The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Alanon for 8.5 years. My husband got his 7 year chip last week from AA. I have a friend who is an alchoholic and addict. He was clean when I met him. Told me he was "hardcore" but of course, I never believed it. He went out after 18 months clean: drinking, shooting coke, crack, the whole shebang. I was "there" for him, providing emotional support every time he came close to a bottom. helping him commit himself to the psych ward, helping him get into a rehab etc. My husband is of course extremely jealous, as well he should be. My H has asked if he needs to go out and use to get attention. I am in a profession that helps people and a true codependent, eventhough I am well aware of it.
Anyway, this man's mother is supporting him. paying his rent, buying him food etc. The guy is in an awful custody fight and his mother thinks she has to support her son, in order to see the grand kids. Several weeks ago, my friend's mother called me to talk. She told me her son was clean. (I knew differently) and so long as he was clean, "everything was OK". I asked if I could sent her something and I sent her the Alanon Merry Go Round pamplet with a note begging her to get help before she kills her son. I sent her some of the daily Hazledon readings I get in the morning, telling her to please not give money to her son, so he can hit a true bottom and maybe have a chance to recover.
Well, you old timers know where this is going. She sent her son my emails with a note to him saying "this is some of the stuff she has been sending me". My friend justifiably went beserk on me and asked me to keep my opinions to myself, not to contact his mother and not to play God, all of which I did, or try to do.
I wrote him back that my empathy and compassion was now pity and that he had the biggest pity pot I had ever seen. Went on some more about some of his rants and how they are mere justifications and rationalizations. Hello? Isn't that what alchoholics do? What was I thinking? Anyway, I also told him that I had a real problem with his past, because he dealt drugs and making money off of addiction, for me, is the lowest of the low. I am sure my letter boosted his self esteem. I ended by telling him to off. Received an email from him this morning telling me never to contact him again. I feel sad, but I do not feel the turmoil in my gut that I have felt for the last 10 months. A friend said to me if it is not your business and nobody asks you for help, don't assume they want your help. How true. I needed to hear it in black and white. I wanted to vent and introduce myself and point out that even those of us with several years in Alanon, the issues come around again. At least I understand that my motiviation was to try to hook the mother into Alanon. I had long given up my hope that I could change my friend from hardcore into something else. It is just so sad to me that his mother is as sick as he is and that she refuses to get help for herself, thereby fueling her son's addictions. THanks for listening.
I am new to the board also. I am no expert, by any means, but it sounds to me like your friend's mother needs to hit her bottom also. That was my personal experience. Boy....did I hit hard!
We can love and care for people, yet allow them to be who they are.. After all, isn't it quite possible that an alcoholic can meet someone important in their life that is also an alcoholic and live happily ever after. As crazy as this may sound, I've seen it-- two people living together their entire lives drink after drink from morning til night, yet they get along and have no problems together. Perhaps, in situations where we feel so much resistance from an alcoholic to become healthier, it has more to do with us taking ourselves out of their lives so that they can be with someone who can relate to them and vice-versa. As difficult as it is to admit, although we feel the alcoholic has the problem, the alcoholic sees us to have a problem also-- Bottom line, if a person can relate to another person despite their character flaws then perhaps there isn't a problem at all. I learned this the hard way and rather than continue to tell myself that his alcoholism was not right, I realized that I was not right for considering his and my relationship was one that should exist as it had been, ultimately keeping him from living the life that he chooses and creating a barrier between us. It was time for me to move on so that he could move on.... AND the best part about it is that having recognized this I realized how much I truly, deeply love him. Enough to let him go and discover what it is that he needs to be truly happy without me.
eek sugar you sound like me. My now (apparently I dunno) ex boyfriend's mom is the same way. So many times I've been tempted to sit her down and have a nice I'm God and so you should stop acting like Him talk with her Even the bf has talked about how he wishes she wouldn't do so much for him. Him saying no to help from her is apparently not an option. He says no, she does anyway. He even told her once that he's an alcoholic. She said he wasn't. Blah.
I recently wrote a nice long letter to the bf that I'm assuming he didn't take too well to because he's not returning calls and all of his things are still in my house. I took his inventory for him. Hey somebody's gotta do it right??
You're not alone if that's any condolence :)
I'm really confused about the difference between not letting him think he's put one over on me with the justification/rationalization/blame thing and taking inventory or playing God. Can't I say to him that's wrong, your blaming/justifying etc and here's why? Rarely do I mention this stuff - unless it's directly related to me. This time I listed all the crap I've witnessed over the past few months - stuff that had nadda to do with me and really was none of my business. I'd just had enough of the denial or something. I dunno. I'm not getting what I want from him because of this stupid disease. And I called him self absorbed!!??!!
Even the bf has talked about how he wishes she wouldn't do so much for him. Him saying no to help from her is apparently not an option. He says no, she does anyway. He even told her once that he's an alcoholic. She said he wasn't. Blah.