Another holiday newbie with an ABF - trying to figure out to stay or leave... - Al-Anon Family Group

Festfan · Veteran Member

Another holiday newbie with an ABF - trying to figure out to stay or leave...

afglin · Senior Member

Hello. I can realy relate to your post. Both of my parents were alkies, so of course, I mostly dated alkies. I did nto see that, but when Idated the non-drinkers life was so boring. 41 years ago I met and married my hubby. He was an alkie then and still it. I chose to stay...mostly because I did not want my family to tel me I TOLD YOU SO. I toughed it out and believe me it was really tough at times. I foudn Alanon abotu 17 years ago and I was at my wits end...ready to throw in the towel. Again I chose to stay. I love my husband. I jstu hate his disease. I have learned to accept, detach, not give into his chaos. I have learned to love the man and not the disease. It took time and practice.

You said the meetings made you uncomfortable. I think you answered your own questions there...it was because you could SEE that you were in the same situation with your BF. To me the meetings meant I had a safe place to say what I really felt...what was really going on in my head. Nobody criticised me. All I got was support, understanding and unconditional live. That's why I keep going to my weekly alanon meetings.

You asked how to figure out boundaries and detachment? to me that answer means you have to work at it. You have to get back to the emetings, get at least one of th daily reading books, get a sponsor and listen , read and learn. Then you ahve to practice it.

One reminder when it comes to go or stay with him. Alchohism is a progressive disease. You think it can't get worse? it can. It will. If you want that life for you and for any kids you may have in the future...run. It you love him enough you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep sanaity and serenity in your own life...stay with him.

I can't really tell you what to do. One thing that often helps me is somethign I have read many times in Ann Landers. Make a list. A pro and con list so to speak. What woudl be good or bad abotu staying and good or bad abotu leaving. Then see which list you want to live with.

For me , staying was my choice. It's not the choice most peopel choose becaus I was miserable most of the years. if I knew then what I know today abotu alcoholism and the extent my husband had the disease when we met, I woudl never have married. But I did, so I am sticking aroudn.

You said he won't admit he has a problem. that in itself tell you that you have a long road ahead. He wont' stop drinking until he admits he needs to and admits he wants to. He hads to do it for himself...not for you.

Best of luck!

LIN

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Festfan - you're in a good place here. :)

I, too, have an alcoholic mom. I married and divorced an alcoholic, and I am remarried to one. Alcoholism has pretty much shaped the dynamic of my life.

These days I'm so very grateful - yes, there are alcoholics in my life that have caused a lot of trouble. I wasn't taught any healthy coping mechanisms as a child or young adult, so I took on a lot of pain and responsibility for alcoholics' actions, thinking that I could help them see the light and recover. That wasn't my fault, because I didn't know any different or any better. I started going to Al Anon because I wanted to know whether to stay or leave my ex husband ... and I found myself learning instead how to cope with the things in my life without allowing myself to live and die by someone else's actions. It's awesome - I'm so grateful to be here. Alcoholism sucks. But because of it, I've gotten the opportunity to really start getting to know myself as I work on my own problems, change my own thought processes, and decide that I'm going to redirect my focus to myself. It's a day by day process, and sometimes I'm better at it than other times. But I keep coming back and keep trying because the small amount of progress I've made here is incredible, and I don't ever want to be back where I was when I got here.

Keep coming back ... the right thing for you will be clear in time.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Festfan you are definately in the right place. No one here ca say if you should stay or leave thi is your decsion to make. in al non they suggest putting off major decisions until you have been attending meeting for around six months so you have time to get clearer on your thoughts. You said the meeting made you feel uncomfortable because you know this disease has affected you. Alcoholisim is a family disease that why are thoughts are so muddled it has is affect us because we love these people but are so powerless to help it sends us nuts. I know it is hard to look at your self and scary to admit you are sick too but just like the drinkers we do not get better till we face reality and start on the road to recovery. I hope you keep coming bak it is hard but it is also one of the most amazing journeys I have been on I am getting to know me the good and the bad and hopefully with the help of this fellowship I am healing from the effects of this disease and turning myself into the kind of person I want to be. As for my relationship with the A I take it one day at a time I will make my decisions this way to but I know I will be o.k with all the help and support I recieve on here. You rae not alone we do understand and no one is judging you, please keep coming back

hugs

ythannah · Senior Member

Welcome, Festfan!

Like so many here, I am the child of alcoholic parents... I lost my AMum to cirrhosis this past November, so I'm happy that yours is seeking help.

If you want to learn just how much of your life has been controlled by growing up in an alcoholic family, I recommend reading Janet Woititz (I have The Complete ACOA Sourcebook). It's quite a revelation to see just how many of our behaviour patterns, thoughts, feelings are entirely the result of having been steeped in an alcoholic home. Just because we left that environment doesn't mean we're healthy.... most likely, we have a disease of our own.

As the others have said, only you can decide whether to stay or go when it comes to a relationship with an A. I chose "go" when I reached the point where I lost all hope that my ABF would stick with his recovery program. But that decision is best made from a position of health, which means learning everything you can about the disease in Al Anon so you can evaluate the situation clearly.

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, - you are in a good place here, stick around.

Festfan · Veteran Member

Thank you all so much for the caring replies. I know that I have to figure out my decision and that in many respects I am very lucky because I have a decision - meaning I'm not married, we don't have kids, etc. It will be hard emotionally, but I can do it. I am going to a F2F meeting tonight to get started on ME. But I am really having a hard time with the concept that I am "sick" or "broken", but I can see a lot of my personality and actions when I read other posts and other online info - I do want to try to "fix" things in a lot of my relationships (and not just with men!). I know that I have done many of the things all of you have been through - counting drinks, making deals, giving threats. I think I am really in a state of mourning because this is a good person - and he loves me a lot (and I him), but I am learning from reading that seeking out someone or staying just because he loves me isn't a healthy solution for me.

I thank you all for the support and will keep in touch on the forums. Any other reading resources (especially online!!!) are greatly appreciated...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wanted to welcome you and it is so encouraging seeing how you are taking steps to go to meetings. Also it is so refreshing to hear how you know you must learn to take care of you.

Even if it is not an A involved, for me, finding me and learning who I was, was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

I somehow found myself going back to college in my forties. I was shy too. Got tired of being uncomfortable in my own body.

Thank goodness I found me before AH came along or I doubt I would have survived it!

It was nice reading how you both love each other. My mother used to tell me just becuz ya love someone does not mean you have to live with them.

Not so easy though eh?

I have a feeling you are going to be finding a million miracles along your path.

hugs,debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey btw, YOU are not just another newbie! You are a brave person who took the steps to find help and walked right into the room to find your path to wellness!

NOW you may have to meet a few of some unique nuts here at MIP. NOT mentioning names. love,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Festfan, it's not us who are broken so much as the situation. If our ways of trying to make them stop drinking really worked, no one would ever suffer from alcoholism. But our old ways were not working, which is why we need new ways. We can't make them stop, but we can put the focus on the things we can control -- our own recovery and serenity. That's the part that's "broken." I think "sick" is a way of saying that something's happened that's not our fault. When you get flu or an infected tooth it's not that you were a bad person or you decided to make yourself sick. But you do have to take helpful actions to get yourself well. It's not "sick" like people who do weird "sick" things, it's "sick" like we're afflcted with something that's keeping us down, and we need to take care of our health.

Festfan · Veteran Member

Thanks Debilyn - your post kinda felt like a hug! :)

Mattie - than you to for your words of support. In my mind I know not to view this as my "fault" or a weakness - not his drinking, but whatever it is that draws me in to relationships with people that I am trying to "fix" or rescue. I would never think that way of someone else, but we all hold ourselves to a different standard - don't we?

I'm reading a lot and trying to look at myself, and I do think that there are patterns in my relationships with others - although this is the only relationship with an A that I have had. So, I have to come to terms with that and work on addressing it! And, in the meantime, I need to figure out this DETACHMENT concept - seems the only thing that will keep me sane in the turmoil.

frustratedinop · Member

I too am new to this website, heck I'm new to all of this. I am in love with a gret man, the man of my dreams except he is an "A" (is this the correct terminology?) Tell me why am I the one going to go to Alanon meetings and he is doing nothing but telling me he wants to stop. How can I think about starting a life with someone who cannot take the first step to stop?

Festfan · Veteran Member

Hi Frustrated! It certainly sounds like we are going through the same thing right now! My BF seems to think his level of drinking is "normal" even though its always more than anyone around us and I have been told that I don't drink enough! (and believe me, that is not true). I went to a meeting tonight and someone said that very often when we change our response - that the A in our life will notice and sometimes that initiates change. So I have been doing a lot of counting of drinks, asking for boundries of his drinking - like what he orders, etc. I guess I at least need to figure out a way to not react to his drinking.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Good luck too!

frustratedinop · Member

Thanks Festfan:
I hate the idea of giving up on a wonderful man but I am afraid I will be so angry all the time that it will be an unhealthy relationship. We have had some major discussions lately and I know he loves me but he won't stop drinking. How much time do we put into this? Do I give him ultimatiums? I don't think that will help.
Let me know how you are coping and I will keep you in my prayers

Sam72 · Veteran Member

Hi, I cant really offer you any advice but I can say that you are not alone, I too am in my late 30's never married and dont have any children and have an Abf, I know every case is different from another, but I have learnt to accept that he may never recover from this disease. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me as well. Good luck and I hope everything turns out ok for you.

Sam72 · Veteran Member

I just read all the replies to this discussion and now i'm sitting here crying my eyes out, I am starting to realise that I'm not coping as well as I told myself I was. But reading what you all have said has helped me even though this wasnt my discussion. Thanx Festfan for your topic.

seweasy · Member

I'm also new to this site and al anon in general. I have been with my addict bf for 4 going on 5 years. I recently chose to leave him and as much as I feel sadness, I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can do what I want when I want and don't have to worry about him.
It's your own choice on whether or not to leave him. And if you choose to leave it doesn't mean you don't still love him, that is what I am beginning to understand.
I also wasn't married and didn't have kids with my addict bf so it makes it easier to have a clean break.
I felt that since I only have one life to live I should live it happily and I wasn't able to be happy with an addict bf whom I could no longer trust.
Best of luck to you!

Festfan · Veteran Member

Seweasy - thanks for your experience - I have learned a lot from reading your "newbie" posts as well. Hopefully with the support of people here, I will get the perspective that will help me make the right decision for ME. And we both will have support and tools to get through those decisions.

Peace...

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that I feel doomed anymore as I really like this program and all the good it brings me. I know I have a tendency to feel comfortable around dysfunctional people. Having boundaries really helps with that but having boundaries does not come naturally to us.

In al anon we don't suggest anyone do anything about their relationship or do the leave/stay paradigm. There are numerous tools that can help you with or without your torturing yourself with the stay leave issue. They are detaching, putting yourself first and getting to know the disease of alcoholism. The paradigm is that when we understand the disease of alcoholism we stop taking it all so very very personally. I know expect alcoholics to be the way they are. Do I sitll have a problem with them and their actions, absolutely but it does not affect me and upset me in the way it once did. Do i still struggle with those issues, absolutely. I work on the tools all the time.

You are absolutely in the right place being here. Many of us come from very dysfunctional alcoholic families that was not our fault. We can learn our patterns, examine them, learn new tools and break the cycle. You are at a new beginning where you can feel less doomed and more in charge of what can be a very inspiring life.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.