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Both my parents are alcoholics. One active - the other dry at the moment.
However I am 44yrs old and live with someone and I am finding his behaviour when he drinks really nasty and aggressive. (not physically)
He is nice in the day time but in the evenings I am getting exhausted by his behaviour. I am allowing it to affect my health. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am SO tired & teary with it all. I hate what he becomes.
I am very confused because he really is only drinking a half to a three quarters of a bottle of wine a night, which compared to my parents is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING...so I am just very confused.
Anyway hope what I've said makes sense - I am so tired.
Aloha Cassie...you made all the sense in the world to me!! I've thought those thoughts and even said those words myself before getting into and during my start in Al-Anon. I learned that I was qualified for the program if her drinking just bothered me and bothered was an understatement in the least. It doesn't matter what or how much she drank and it didn't matter that I was diminishing that because of how I drank. Her drinking and drinking behavior bothered me to no end and I finally caved in and came to the program for myself second and for her first and then changed that around after sitting and listening and learning and following suggestions on how to work this program.
Some suggestions were "Keep Coming Back" "Do 90 meetings in 90 days" "learn the steps, slogans, traditions and "Get a Higher Power" also."
Let me just pass on to you what I first was told by some angel I have never met in the program and who was on the hotline when I called for help. "Go to that first meeting and get and read as much literature about alcoholism that you can...you're very life could depend on it." The rest of the story is for me the only history lesson I've ever needed to know. Thanks HP and Al-Anon.
Alochol affects everyone differently. Alochol makes the alocholic change. Never for the better. Alocholism is a progressive disease. That's part of the disease. I have been where you are. I have been in your shoes, and walked on egg shells more than I would like to admit. Many times I have not started a conversation with my AW because I was afraid I would say "one" word that she would take out of contex, and cause her to get upset. When an alocholic drinks the disease take over his or her mind, body, and spirit. It will only continue get worse. That is the nature of this powerful disease. Only the alocholic, and with a power much greater than themself, can stop the progression.
You can compare him with your parents, but they all have the same in common------they are all alocholics, and you have no control over any of them. It took me years to understand as I watched my alocholic wife being comsumed by the disease that nothing I did was going to change anything. I was fighting a power greater than myself -------the disease of alocholism----------but I had not realized or accepted the fact.
(((cassie))), we don't offer advice in Al-Anon, we only give our experiences with the disease and what we have done to make our lives better as we live in the disease. I offer you some suggestions that worked for me. Find a face to face Al-Anon meeting in your area where you will be surrounded with members who will understand you as perhaps no one else can. That information can be forn in your local phone book. Keep coming back to MIP and posting. The members of MIP have a wealth of knowledge they are willing to share with you. Read prior post on the subject of your choice by going to the search bar at the top of the page. MIP has two online meeting each day, click of the link at the top left of this page to see the times. Learn as much as you can about alocholism.
Most important, you are not alone anymore. Consider some or all of the suggestions above, and that way you can start doing what I was told the first night I walked through the doors of Al-Anon. To start taking care of yourself first--------You deserve it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 10th of January 2010 01:06:48 PM
hi...i have only been here a few days myself...dealiing with a marriage breakup due to hubby's unreasonable drinking and smoking cannabis. i hope you find all the support as helpful as i have. what i have learnt is that it is ok to say "i dont like this behaviour...its unacceptable" and that you dont have to put up with it. i ended up leaving my hubby as he has refused to admit he has a problem and has become aggressive. like yours he is as nice as anything in the day - a more laid back person you couldnt wish to meet. at night, behind closed doors its a different story and if i had a £1 for everytime our friends have said "oh no...not f....he is so chilled out" i would be rich. the most important thing i have learnt is that the person with the drink problem has to accept it is their problem otherwise any support offered will be futile. i am also one of the most chilled out people you could wish to meet having survived a schizophrenic husband, a violent husband, and i am now dealing with a drinker! i became very depressed about 2 years ago as my life's toils caught up with me and i felt a total failure as i could not "make my world better". during councelling i learnt that i didnt allow people around me to be responsible for their own actions. i took full blame for every unpleasant situation the arose. cognitive therapy helped me see that i am responsible for my own actions only. i learnt that in certain situations it is ok to be entirely selfish and put my needs before anyone elses. that is where i got the strength from to leave my hubby, who i adore, with the ultimatum....he either gets better on his own or i stay away. time will tell what he decides to do but in the meantime i am rebuilding a life and a home of my own where i can live safely and in peace.
Oh! Thank you so much for your replies. I think I have the idea in my head that it is selfish to put my own needs first. I have found a local Alanon Meeting and am going to go along this week. It's clear I really do need some help. Feel totally lost & frustrated and exhausted but it has been very heartwarming to receive such replies. Thank you. I still feel a bit wary of putting my needs first - but I will trust Alanon to guide me with that. love & thank you, Cassie.
