The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been in recovery for a few years now and not attending face to face meetings for a while. Online is safer for me.
I was "raised" by alcoholics and I married someone who was also "raised" by alcoholics. All of my relationships are dysfunctional/abusive/harmful etc.
I'll say it in advance, I am a sensitive creature. Growing up with alcoholics/workaholic/unavailable-overgrown-children, and that's exactly what I've become. if/WHEN I get offended and hurt (which happens often) its just me not knowing how to cope with life. And that's why I know I need recovery.
I was just watching an episode of the series "lost", which wow one of the main characters is also an adult child and it's really bringing things to the surface. All of my life, well the past 20 years I've felt like I'm a willing prisioner, and I completely lost myself, my identity, everything about me and im tired of feeling like a caged animal.
I'm in my 30s, divorced (many years now), been living the past year in isolation (co-dependency, people pleasing, etc) and I'm getting tired of it. I haven't worked in two years, i've never worked longer than a year at a time. I still live with my A-mom. We don't communicate. We don't have a relationship. Its completely dysfunctional. The drinking isn't the main problem anymore (no more drunkenness all day long, basically a dry drunk) but the disease is there. It's *always* there. She's a workaholic and a shapaholic. She'll work all day and spend all of the next day either cleaning the house or shopping. When she buys things she blames me. But i know that's her problem.
My problem is that I do *not* trust people. Hell most of the time i can't stand people. For years I couldn't stand myself. I have no relationships no job hardly any hobbies (if it wasn't for the internet i *really* would have gone stir crazy) no money on my own no identity of my own, dysfunctional unsupportive family who only cares about her happiness and well being; not mine.
It's saturday night and i have no plans. I'm downloading a movie on itunes and I just finished dinner. I do well managing my "happiness" on my own, by doing things, but I'm an emotional wreck. I'd say I'd go insaine but i'm already there. I've been "coping", barely surviving, just getting through the day... but when I stop and think about it, I can't remember the last time I was *truly* happy.
I don't go to f2f meetings because I haven't learned yet how to be myself, and STAY myself. And I had an al-anon sponsor that was just BAD NEWS. Anyway, I know living/lovin alcoholics is like playing with a grenede and I'm not crazy for being affected by it.
Sorry for the novel (and I don't mean to sound hostile.) Glad to be here
Glad you're here NB and so relate to where you've been and are right now. That was before I found a way to get out of the fear and take a risk and to get into and stay with the program on all levels. Was just sharing with another newbie at the morning meeting that even my name was different when I got to the program...I'd even changed my name and built another personality behind it. Ended up that the program and sponsor and HP brought me back home and now I have a spare personality that I don't want around any more LOL... Keep coming back and let us help you figure it out while you do the same for us. You can be a miracle if you really want. (((((hugs)))))
Hi I am a very social person but over the past couple of years I have isolated my self a lot compared to the life I used to have. I still work but have cut alot of people out of my life. Like you I have big trust issues because I have been let down alot. The one place i do feel safe is at my F"F meetings and I know that if we do feel usafe we do not have to even talk if we do not want to. I look forward to my meeting so much . They liaugh when I say I feel like its the only time i am surrounded by sane people.
We all do things in our own time. Please keep coming back, I hope you can gain the courage to atted a meeting the world is a lovely place and there are lost of people who we can trust but we can not meet them if we lock ourselves away.
