The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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while feeling compassion for the A son I feel sadness all the time. When I feel anger I think I do not feel that sadness. watching him go down this path of distruction is devastating, even on days that he doesn't use. it is so hard not to try and offer some assistance or try to help him find a way out of the deep hole he is in. I know I have to continue to leave him alone. He is not working and is all alone in his apartment everyday. why won't he use this time to go to meetings? Maybe he doesn't have faith in the program or maybe he just has not hit a bottom. I think what scares me the most is that his father and my father's bottom was death. His father at 50 and mine at 56. I don't know but I guess I just have to keep doing the next right thing.
I will hit my meeting tonight and share it with my f2f family.
Hi Gail..... its tough.... Our dreams for our kids sure as hell didnt include having to be a spectator as they self destruct, you dont get prepared for that one.
I understand what you mean when you say When I feel anger I think I do not feel that sadness
Anger, when it rears its ugly head, starts that yapping snapping snarling little rat dog in my brain that Ive spent the last year of working this programme trying to kill off. This is hard work and sometimes the anger is easier, because youre right, with compassion comes sadness and this is when we need all our Alanon friends and tools....so we learn and progress to love and acceptance.....and through that freedom from fear....and once the fear is gone the strength is there to cope with the sadness.
I find Im very slowly getting better, at the first yap ( it still always escapes along with the very unbecoming bad frown) I think ok what do I need to do here to stop this relapse, get the focus off him and back on my recovery. I take myself of to my comfy cosy bed, breath slowly for a good 10 minutes and then read a couple of pages of c2c...and do whatever else I have to do to stop myself being sucked back in.
If youve read my previous post, my wire is currently being yanked, the disease is trying to reel me back in, Ive had overwhelming moments of sadness and frustration over the holiday period because of this but that was ok, I owned it, sorted it, did for him what he couldnt do for himself and have moved on. I know this is going to play out for a bit but I will do my utmost to stick to my boundaries...I have to keep detached for his sake and mine.
Gail.....I could have thrown in the towel a hundred times on this programme but I know that to go back to where I was is insane, Ive surrendered, my life was truly unmanageable, and Im willing.....prepared to take it odat..... and I do honestly see it beginning to work and the effect it is also having on my son so Ill keep on working it.
You love your son as I do mine.....they are good people with a bad disease....but we cant do it for them......sadly.
As hard as it was to watch my Tim struggle I was able to separate the anger and have compassion at the same time. I hated this disease and what it was doing to him. I had compassion for the man struggling with it. I think it's the hardest thing for family and friends is to watch the people they love go down this path of self destruction. We are left feeling totally helpless. All we can do is work on ourselves so that we don't die for their disease. I am glad we have a program that allows us to do that. For the alternative is much worse. For that I give thanks everyday. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I understand where you are and am so very sorry. I hate this disease!!!!
Before Al Anon I used anger to cover all my unpleasant feelings- Fear and sadness being the main feelings I did not want to feel. I found that the reason I did that was I could "Blame " the anger on the other person or thing and not feel "helpless."
The problem with doing that was that I could not feel true compassion or empathy It was too frightening!!!!
Alanon taught me to feel my true feelings -sadness, fear. Ness expressed it well : Own them, talk about them and "Let them GO"
With the tools the fear and sadness lifts and I can truly feel compassion
I will pray for your family. I know how hard this is
Compassion versus anger...how about Compassion and Anger Gail. I like the responses that indicate feeling both at the same time...feeling compassion for the alcoholic/addict and hating the disease that controls them and everyone still hooked into it. Compassion is such an honest emotion...Anger use to control me and I don't like people, places or things that control me. My sponsor told me "If you don't like how you're feeling about it why not do the opposite and feel the opposite." Found that answer also at a Friday night Candlight meeting years ago. Above the entry door to the room was in part..."If you don't like feeling angry feel acceptance." Awesome...polar opposite emotions. I can't feel acceptance and anger at the same time. Thank you HP and Al-Anon.
