The material presented
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Augh - I am so confused. My husband drinks. His family members are drinkers. I drink some, but at this point pretty much gave it up as it seems to be the right thing to do. Every get together with his family there is drinking going on.(this is almost weekly at this point) I've had some of my friends tell me that my husband has a drinking problem. He's not a mean drunk, he's not jealous, he's not abusive. He's the nice guy that everyone loves. Lot's of friends, very social. Most of the time a good Dad too. Takes the kids to their sports games etc. But then, you know, there are the times he comes home at 2am, unable to stand practicly, just grossly drunk, and that may be just 6 times a year, but still it's pathetic to me - it's like I'm living with a college kid. He goes out and I never know what to expect. Recently we had too many episodes so close together that I didn't have time to "get over it" and I finally told him I'd had enough. We went to a councelor and somehow agreed to limits...3 beers total - not every day. Well I'm not going to count them for him! Then I wonder - am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is it just that he needs to cut down - is he really an alcoholic? If he's not then why can't he just quit? He doesn't want to quit and even said that this cut down doesn't mean he's never going to get drunk again. He's cutting down under the pretense that we don't want our kids seeing people drink at every occasion, or even non-occasion at this point.
one minute I think I'm doing the rigth thing, by coming here, and thinking that he has a problem, but the the next I think, am I making problems for myself here? Am I just not happy with my marriage and blaming it on alcohol? But when I THOUGHT we were in agreement, we got along, felt close and seemed happy, but then came friday and off he went. There should be a blood test for these things. In the end, I guess I do think he's an alcoholic - and if I didn't have the kids, I would most likely leave if he chose to keep drinking. But the kids, augh, if he were mean and nasty, but he's not. Now I feel like my choice is to break up a family, or live with it. Hmmm
Everyone has their limits. I sheltered my kids from dad's drinking for 10 yrs. There was other stuff that I could not keep from them well enough, but unfortunately, I didn't realize that until yrs later when they began behaving like HIM! (15yrs to be precise) I have one active A now, in prison, but not getting any better, if you know what I mean. I laughed out loud when I read the part in your post about "there should be a blood test for this"! Boy I sure could have avoided a whole lot of heartache if there was. OR, would I have done it all anyway cause I thought I could change him.....probably the latter.. You have to decide what you want to live with and what you think your kids can handle living with. My youngest was almost 3 when I left him for the last time. He is the sanest one of my kids. Good luck pondering all this. Whether you think he has a problem or not, it is not for YOU to decide. Alanon definately help you sort thru all the junk tho. I think the feedback you can get here might clarify some of it for you. Hope so anyway....hang in there! ~mamasan
If his drinking is bothering you, then it's a problem - for YOU. Doesn't matter whether or not he's an alcoholic or even whether or not he chooses to stop drinking. What matters is how you are feeling.
I was with my ex for 14 years. In the beginning I was right there with him getting plastered. Then came the kids. One of us had to grow up. He was never mean or abusive or any of the "bad" stuff that seems to go along with. Always the happy life of the party guy until he passed out.
This behavior never really bothered me - although I did tire of having to deal with a sloppy drunk who passed out on TOP of the remote every night ;) He was a nice guy, easy to get along with, went to work - highly functional alcoholic he was. Then his mom, and some of our friends kept asking me what I was going to do about his drinking. Boy how funny that sounds now. Wasn't funny then!! It became my problem not his. The drinking was definately getting worse and more frequent. I got worse too. I ended up in a 6 month depression. I could barely get out of bed to feed my kids. Loading the dishwasher seemed an insurmountable task. I may as well have been drunk!! 5 years later he left because (his words) "I don't want to drink so much."
If I knew then, what I learned later in Al-Anon it would have saved me and my kids from a long decent into hell. No, it would in no way have stopped him from drinking. That was his choice. It may however, have saved my marriage/family - him drinking or not, IF that's what I'd decided I wanted.
you are at thw right place and i am glad you here.You didnt cause it you cant cure and you cant control it.You are not alone keep comeing here and do meetings as aften as you can.
Don't know if he is an A, and really, it doesn't matter all that much. It is making you unhappy. One of the main things we teach here is to focus on yourself, and not on the other person. For you, that may translate to: - go and do something you like, rather than sit at home waiting for him, and wondering what he's doing. - refuse to take any responsibility for his actions and behaviours, that is, don't be embarrassed by his embarrassing actions, don't clean up his messes. - Ask for what you need. Really, it may not matter if he is not home helping because he's drinking or because he's working, if you need help. Therefore, you focus on getting what you need, and let the details go.
Eventually, you will either realize that there is a problem, or that there isn't. Alanon won't hurt, either way. The tools are good to be used in all life situations, not just in dealing with a drunk.
Having been in a relationship with an alcoholic that was REALLY sweet, I can relate. However, over time, I became bitter because ultimately what I realized is that my needs weren't being met with him being so consumed in his lifestyle. What I finallly realized is that it doesn't matter how nice he was to others, how many friends he had, how sociable he was as much as it mattered how he contributed emotionally to our relationship. Sure, he was also a good father loving his daughter from his ex-girlfriend and taking her a few days per week. However, what I learned also is that his attention and life was based on a need to love his daughter and her love him and THAT was all that was most important to him, other than his beer. Sadly, though when we base our lives on ANYTHING or ANYONE for our happiness and then those people or things aren't conforming eventually to our lifestyle, someone is going to get hurt with that expectation. I realized how he was encouraging the behavior of his daughter to develop that relationship dependent on the relationship they had rather than on a relationship that was healthy for her. In turn, a cycle will continue of codependent relationships in most cases. I've seen this with my own daughter and her father as well.
Just remember that you have to do what is necessary for you to be happy and at peace... whatever the views of others about your husband are... They are not the ones that have to live with the emotions you experience.
