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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> is it worth it
Post Info TOPIC: is it worth it
Tracy


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is it worth it
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I have pulled away from my ABF after his slip in Nov.  He went striaght back to AA but has needed to focus on himself which I understand but if I am truthful I was not working my programme and was resentful that I was left again, just dropped because of the disease. 
The more I have withdrawn he has chased, I just carnt seem to get close or let go completely the fear is consuming the confusion been in a really crazy place.  I have been out with him today he was trying really hard and I treated him quite coldly, so did my kids, nice one minute , angrey the next. hwe is sober but has nothing to offer us he needs to totally rebuild his life. Once he had gone home my daughter who is 13 got angrey.  I told her that he has probs but I love him and am not ready to just kick him out my life he is in recovery and trying.  She was crying and said he was in recovery in Nov. 

It hit me with a bang this is a family disease my childrens father is a comulsive gambler they have had lots of pain due to both diseases.  My partner has probs with how my daughter is with him now I can see why.  We are all affected we punish the drinker because of the pain it causes us. 

I rang my ABF and shared with him the AHA moment I just had I said this is not to make you feel guilty I respect so much how you are fighting this I just need you to understand we are all ill.  We all took time to get sick and we will all take a long time to recover.  He said he understaood.  He said he was off to a meeting and we could talk more about it whe he rings me afterwards.

I know the olny part I control is my own attitude and behaviour and I know my children and family have resentments because of what I tell them and because of how react to my partners behaviour so really need to change the things i can and walk the walk.  But I am scared what if I put in all this effort and he never recovers to the level where he can be a true partner that I desire.  Also what about my kids they have had so much pain and loss I have to think of what they want and need.  Its o.k me standing by him understanding with the support of Al anon I suppose if I truley work my programme they will be fine.  Will have a chat with HP hand it over ask for guidance.  If I do stay though I understand i really need to walk the walk or get out because it is me who is causing a lot of the damage by my reactions, attitues and behaviour.

Any esh would be gratefully appreciated especially from anyone who lives with a sober A.

hugs

-- Edited by Tracy on Thursday 7th of January 2010 01:01:19 PM

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abbyal


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Hello and welcome , neither Al-Anon or AA promise to save relationships , but both do promise to return us to sanity , that was good enough for me . I have never been sorry I stayed in my marriage , Al-Anon is what allowed me to do that by minding my own business and allowing him to live his life the way he saw fit , not easy but as it says in our opening It is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not .  I assume u are not attending meetings for yourself  , u need support and for me the best way to support my husb efforts at sobriety was to have my own program and get o ut of the road . Your daughter dosent trust and why should she , she dosent trust either one of you at the moment , I rarley pay attention to what someone says I watch what they do .  support thier efforts encourage them but dont have expectations that this time is it only they know the answer to that one . Sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems but it helps .
Work your progam leave  him to AA and you never know what HP has in store for either of you.  If there is an Alateen meetingin your area it would h elp your daughter alot and give her some understanding of what is actually going on .

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Debilyn


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 '"where he can be a true partner that I desire"

Tracy this hit me when I read it. Do we ever know anyone will be that person we want or think we need? Or do we accept the people we love just how they are with their goods and not so goods?

I got to where I was happy he was just in the same room with me on the recliner holding hands.

Really looked at how I loved him, just to be able to see him.

He used to be the best husband I could ask for. Lots of compromise, normal head bumping, but I learned what was really important to me.

I know I would not want the man I love to wonder if I would ever be the woman he desires. How could I ever measure up just being me?

Sure relate to you, I wanted my husband to come back! The guy before the brain surgery. He never did, never will.

Addiction destroys so much.

For me Tracy I had and have to do my best to fill my own needs as best I can. Back then when he was still around, I got where I just loved him for what he did give and did not mourn the man he used to be anymore.

This is my esh. This disease is so horrible. hugs to you all. debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Tracy


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Thankyou so much for your share WOW
how unkind another shortcoming uncovered he is who he is
I just want a partner who is realiable i do love so much about him but this disease kills the decencies of life as we know.  I have to accept reality and meet own needs as u say thanks again


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Debilyn


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Oh tracy I sure hope I did not sound cold!

I relate to you!

I was always on day trips on week ends, went to all kinds of things. Liked to visit friends etc.

Married A who I found liked to stay home. At first it was horribly hard. He told me he just does not feel comfortable doing that stuff anymore, wished he did.

We went to a neat house on the beach. Was AWFUL. I sure could not figure out what was wrong.

Took me a long time to realize I had to change me. Had to find comfort in what he did add to my life. Which was HUGE.

(o:

Now geez, I would like to hear a mans voice sometimes, hear his opinions, hopes, dreams.

Sadly I don't love the exAH anymore, and I know when I am here it does not come back. Which is fine. Was sure a nice love when I had it.

Anyway been there too hon. love,deb

__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
maresie


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I would highly recommend reading Getting them Sober. This book will give you a really good idea what to expect in early sobriety.  I never had the luxury of having sobriety with the ex A.  He chose to stay drunk and loaded.

maresie.

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maresie
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