group

3littlekittens · Member

Need ESH on separation from AH and our children

3littlekittens · Member

***ooops...just a clarification on my "Subject"...sounds like I am separating from my children too! Never! :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your kids are old enough to read some literature with you on this disease the alateen book A day at a time ADAT is awsome a friend used to read the paragraph for the day let her kids talk about what they thought it meant and she would explain her thoughts on the page .
Alcoholics do what alcoholics do ---- drink , Asking him not to drink when he has the kids in theory should work but as u have already seen it dosent .
Your kids are old enough to know when he has been drinking too much and if they become frightened they could phone u and u can go and pick them up .Just a thought and if he continues i would ask for supervised visits thru family services , our kids need to feel safe and count on us to be there for them .

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a difficult situation, and I know you are caught between a rock and a hard place with this, so I am just give MY opinion and hope you will not be offended by same. I would have difficulties leaving children this young with someone with alcoholism. With the best will in the world I do not believe he can stay sober, though he may have the best of intentions. It may be that you might need to supervise these visits yourself or with someone else. Also as a child of an alcoholic, its damaging to the children to witness this by themselves, not so much with you as a stable responsible parent. I do not want to fill your head with needless fears, but as a double winner here, I know my own behaviour was not exemplary as a mother while under the influence of alcohol, so I coming from that place, rather than one of non-understanding.

3littlekittens · Member

Thank you Abbyal--I had not thought of the Alateen ODAT. I will see about getting that when I go to my home group on Monday. Great idea. Thank you.

-k

3littlekittens · Member

Dear Maire--thank you for your thoughts. I completely agree, and the thought of having my kids with my AH in a visitation-type situation has been so terrifying for me that that has literally kept me in the relationship for longer than what I should have stayed. He is in complete denial (at least to me) that there is any problem at all with his drinking. When I spoke to an attorney about this very thing, he was not optimistic about being able to legislate that he cannot drink while they are with him, plus it is impossible to enforce. I appreciate your thoughts on this and they certainly echo mine. Thank you.

--k

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe your attorney can tell you what the options are for some kind of supervised visitation. There are agencies that provide space for that, or you may be able to arrange something on your own -- maybe the kids meet him in a public place (a pizza restaurant, an ice rink, etc.) A shorter visitation, as these would be, will also minimize problems.

I agree that he won't not drink. Drinking is what they do. So: what kind of visitation would be manageable with him drinking? It might be just once or twice a month for a couple of hours.

Your attorney can also advise you if you need to get the custody arrangements changed in court. If you have physical evidence of his drinkings (DUIs, etc.), that would help. But if he's agreeable to changing the arrangements informally, you can just do it that way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I always look at it this way. What would the law think of you if you left your kids with a drunk babysitter?

You know she is a drunk, you know she is using when you leave the kids there.

The situation is no different if it is a relative. It's dangerous, we have to protect our children.

You are on the right track! Good for you. Hey if your A was sober, do you honestly believe he would leave his babies with a drunk babysitter?

He needs you to be the rock about this. hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha 3lks I've worked the system before included family services and child welfare
including the YWCA programs. In unity they are all focused on child welfare including
never putting children in harms way. If family court is involved in your separation I
would address the situation with them. I don't ever remember a family court judge
approving or making the recommendation of a drinker having custody of any type
while actively and if the drinker did drink during the process they would be held in
contempt and given consequences. You're alcoholic knows the issues and the reality
and when I use to work with guys like that I would accuse them of being in contempt
of the reality and being abusive. Just from my experiences.

Under the influence means under the influence of abnormal, irrational and alcohol.
Exercising courage in the face of the alcoholic is scary. Practice makes it better.

((((hugs)))) smile

lmw · Senior Member

Hi 3 littlekittens -

My three kids are 10-1/2, 9 in 15 days, and just turned 7 last week. When I filed for divorce, full custody was the only option I would consider. My AH was so deep in his disease at that point, though, that there he couldn't take care of himself, let alone the kids. But as he was a homeless alcoholic with four DUI's, I felt pretty safe with me getting full custody.

Right now he's living nearby, renting a room and sober for maybe 12 weeks now (I don't try to keep track anymore). He doesn't have a license, so no car. I decide when the kids get to see him. If he had the type of visitation you described, I'd be sick with worry.

As long as he's sober, I figure out how to make that work at least a couple times a week - but NEVER overnight. They spend a lot of time at the library and just for the last 4-6 weeks, I've been letting them visit where he lives, since he's got his own room and a TV in it. If he's drinking, he doesn't even want the kids around, so that hasn't been an issue.

My older two have both read "What's Drunk, Mama" and we all three are in counseling. It definitely helped us to start talking.

While I spend more time around the ex than I'd like to at this point, as long as he's sober, it's good for the kids to see him. He's still their Daddy and they love him. I just try to explain that Daddy's loves them, but he's sick.

Keep protecting your little ones - they're counting on you to take care of them.

Linda

Nodaybut2day · Member

Hi 3littlekittens,

Just wanted to chime in as a mom who has recently separated from her alcoholic husband. Right after I left, all visitations took place with ME supervising. That really ticked my STBX off. We went to mediation as required by law, and I informed STBX and the mediator that I was concerned for my daughter's safety while in the presence of her father, due to his drinking (among other thing). STBX volunteered not to drink in her presence. I ended up demanding that he not drink in the 12 hours preceeding the visitation, to ensure that no trace of alcohol was left in his system. Surprisingly, he agreed, perhaps because he was tired of me supervising him. My lawyer later told me that the most I could obtain from the court was an order for STBX not to drink while caring for our child, OR, if he showed up drunk, I could deny him visitation. I would have to make sure to log all instances of his intoxication and present this to my lawyer, so a new custody agreement could be ratified.

All this say, check with a lawyer for the applicable laws in your area. Are you planning on trying to get custody of your children? I'd say you stand a good chance if your X has DUIs and been in treatment...You might even be able to get court ordered supervised visitation only...

And, it might be helpful to journal and write down every instance of intoxication (with dates and times and summaries of events).

I second the Al-Ateen thing. I introduced my stepson to the Al-Anon chat room meetings and he later told me he got a lot out of it.

Hth!

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