Don't want to give this TOO much thought... - Al-Anon Family Group

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Don't want to give this TOO much thought...

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

It must be very difficult to be around each other. Is there any way you can separate immediately? I know that when I saw my husband before the divorce was final, I kept wishing..... wishing, wishing and wishing...... that things could be different.

Even after the divorce, when i was around him, i would get confused. We tried to be civil to one another, and sometimes he would go above and beyond to be kind, and I felt very confused by his kindness. My guess is, he was feeling guilty about the crap he did.... but that's not my business. That's between him and his HP.

For over a year, we still had the house to sell, and sometimes he would come over to repair something. Just seeing him made me yearn for him again... seeing his hands, and once I saw his belly as he reached up overhead. Not being able to touch him when I was feeling so fearful, was very difficult. He had played the role... as my protector and comforter, for so many years. And now when I am hurting, I can't turn to him. And the grieving sets in. Terrible grief over the loss.... and of the "story" I had in my head for us and our future.

It's such a cliche, but still so true... time heals all wounds. I couldn't have survived it without this fellowship either. My sponsor always said, God never promises easy... just company. And you are in good company, you are not alone. I hope you are going to f2f meetings... I just couldn't do it without the hugs and real life support. Some people offered their homes to me, the fellowship is truly amazing.

What is the best way to take care of yourself? Would it look a little differently than what you are doing? Choose what is best for you. If you don't feel like hugging, don't. Honor your feelings. He's hurt you and you shouldn't pretend it's okay. As an ACOA, I sometimes keep loving people regardless of how much they've hurt me.... they are one of God's creatures.... I love all of God's creatures......

Well, I'm starting to realize.... a rattlesnake is one of God's creatures too, but I probably shouldn't snuggle with one. It's silly to snuggle with a rattlesnake, hoping that he won't bite me.

Love yourself.... and take care of YOU.... whatever that looks like.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Again I can relate to your post so much my partner is sober and concentrating on his recovery, he wants me to be around for him on his term. Everytime I get close I get hurt. The way i see it is we love each other we get emtionally close. BUT WE ARE BOTH SICK. sick people can not have a healthy relationship. The love and fear pulls us back. I am trying so hard to work on my programme and larn to love me rely on me. As I get stronger he chases and visce vera if he gets strong i chase this shows how sick we both are. I am trying to live my life and hand it all over if its meant to be it will happen no matter what I do. So I am focusing on self care and self love. I am really trying to keep the focus on me me me.

When I am busy doing things i enjoy I feel better.
takee care of you

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What are my motives? What a great question RC. Your post sounded a bit needy
and I asked myself what was it that I needed when I was in her shoes and the response
was my sponsor. Got one yet? Hold on to the question because it is a "you" question
and the answer to it results in your recovery. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I see this as you working out all your feelings. Its good you are sharing them,no matter how mixed up you are.

I remember sharing things here, thinking it was such a muddle, then got responses that made me see MINE more clearly!

Makes my heart ache for you. It is perfectly natural all the things you are going through. NO one thinks straight with a broken heart. Of course you wonder about him. That does not mean there are any answers anyway.

My ex AH said a lot of "I don't know." in his time. How can anyone know what is going to happen? This is where one day at a time comes in. He does his thing, and you do yours.

Right now I can see every love song killing you. I feel your heart has not let go yet. I mean enough for you to take a step on your path, just you.

My esh my A never, ever called to ask if "I" was ok. never. Of course he did when we were married before the brain surgery, he was on program. But after that no way.

Just like others have said, we are as sick or sicker than our A's.

But all you know right now is that horrible pain. I still remember holding my Basset Hound against my hurting tummy. Walking around feeling like I had been beat up, my heart just right out there on my sleeve, broken.

I was afraid too. was so alone. That really realising what one day at a time meant, somehow hit me, and i knew i could handle that. I could struggle to take a shower under two beach umbrellas with the hose, I could warm a pan of water on my camp stove to do dishes. Take my cloths to the laudromat.

I could call the mortgage company and ask what they could do to help me. They did.I could get some vhs movies for my tv and vcr. Had extention cords into my bunkroom for power. shaking head. Then stop, did what I could that day. Now can take a nap, get onto the mip chat room. open a can of enchiladas, for some reason that was on thing I could eat, that and fruit rollups. strange.

RC you can do it. Be kind to you.

A sponsor would be so good, someone to listen and to guide you by listening to you and helping you to see the way you want/need to go.

It is horrible to do it alone. My mother had just died. I was so alone. ack hate to think about it.

Was too embarrassed to tell my friends. They would have put me away and found homes for my animals...so I kept quiet and anorexic.

But RC, here I am, day at a time, in my home, have two bathrooms.....rich in needs, most all my wants, they are simple. some things are broken lol but I know it will be ok no matter what.

You know I get broken too, coming out of one again. Do you have someone, family or friend who can be your support to bounce things off of? Moving out is huge.

You can email me anytime. pm or whatever.

The chat room buds I had, including our own Abbyal, were my lifeline and kept me alive.

glad you are here. debilyn sending you so much love, and wish I could fix up my master bedroom real nice and you could just come rest in there...get ya a Basset Hound puppy to keep ya warm.....

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you read the Getting Them Sober books? They help put a perspective on this yo yo thing. I feel for you. I think it takes practice to detach. Somewhere in the program it says to not say anything.

In support,
Nancy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.