The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most of my Life, since about 8 up, (Parents Seperated then) I have wore this Shell... I guess for most ACOA it is a Protective shell that "I" felt was keeping me from getting hurt by others... But in reality, it has done nothing but bring me pain...
I am an Office Manager for a Company my Husband & I Own, Currantly work is slow due to ecconimy and what not, but my job never changes, payroll, taxes, phones, reports, filing, making unhappy people happy, stock, bill paying, deposits and the list could go on for days... I love my job, I love that I am "Self Taught" and have been doing a bang up job for the last 13 years.... In my Job, one Number can cause MANY Problems, and before 2000 Everything was done off the Lead of my pencil (Which I loved because then "I" was in Control!), since then of course everything is done thru the computer...
So the other day, I am getting my "year end" taxes done, and I found a "GLITCH" in MY Paperwork... Well thru my eyes it was a HUGE Glitch...And the Old me came flooding back like a Rageing River, and my husband not yet knowing anything about it, ask me what was wrong, (He is so NOT an Office Person, nor does he know the Stress that is carried doing this job) So I try to explain the Misdeed on MY behalf... Well he says (Calmly) "Well it sounds to me like you just made a mistake!"
Well I SNAPPED... I Screamed... Tears Running down my face...."You Don't seem to Understand here... I CAN"T MAKE MISTAKES... Its MY JOB NOT to Make MISTAKES"...
Well as soon as it flew Out of my Mouth, I think HP Slapped me Right in the Forehead.... Because i felt his presents but at the same time, I was still tryin to desipher the message...
So I walk away, pissed, ticked, upset, unsure of myself, and just like someone had taking a Club to my body... I got that Upset....I go back to my desk.. (My Husband now Staying as Far away as Possible) I make a few phone calls, to the tax people, which is NEVER Good when you are ticked because they make you WAIT FOREVER... And low and behold, the mistake I made was "easily" Fixed...
Yet "I" Paniced because I Have always Blaimed ME for about Everything in my life that went wrong... I have always kept that wall to keep people out, yet, the one Im pushing away the hardest and longest is ME...
So after I apolized to the Husband, and regained some self respect, I went to my books and HP to see what he was slappin me in the head for earlier... Then it hit me... I was never one to say... "I Am Human, I Make Mistakes"... I NEVER Allowed that in my life, because 90% of the time, if "I" made a mistake, I was making a mistake not just for me, but for others...
For instants... When Mom & Dad Split, It was me, my older sister and my younger brother, well my older sister was 13 and out running the streets, which then put me home to take care of my baby brother, so when he grew up and made mistake after mistake. Well with My "CODY" Behavior I became the Mother he didn't have, So "I" Wore his mistakes and fears as well as my own...
Still at times I have to catch myself doing these things, and it wasn't till I made it to program that I realized "I DIDN'T MAKE HIM BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC"... That was one of the Biggest burdens I had carried for So Long...
I have so many traits that I have gathered over the years of my life, I know I will remain in progrom as long as God Is My Strength... I just wish I knew how to handle myself better when these things come flying at me...
How do I forgive MYSELF, for all the WRONG I have done to me... My 4th Step Could be All about me for the most part... I have so much inner damage that on the out side I look Normal, but in reality... I am So Screwed Up...
Any ESH would be Great...I just don't know how to get past all the "Self Beatings" I have done to Me!
Hi Jozie You have achieved great awareness!!! Yes I too walled myself in for protection but all it did was keep me isolated and alone in my pain.
I have always shared that this program and the 4 -10th Step taught me how to be HUMAN!!! Human with imperfections. One who was allowed to have opinions that differed from everyone else and someone who was not perfect and who made mistakes just like everyone else!!!
I do believe you answered your own question What to DO
I too did a 4th Step and my treatment of self 5th step with sponser, etc and then with the 8th Step I placed myself at the top of the list.
9th Step I made direct ammends to myself for a full year I did that by:
Attending meetings Sharing with sponser Refusing to judge, critizise myself or others( destroyed my self esteem) Stopped Gossiping (destroyed my self esteem ) Made Gratitude List (increased my self esteem) Did a 10th step everynight to keep on tract Did 3rd and 11th Step each morning By the end of the year My attitudes had changed and I could be human and accept that others were as well
You are doing fine Let HP hit you on the side of your head often!!!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of January 2010 05:37:39 PM
I agree with Hotrod-you have a great awareness which is a huge step. For me stopping to THINK BEFORE I react, Jerry had a post I which I could find about a friend of his who counted etc and it really hit home with me. Reminding myself Easy Does It helps greatly. This is a program of PROGRESS and it will all come in His time not ours. You realize the behavior, you reacted, you made amends.....WAY TO WORK A PROGRAM!!!!
I read somewhere-lol, HP only knows where as all I do is read-that we put up barb wire to keep other people out but we keep poking ourselves over and over every time we try to reach across it.
As for the 4th step I was told by a very wise woman that the VERY FIRST person you will need to make amends to is YOU!
We all make mistakes.....the purpose of making them is to prepare us to make more tomorrow:)
You can start this day over anytime you like......how bout now?????:)
Love and blessings Shellyj123
-- Edited by shellyj123 on Wednesday 6th of January 2010 12:11:26 PM
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I too am ACoA and relate very profoundly to the perfectionistic ideal. In program, I realzed that perfect = 100% only exists in school with grades, it is not reality in life. My fear of being imperfect was a terrible burden. It stopped me from trying things and making mistakes bc I thought I would fail. This kind of thinking is self-sabotage.
If we dont make mistakes and try new things, how can we ever learn? Give yourself permission to try new things and make mistakes. You are only human and no one is perfect. I also had to stop comparing myself - comparing myself was me measuring and judging me and who am I to set the standard on humanity? It was crazy. So when I realized that these were coping mechanisims I learned as a child and they were no longer helping me, I let them go.
If u dont know how to forgive yourself, in prayer become willing to. Ask your HP/god to show you how to forgive you and ask for willingness to get ready to. I was told that is all it takes. I've ahd to forgive myself many many times over - for being screwed up, for being wrong, for judging, for having resentments, for being human in the first place.
I do relate to taking responsibility for other people and trying to take on their problems and the world's. But in doing so, u are missing out on your life that is a gift from hp/god. Once I realized that, that I was wasting the life god gave me, it got easier to focus on me, love me as my own first priority and work the best program I could.
We all slip, its how we learn and grow. Beating yourself up over not being perfect is self abuse and it perpetuates the fantasy that perfection exists. Practise being kind and gentle with yourself. Validate you - say, yes I made a mistake and then learn from it and move on. Remember perfection is not reality. As my mom used to say, "if we were perfect there would have been no need for us to be born and learn anything".
What have u done for you tdoay that is kind, gentle and loving? What can u do to empower yourself and feel better?
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One reason I've always had issues with accounting is exactly as you say the implications of a mistake are huge. I know I have always over reacted to those issues. I can be a martyr, victim and hold huge grudges most of the time at myself.
I do think mistakes and obstacles are the norm. I know for me the issue of working is a huge one as I am a people pleaser and over extend myself all the time. Then I end up exhausted and very very resentful.
I am glad you are seeing this stuff. I know I have to be gentle and kind to myself.
