The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I went back to the Dr and found out some more less than favorable news-the Endo they took out, all the lesions were all over my bladder. The good news is that they found it and removed what they could see and there is no cancer there, the bad news is that I'm told the lesion stage is the last/final stage of the disease and that left untreated it could affect my kidneys, bladder etc, and could cause SEVERE health problems, etc. I go back in two months for a recheck on the on again/off again pain I am still having and to give the Dr time to decide how she wants to procede. She also told me that this is in no way causing the other problems I am having-they are two seperate issues. She also prescribed sleeping RX for the nightmares and me being physically exhausted all the time now which they are trying to find out why. This is my fourth surgery and for some reason this time I am not bouncing back to my old physical self. This medical issue has been plaguing me for 4 year and I've had 3 sugeries-and they finally know what it is-so that is a gift. I still have to see the Lung Specialist for the growth on my lung they found-and was told that endo can sometimes travel as far as the lung-so that too is in HP's hands. I'm just REALLY tired of Dr's, tests, etc and wonder if it will ever just be over-it's been 4 years and going and I'm only 41. Then I remember that for 37 years the codie in me took care of everyone else and put me last-my health always took a backseat to my fears and otehr peoples wants and needs.
To make matters worse, the EXABF keeps popping into my head and I'm angry about that and it seems the more I try to make him go away the more he comes back. I don't know-I just know he's there again today and I have to figure out why and get past it. I've been stuck trying to figure out HOW he could tell me that he never loved anyone before in his life like he loved me, that he'd never laughed as much, or been more comfortable and been himself with anyone else, and how he could say all that and be moving on with some other woman after 6 mths!!! I keep thinking of that stupid song "I'll never get over you getting over me" and I could scream. Then I get angry and hurt all over again for what he did and moreso HOW he did it!!! I have to remember he is a addict-he loves the high-and in the beginning we had that high and things were AMAZING, when life set it and the high diminshed, we started having issues and-he didn't think it should be work. What is killing me inside is that I LET this happen. I kept me and my son safe for 11 yrs, I was on guard and protecting.....and I let EXABF in KNOWING he was a drunk (after having been married to a drunk I KNEW what it was all about), and to top that off fell in love with him.......I KNEW BETTER!!!! I KNEW BETTER from the very beginning, but I failed me and I failed my son-something I swore to never do, and every time I think about that I just crumble inside. I wonder if anything he ever said was true or was it all his disease??? And WHY was a fool when I knew better????
I'm tired today AGAIN today, tired of Dr's and waiting and seeing- and feeling like such a fool in many many ways and just wanting to STOP the hamsters!!!!!!!! Any ESH appreciated GREATLY>
Shellyj
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Just hoping you got a chance to read my reply to your post yesterday. After back surgery, lung surgery and brain surgery I can relate to being tired of the medical stuff... but once on the other side of it, I am grateful I did it all.... without it I wouldn't be able to sit and type this post, maybe not breath, or even think clearly enough to make any sense at all. Today, I'm in good condition, able to live, love and laugh again.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
You're offered me so much support. I wish I could offer you the same. Some find it helpful to pretend they are an outsider giving themselves advice as to how to get through the situation. Your honesty is remarkable. Please give yourself credit for your progress and learning to focus on you. It takes so much energy to work our programs!
