The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been coming here for a couple weeks now and have found this site and the people on it to be a great help. I thought I was learning detachment- I quit nagging about his drinking, I had no problem leaving him passed out on the patio until he woke up, letting him go without eating when he was too drunk to join me for meals, etc. But today has been a real challenge. I got up around 7, spent a couple hours putzing in the kitchen, watering plants, etc. Ah came downstairs at 9 am and was already drunk. He locked himself in the guest room and has been there ever since, 10 hours now, no lights, noise or other sign of activity. 99% of my mind says he's OK and will appear in the morning worse for wear but otherwise alright. But I remember a night two months ago when he drank so much he started throwing up in bed while he was still passed out. I mean, people die that way! I´m trying to leave him alone and not think about it but part of me is so worried I want to rip off the screen window to get in and see if he's OK. And if I do just leave him there I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep tonight for worrying about him. I want to do the right hing here but I don't know how. I'm asking my HP for help but so far I'm still anxious and a wreck over this.
There really are no shoulds/musts in Alanon with regard to detachment or any other slogans; there's only suggestions and a lot of literature and tools of this program that help us live with the effects of alcoholism.
I learned in Alanon that I often over-reacted to many situations for which detachment would have been so helpful. I tended to think in extremes - all the way one way and then all the way in an opposite polar direction. I projected my worst fears into the future and 90% of them didn't come true. I also found that nighttime was the worst, something about the dark and imagining the worst.
But when it comes to life, it's not so cut and dried. For me personally, I would check on my loved one. I think what happens in my house, under my watch, is my business. Now of course if he doesn't answer, then what to do? He may very well be fine like you said.
Can you hear him breathing or snoring through the door?
Do you have a key to the door so you could check on him and if he's breathing and on his stomach, then walk out lock the door behind you and he'll probably never know the difference. And you could sleep peacefully.
You could call the police/fire department letting them know that you need their assistance unlocking a door but they don't have to show up at your house with the lights and sirens blazing and see if they could help you. But then they might take him out to the hospital and that could set off a series of other events.
Like I said, there are no shoulds/musts here in Alanon; we simply do the best we can at the time with the information that we have.
Let us know how you make out, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I figured I probably was overreacting but I also finally realized that ¨detachment¨or not I had to be sure he was alright. That night two months ago scared me then and again tonight. I'd knocked on the door throughout the day and night but got no response. The door is bolted from inside so I finally did take the screen window off, got no response to calling his name but I could see that he was breathing and lieing on his side. Came back here and saw that I had a response to my post. Maria, thanks so much for your reply. I think I may be able to sleep tonight after all, but will have much to think about tomorrow.
Aloha Pineapple...Detachment is a great tool but not a perfect one. We do have a brain to use and from my experience I have learned by a similar incident that you are now going thru to call the emergency and report the condition...leave it to the professionals and then detach (step back) again. Yes always bring HP into the picture (first) and ask for and listen for guidance. If he has been out for 10 plus hours after waking up drunk it's time for a med emergency call...for me. That is not normal or health. Alcoholic is a poison that is why drunk is called intoxification (under the influence of a poison). So consider another alternative...call in the pros. ((((hugs))))
Sometimes detachment can go to far , I find I too have an obsessive personality and when i find something that works I always go overboard , and have to find balance . I over did detachment in the beginning to the point where Ididnt notice that my husb had quit drinking , he was 3 days with out a drink and was so sick he couldnt walk . that is not good . Like jerry says , keep an eye on him if he pulls that sleeping for hrs and wakes up drunk call and get help . if he starts to act irratically or makes threats of sucide , get help . Your doing great hang in there. Louise
I found that not checking caused me too much distress. I too worried for hours when a discreet check would have eased my worry.....why torture ourselves even more? I feel if they are in an unconcious drink induced sleep vigilance is necessary. One time my son had a seizure and was trapped between his bed and the wall. For me, now, I would always check.
This has been a BIG lesson for me. Like abbyal said ¨..when i find something that works I always go overboard , and have to find balance . ¨ That's me all over. I thought he wanted to be by himself to sleep it off and decided to leave him be. But after 10 hours the worry set in. The door was locked from inside so I couldn't simply open it to check on him. Also, unfortunately. there are no professionals to call for help around here. Which I forgot about last night. If there were an emergency I would have had to get him in the truck and drive an hour and a half to the nearest hospital. So in the future I guess I have to keep a closer eye on him when he's drinking and check on him when he's passed out. Which of course brings up all those old feelings of anger and resentment. I'm not his mother and I don't want to act like it. But I don't want him to kill himself out of stupidity by drinking too much. Yet I feel like he's killing himself slowly day by day with the drinking and it's killing me to watch it. I was starting to feel some peace in my life but I feel like I've lost it all in one night. I know I can get it back again but it's going to be a struggle and right now it just feels too hard. But I will hang in there (and here) and work on it. Thanks all for the support.
-- Edited by pineapple on Thursday 7th of January 2010 08:49:33 AM
Nothing wrong with being concerned. Trust your instinct. Call 911 if you think it's getting worse. Detachment doesn't mean let someone die or continue to get worse. You detach with love but still look out for their safety. My A nearly died from detoxing at home. He wanted to go to the hospital the next day. But a little voice told me to call 911 that night. I'm glad I did. He barely made it to the emergency room before he had seizures. That was scary. You're doing fine. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You know this kind of stuff killed me when I lived with the ex A he eventually became physically ill. I can stay what I did was with limits. When he called me from the hospital with a suspected heart attack I did not go to the hospital, I certainly listened to him and empathized. I did not feel guilty.
Is there a way you can deal with this with limits.
Living in the boonies with someone who locks themselves up when drunk... Ok, so there are not any professionals within an hour and a half drive... that is a long way to a hospital for help. I grew up in the country, closest neighbors we out of site and ear shot, and boy have we all come to rely on one another for this and that. we pull each other out of ditches, help haul fire wood, sit with babies or elderly during stressful times when someone has to run to town. I don't even know my neighbors well enough to know if they are drinkers. But I know I can call them if my son needs a ride to town, and I have been of help to them as well- I cleaned for them when the old lady died and they sold her stuff at auction. I encourage you to get to know your neighbors, and without saying too much. Take them some cookies, even if the closest one is 5 miles away. Establish some sort of rapport. You need this, for you, that little bit of extra help can really make a big difference. Just my 2 cents, woops
