The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism is a disease and by living with it I have been affected--- since I have been adversely affected by the disease the answer to your question is YES!!!
That is why I needed to use alanon tools in order to recover. Detach, Learn how not to react, and Live and Let Live!!!
The second experience to Hotrod's is also a yes. Often times the alcoholic hears off of body language and it is from your reaction that they learn and understand...maybe not what it is that you want them to but just the same....
Alcoholism is part compulsion of the mind and part alergy of the body. If he is thinking and reacting with the same mind he drank with and hasn't changed he may not be putting things together in a rational way which results in an irrational way. You get to participate if you like. (((((hugs)))))
He does know the games he is playing but naturally he will always deny it.
Our emotional reactions are so important to them bc they feed off of our energy & emotions. When we are all out of control, losing our minds and freaking our emotionally - they can sit back and justify it to themselves - see they are the crazy ones - they have the problem not me. It has to do with manipulation. And of course feeding off of your emotions, energy and you focusing on them. They need enablers, so u will pick up the pieces, have the emoptional response, be involved in cleaning up their lives, while they sit back and go numb.
The trick is learning to not fall for any of it. Dont fall for the fights designed to get you upset, confused - dont fall for doing for them what they can easily do for themselves.
Once I realized that as long as I was focusing on them and not myself, I was losing myself and feeding the disease, it made it easier to - focus on me. Focusing on yourself, feeds you, makes you stronger and helathier and it leaves the A to face the consequences of their own actions.
Detach with love from his beahvior, feelings, issues, whims & manipulative tactics.
I do think in recovery A's can learn to stop manipulating and tend to themselves but it takes a lot of practise and it takes informed and recovering partners willing to get recovery as well. Some times our passive aggressiveness or neediness can bring out a reaction in them. We all have to learn to take control and responsibility of our own reactions.
I didnt think I would ever stop reacting or obsessing. But I did. I had to do a lot of setting and floowing through on boundaries (to stop compromising myself) -- like just walking away if the A was trying to instigate a fight. Belive me, when u walk away and dont fall for their games and maintain dignity and composure - it feels like you won something - and you do, you win your self control back.
There truly is hope, keep practising. This program works miracles.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm only 4 months into Al Anon and read a lot (Not "Getting Them Sober".......yet) and I am understanding not to react, but man, it's like stopping a moving train.
I have ZERO sympathy for him when he acts out and wants me to react. Disease or no disease, unless he has a brain injury, I am fed up of the addict excuses.
Yes, addicts have learned to deal with their pain in messed up ways, but good god, it's close to impossible not to react.
Kitty you make a good point that they do this so they can sit back and say "see they are the crazy ones" Oh, you are SO SO SO right! Never in my life has an ex (been with two LONG term bf's before him) called me nuts nor have I ever acted out in the way I do with this BF. My Bf has called me nuts, crazy. dramatic etc. And I AM! cause I act this way cause he feeds me.
If I think in those terms like "He wants me to react so he can think I'm nuts" this will actually give me strength to not react.
I swear, why on EARTH do I stay?! I am crazy! goodness!
I realized I cannot detach with love with him right now. I want to detatch with a AXE I would rather detach in order to detach for good, seriously!
-- Edited by Dyinginside on Wednesday 6th of January 2010 08:06:40 PM
My AS loves the drama, the reaction from the family, he loves to see tears. I have seen him break into a grin when my heart would be broken and me begging him to take care of himself.
The desire to be the focus is consuming to them, and it is h*ll to those that have to live around them. It doesn't go away, there is just a need or a certain personality that they have that pushes the limits.
My AS loves the drama, the reaction from the family, he loves to see tears. I have seen him break into a grin when my heart would be broken and me begging him to take care of himself.
The desire to be the focus is consuming to them, and it is h*ll to those that have to live around them. It doesn't go away, there is just a need or a certain personality that they have that pushes the limits.
And my BF hates drama but he sure loves to manipulate in order to feel wanted/needed. He will manipulate an arguement and accues me of doing the things he's doing. I am DUMBFOUNDED when he does this. I think "Can anyone be really this insane"
Is this part of the damage all the booze did to his brain or is this his character........I wonder?!
Read the book Addictive Thinking . . . sorry, I don't recall the name of the author. It's a very short read and I think it will answer your question very well.
Read the book Addictive Thinking . . . sorry, I don't recall the name of the author. It's a very short read and I think it will answer your question very well.
Thank you I found it at Amazon and will order it today
-- Edited by Dyinginside on Thursday 7th of January 2010 11:24:50 AM
What a great post! Dyinginside, I can totally relate to the things that you are saying!! I have only been in al anon about 3 months and I am experiencing some of the same issues dealing with reactions. I do think that I am crazy some times. I am so used to focusing on the A and not focusing on myself! I am really having to learn how to focus on myself. Even though the A and I are both working on recovery, I don't think he is happy with some of the changes that are going on with me. Go figure. I am getting better. I am working on my recovery. GO ME!!!!!
Keep coming back! There is a lot of wisdom on the message board.
i beat myself up mercilessly about staying with the ex A. When I stopped over reacting was to really look at the program. I certainly know how difficult it is. I also know that I have detached a great deal and the more I work at it the easier life gets.
I spoke with a fellow member of my group and this person has been in AA and sober 18 yrs but is now in Al Anon due to his wife being an addict.
He was telling me the most difficult thing to do is not react. It took him over a year to learn not to react to his wife. He's a former user and explains to me how they think. How they have an illness of ego. When we react, we validate their lack of spirit. They think by reacting, that we love them. But in my case, what I know is happening is my BF lacks ZERO skills to communicate. He's locked up tight and totally vacant in his emotions and these emotions needs to be released somehow, so he will create an actions for my reaction in order to open up dialogue.
He will call me names and put me down so I react so a fight will ensue then he can tell me what's been on his mind and not feel threatened by it.
Now more than ever I can see how addiction is a total mental illness.
Like you Supermom, I felt like I was the crazy one until I spoke to this person last night. Because my BF stopped drinking and because he plays mind games and hides his "mental illness" so well, I just assume it's me who's crazy!
Like this guy told me yesterday "a drunk is WORSE once he stops drinking because before the booze would hide his being an ahole, and now, he's got nothing to hide it with and no way to deal with it. The first 2 yrs of sobriety, the drunk is a real p*rick"
What I need to keep in mind is he's SICK. And I should have empathy, but HOLY HECK, it's really hard to have empathy when you feel someone you love is trying to hurt you.
Interesting insight from the recovering A. Sometimes, I do forget that my recovering A is sick. I do not have a lot of empathy right now...wish I did. This "jerk" phase of sobriety is hard. I fell so distant from my A right now. Like I don't even know who he is. Thanks for listening.
(((((hugs)))))
