The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This response was sent to me from John, who responded to my post "Am I asking for Trouble" It is really one of the first times I remember hearing anyone talk about moving on past one relationship in peace and finding love again with someone new. It really made me hopeful and offered me ESH for a new day and a new love. And I really there are those of us here who could use these words of ESH ---for those who may have missed them when he responded to my post. Thank you John.......I needed to hear this.
"I can only speak from my own experience, and touch a bit on what I have seen others experience in similar situations. No suggestions or advise included.
I paid dearly for my seat in the rooms of recovery, the relational, financial, emotional, mental price it took for me to get here is beyond calulation. Since it was my past that brought me here, I cannot afford to let it be what sends or keeps me away from here. My seat isn't up for negotiation.
I once had a very broken heart and I avoided all the meetings this wonderful woman went to, which in fact limited the number and type of meetings I could attend. The pain inside me was tolerable as long as I didn't think about, feel about, or see any sign of her. All of which I did, often without any fore warning. A song on the radio, OUCH.. turn the channel fast! A resturant we ate together at... OUCH don't go there! A show on TV we use to watch together.. OUCH, hurry, turn it to the weather channel! (as though I really was excited to see the tempeture)... One beautiful evening, I was downtown, its a great place to hang out with others in recovery here in Wilmington. Georgous woman all over the place, music coming out of every door along the streets, laughter, couples kissing, holding hands, young folks acting goofy, ... life was great. Suddenly there she was... only a few doors away from me on the sidewalk, not alone, but with friends, and even another man in the mix... holding her hand. Before she noticed me, I did what I had always done.... I went the other way... down an ally, deserting my group of friends, including my sponsor in the process. I avoided her, but I didn't avoid ME. My night was ruined, my heart was hurt, my head was angry, my stomach in knots.
The next day my sponsor and I talked about what had happened. He made the stupidest, most ridiculous suggestion in the world, so outragous I was about to fire him and get someone else. "Next time you see her, go up to her, say "hello, ask if it is okay to give her a hug, (do if she indicates it is, don't if she doesn't), and tell her YOU ARE GLAD TO SEE HER"... smile, be very friendly, and stay away from anything serious,... if she introduces you to someone she is with, shake their hand and say, "Glad to meet YOU". Then excuse yourself to continue YOUR journey.
I relucantly followed this suggestion about a month later when the opportunity presented itself one day. It was a 2 minute experience. It was a beautiful day, people doing whatever it is they do, and me wanting to run around the corner as fast as I could. But I didn't.
As soon as I stopped avoiding, running, hiding out, ect... the healing was allowed to come full circle, and my life activities stopped being controlled by the boogy man of the past.
Today we are dear, dear friends, attend alot of the same meetings, always greet eachother with open arms, exchanging true smiles of acceptance, and even joke with others about the insanity of our history. During a meeting she was the speaker at, she said to the group..."if you ladies don't want to have to really work this program, stay away from John... because I guarantee he has a way of bringing all your character defeats to the surface!" Everyone, including me laughed. My turn... I'm speaking a few months later... "I am blessed to have a sponsee that I truly love and enjoy working with, we have alot in common. He and I are attracted to the same sick women in the rooms, I nod towards him, (her boyfriend) and wink at her. Everyone, including both of them laugh.
Today is a beautiful day, people are doing whatever it is they do, I'm doing whatever it is I do, ... smiles are abundant, laughter is real, acceptance is love, and I'm no longer running down allies, or turning corners trying to get away from ME.
John
PS. Her and my sponsee were at mine and Rose's wedding in 2007... guess who caught the boutque of flowers that Rose tossed? I can only hope they are as happy together as we are. They both deserve it."
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I think one of the things I would look at given I have boundaries these days is to think about it before dating someone who goes to the same meetings I do. What if. I have definitely dated people I lived with (room mates) former bosses (needless to say I was the one who had to leave the job). I'm not adverse to people living, working and doing whatever together. I just really believe some of us really have to have the boundary stuff down very very very well before we can even consider it. I know I paid for not having boundaries, I paid for being impulsive, I paid for not knowing how to be appropriate. These days for me to be polite to someone who has hurt me is enormous. I don't should myself into thinking that I can do better than that at the moment. To me that is a miracle in itself.
Great thread Shelly and it reminded me that I've been there and done that and in review of where I have been and done I am reminded that my one true problem was me and my only solution was a Power Greater than me. Along the way I have change the them, the thats and the things in my life thinking that was what I was supposed to change while forgetting that most important work I had to do...change me otherwise I was holding outside sources responsible for my serenity and happiness. The information I got when I first got into program about the propensity of enablers to unconsciously or in denial choose alcoholic and therefore dysfunctional relationships proved out for me. I was leaving the outcomes over to "luck" without doing the real honest, searching and fearless inventory of the who, what, where and why I was selecting. The best awareness I have to day still is that the "only problem is me and the only solution is a Power Greater than me." Me - Me - Me - Me. I am responsible for how things have come out for Me then, now and in the future. I have never had a "new" love. I have had lots of "reruns" and the one glowing piece of evidence as to why they came out the way they did was that in the middle of them all...there I was...fingers crossed not knowing what I was to do next.
Alcoholism is a disease of compulsion not only for the alcoholic to drink but also for the other participants to play non-working parts. If nothing changes? Nothing changes. So my most important question today is, "What am I bringing to this relationship and have I investigated enough or being compulsive or needy.
Letting go also means letting go of stuff in me that is not supportive or useful. Courage to change.
Jerry said: LETTING GO ALSO MEANS LETTING GO OF STUFF IN ME THAT IS NOT SUPPORTIVE OR USEFUL.
Wow. This is almost everything in my brain and all the ways in which my mind works against me. Most of my self is wrapped in negativity - it not the greatest, but it's comfortable.
Thanks for sharing this - the reminder to let go of that which no longer serves me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Thanks Shelly for Posting)))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((Thanks John for allowing her to share with us your Journey)))))))))))))))))))
Very Powerful and WOW What a Program.... Great Work, Good Stuff Shelly, if you ever feel that impulse to follow suit maybe you could call me my camera skills... That would be Priceless... :o)
Wishing you all Health, Happiness, and nothing but bright things ahead ;)
