The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I received another call yesterday from the Dr with more bad news. I need to have a test done on my bladder and bladder surgery. I don't know all the details yet as I haven't spoken to the Dr directly and the PA had little information, but I believe it has to do with the removal of the endo from my bladder during the last surgery and apparently all of the moving junk around in there moved it too and they have to put it back.
I was devastated when I got off the phone and thought "Why God? Haven't I been through enough? What did I do to deserve all this?" and I was just angry and hurt. Spent most of the day at work, and in tears, wondering how much more I'm expected to take and feeling like I absolutely can NOT take one more thing........not one. I am just sooooo tired.
My very first sponsor called me within an hour of my finding out and I was sooooo happy to hear her voice I cried even more when we got done chatting. I made several calls to my F2F family and just cried and they just listened to me cry. Went to my meeting knowing I had to but couldn't bring myself to speak, but felt safe just being there. When I think about the experience I just had in the hospital with my last surgery, the nightmares, all of it, and going through it again I can't breathe and all I can do is cry. I've never felt so scared in my life that I can remember. I am so overwelmed right now........the lung Dr on the 2nd, another test on the 10th on my bladder, and a consult on the 18th. Not to mention my son goes to the ortho monthly. I have court next Weds with my son's "biological father" which has me very anxious also and it just seems like this is NEVER going to end..........I truly feel more overwelmed than I can remember in ages.
Took a sleeping pill last night in the hopes to sleep and boy did I......apparently they are SUPER strong even in the lowest MG-because I had a 30 min phone conversation and don't remember any of what was said, but WOW did I sleep:)
Today I woke up.....well rested. I'm still confused-knowing there is a lesson from my HP that I am supposed to be learning in all of this, not sure what it is. Maybe He is just tearing me down to rebuild me all over again, a new me, a better me? I don't go back to the Dr to talk to her about the next surgery til Feb 18th, so I can't focus on it or I will have a nerveous breakdown, I know it. There is nothing I can do to change what is, and the only day I have is today. I've went over my gratitude list and am grateful for many things in my life. My son, my mother, my family of origin, my F2F family, my mIP family, my job, my home, the fact that I have health insurance and sick leave to cover time off. I am blessed in many many ways, but ya know what.........that doesn't make me any less scared....or any less overwelmed.
Somehow, someway, I am going to get through this........ shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly- I love your strength. My first sponsor always told me to stop trying to figure it all out and to trust the process. I know it's not easy, but you're not alone. Thank you for your honesty and continued support!
I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed with your medical issues. I can truly understand; just underwent my 3rd knee surgery (on the same knee) 6 weeks ago and have been feeling sorry for myself about all the things I won't be able to do.......felt sorry until I was walking out of my physical therapy appt. last week, cursing to myself about only being 41 and can't do this or that. I got my coat in the waiting room and looked up to see a man in his 20's with a newly amputated leg. The self pity turned quickly into me thanking God for giving me exactly what I could handle and nothing more. Let go and let God became very important to me that day and put me back to the place I needed to be; thanking my HP for making me strong enough to trust his guidance and trust that he will take care of me, no matter how much I worry or obsess about it. It's so hard to do it but so worthwhile. My reactions to my continued medical issues have had to change because I can either get completely worn down and emotionally unable to get through each new issue, or look at the blessing that it wasn't something worse. I send prayers your way for you to try and find the bright side of things when you need to :)
