The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH and I have spent days talking about separation. I have been so unhappy. It's been almost 6 months since I started al-anon and I'm trying to detach from his drinking and find my boundaries. But deep down I just feel that he can never be the partner that I want and need. I want to have children one day, but how can he ever be a good father? He thinks he has his drinking "under control", that he has cut back and all is fine again. He says al-anon has "brainwashed" me and that he was "painted with the wrong brush". He is sick and tired of always being the one in the wrong, and that he has changed so much for me and that I should be the one to change. He wants to move to the US and join the marines or the army and do a tour in Afghanistan, but I know in my heart I cannot be a military wife, or leave everything I know here and follow him while he is still drinking.
We decided yesterday to separate. We have decided it before, but then fall back into thinking, well maybe we'll just give it one more shot. It's easier to stay, somehow. This time, I think it needs to be for real. I have had enough of the roller coaster. I want to get off. But still, this morning he was acting like nothing happened. Saying "I love you" before he left for work. Last night he was moping around, saying nobody loves him, interspersed with trying to act funny and charming and sweet (all the while he kept leaving the room to drink a bottle of wine). I worry that I will cave and keep on staying. We have a house together, so I'll need to put it on the market and sell before either of us can leave.... selling the house is so overwhelming and scary to me, I don't even know where to start.
I think separating is the best thing for me, and I do feel relief when I think of being on my own. And yet, I am so sad and perhaps grieving the dream of what I thought we were going to be. It is so easy to second guess, wonder if I am making the right decision, and whether I am strong enough to follow through. I am praying to my HP to show me the way, but it is so hard to know.
I am just rambling now, needed to let out my thoughts. Thanks for listening.
While you are making decisions why not make one of them to attend Al-Anon in your area for 90 days along with all of the other possibilities that have been running thru your mind. I certainly would help because you will be with alot of understanding people and many of them women who are or have been where you are right now and may have other solutions. It's good you found MIP because rescuing our own lives and rebuilding them is what we do and we support others who are looking for that also. What you are feeling and thinking is normal for the spouse of an alcoholic. You are not being abnormal. Alcoholism changes everything and abnormal becomes normal. You can have better but first you have to check into your local Al-Anon program to decide what that is or will be for yourself. We don't give advise especially on separation, divorce, marriage, jobs or stuff you need to decide for yourself.
Cdngirl - thank you so much for your post. I am at the beginning of that same roller coaster decision and there is a lot of strength in your post - even though you might not feel it right now. You are making this decision to heal yourself - that is what you can control. Your ABF has to make those decisions himself. My ABF seemingly blocks out those serious discussions too - even when I know that we had them when he was sober. It amazes me - he can go on without thinking about all of the relationship challenges we have had - while those topics are sometimes the ONLY thing I think about.
I've been in your shoes. Remember that there are two people making decisions about the relationship. It's not just you, deciding whether the relationship gives you what you need. It's also him, deciding to drink despite what it does to the relationship.
