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Everything reminds me of him. I continue to act like an addict myself, still texting, calling, reaching out for that validation and love from someone who has always rejected me. In some layer of my mind I believe that if he would just WANT me back, WANT to be with me - that i would somehow be "worthy" of my own self appreciation and self love.
Being gentle and kind with myself is so very difficult.
We haven't yet sorted out our house situation so we avoid each other most of the day.
I feel like three months ago i recommitted to my program and promised myself I'd throw myself back into my recovery. I didn't. I slipped again and fell back into the emotional dependency - the "doing everything together" and the TRUTH is that we were both unhappy in the relationship because we were unhappy with ourselves and expected the other person to "correct" that or to make us feel better about who we were.
Letting go is just so very hard.
I need to keep accepting the reality of this - I need to move on with my life. i find myself still unable to let go and feel the full grief. It's as if I somehow believe I will die without his emotional support - even though intellectually I know this is not true.
I find myself STILL acting in my addiction/obsession. I text and have EXPECTATIONS for a response - I LOOK for a response that validates that he isn't leaving me because I'm rejected. It's as though this rejection feels so very fatal to me.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Saturday 2nd of January 2010 09:28:35 PM
I have been where you are and I feel your pain. When I was in the throes of "detoxing" from my AH, I couldn't take it one day at a time, it was oftentimes one hour or one-half hour at a time. All I can tell you is that as you take those baby steps (and some of them may be steps backwards), you will grow stronger, the pain will lessen and you will feel alive again.
I played those games with myself. I won't txt him for an hour. Okay, I made it an hour, I will wait two hours this time. Okay, I made it two hours, how long can I go now?
It takes time and it takes work. I made sure that I hit my meetings, I read my Al-Anon literature, I learned how to call others in the program when I was feeling so utterly alone and emply.
I had to keep giving it all up to my HP. I made a "god box" and I wrote it all down and put it in the box. I repeated the serenity prayer as a mantra. It slowly got better.
I finally got to a place where I could say (and mean it) that I wanted the relationship to be what my HP wanted it to be and not just what I wanted. That was so hard to do, but it was also very freeing.
I also had to learn (for the first time in my life, I think) how to sit with the pain and not react to it. I had to accept that the pain would eventually ease and that I would not die--even though I felt like I would.
Hang in there. You are not alone. Your HP has plans in store for you. Be open to it and keep the focus on yourself. And, keep coming back. There is always someone here to listen and to understand.
Yours in Recover,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Mourning a loss- even a "bad" loss- can be terribly painful. Right now my AW is in another city, has been gone four days supposedly visiting a GF for New Year's.
I'm lonely and sad. But I don't dwell on it, I keep busy. And above all, I don't exacerbate the situation. I haven't text her or called (she's text a couple times, I tell her baby & I are OK). If I were to try to contact her and wait for a response (which won't come) then I'm setting myself up for expectations and hurt. So I don't do it- I just don't do it!!!!
I don't try to think about or find out what she's doing. Even if she answered me, it would hide some element of deception. So I quit doing it a long time ago, and believe it or not, it's helped.
She should be coming home tomorrow, but I'm not going to ask her when. Nor am I going to sit around and wait. Baby and I are going out, and we'll do something fun.
The other thing(s) I did this w/e that helped is I did the things that I can't do with her around- things I've put off for a few years. I've visited friends that I hadn't seen much. I worked on some favorite projects that I can't seem to get done when she's around. I watched TV shows that she won't watch and will only bitch about if I turned them on. I ate at restaurants she doesn't care to go to.
Although I miss her, I've enjoyed doing some things that I can't normally do. It was nice. Lonely, but satisfying. I lived the last few days as if she wasn't in my life, and enjoyed it.
I know exactly what you mean. I've done that, too - sending a text just to get a response (for me, this usually this ended with not getting the response I wanted and being very upset). I'm still guilty of this sometimes. It's a process.
It's okay if you slipped. We all do. You can pick yourself up and do what you need to do for yourself for this hour - and then next hour - and then the hour after that. Getting too far ahead and thinking in terms of days or weeks may be too much for the moment, and that's okay. Be kind to yourself.
Glad you're here - let your Al Anon family love you and support you through this difficult time.
Hard I know. I was diagnosed as a love addict to my AHSober's love avoidant. So we dance the dance. He left over four years ago. I have been alone for most of the time. I miss him terribly but it is not reciprocal. It is painful. But it is not healthy to pursue someone who does not want you. That is painful. But it really is not about us.
I have to work on it daily, hour by hour, minute by minute. I pile Alanon on me. Phone calls, meetings, literature, friends, strangers. I have to value my life more than his. We will be ok without them. Like it or not. Our HP's are always there. I ran today in the snow. That helps me alot.
Thank you for your honest share. It reminds me that I am not alone.
I experienced an obsession with someone this past year, and I became frustrated that the obsession prayer wasn't doing a thing. My sponsor suggested that I do an inventory. It was then, that I discovered my approval-seeking character defect. I realized that I was subconsciously telling myself, "If only he would love me......... THEN I'll be okay."
So, it's my experience, that God is not going to remove the obsession until I clean house a little more, digging a little deeper to find out something more about myself. The obsession itself, serves a purpose.
Today, I am praying and meditating more. Without my HP, I just don't think right. Once again, I had made someone else my HP.
Spiritual progress, not perfection. I pray that your HP will give you the courage to walk through this door. Ask for the strength you need. You will be just fine.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Its been 2 days since I have texted, email or called my A ex who left me 21 days ago - it is so very hard. Now he says he wants to see me, and I am just sitting with the experience to know what I should do. I know how hard it is - what has helped me most is spending time with friends - getting out - going bowling- ice skating- keeping busy, but not by myself. Being in public with people has really helped. That way I am not sitting around wanting to text. The nights and mornings are the hardest when i want to contact him. In the am I wake up in shock that he is gone, but finally 3 weeks after he left I am finally able to sleep more.
Hang in there - I know how hard it is - the worst is not texting when you have your phone with you all the time. Leave your phone at home if you can - so you aren't tempted.
I don't know if I will see my ex - 90 percent of me despereately wants to see him but 10 percent knows I probably shouldn't - that it will set back my recovery.
Write on a calendar or somewhere how long its been. I keep track of the days since I have seen him, the hours since I have texted or email him - since I spoke to him. It seems to help me. Reward yourself by doing something nice for yourself. Get out and walk! I have a dog and I walk at night - which is the most peaceful - and the hardest time to be alone.
My thoughts are and have been with you -since you first posted.
when I am hurting like you I hav to get buzy the more I sit and obsess the worse it gets. As others have suggested I leave my phone in the house. I go shoppping, I clean up , I meet friends, watch a good film, go for a run anything anything at all that will divert my thoughts even if it is just for 10 mins. The I concentrate on the next hour or 10 mins what ever I can manage. I read my books ring other members or my sponsor. I repeat step one I am powerless over others, I repaet the serenity prayer, I repeat the slogans THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I do what ever it takes and before I know it a day has passed then two then three and \i have not rung, then he normally rings me I am working hard now on the not picking up the calls cause just like you I realise we are both sick and playing a very dangerous game. We both need to work our own programmes and get better how can we love another when we can not love ourselves. I m trying hard to love me do what is right for me. The more I stop turning to him and look to me and my HP and al anon the better I get.
I remember to well exactly how you feel, and for me it was a horrible, hurtful and empty place to be. I didn't care if I woke up from day to day-wasn't suicidal but probally would have been without knowing my son and mother depended on me for their existance. All I wanted to do was sleep....I went to work, cried most of the day, came home, took a bath, cried in the tub for an hour so my son didn't hear me, and went to bed and slept. My body physically and emotionally was crumbling from the pain.
I opened all kinds of cans of codependant crazies on EXABF, even setting up a phony email account!!! I was nuts! It took me forever to quit sticking my hand on the hot stove-and there are times STILL that I want to go online and search for him and see what he is doing and who with. Why? I have no idea-other than it is my illness. I needed my drug of choice and needed it I think at the time MORE than he needed a drink. I was empty and looking for him to fill that void I had carried for so long, because in the beginning being with him did just that. In the end even he couldn't do it and it wasn't fair of me to expect him or anyone to try. I finally figured out it had to come from within.
TLC said it all..........When I was working the steps and really diving into my program I was happy and full. I let my HP fill the void in my life-that big empty spot that no other person could fill.
I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. Try to take in one day at a time-better yet one hour, one minute at a time. Keep coming back, posting and sharing and getting it out.
Love and peace shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I know how hard this can be on you. You are in mourning for the loss of a loved one, much like I mourn the loss of my beloved Tim. There really isn't that much difference between them. Go ahead and mourn that loss. It's part of the recovery process.
When you find yourself obsessing over him, try and get busy. That helped me when I asked the A to leave. It was one minute at a time lone enough one day at a time. I did everything I could to take my mind off of him. I did really hard puzzles, cooked a complicated recipe anything that required concentration. It worked. A few hours passed that I wasn't thinking of him. Then it stretched into a few more hours and then a day. Just keep at it. It will be easier once he's out of the house. At least you won't be avoiding each other and you will be able to reclaim your space and make it your own. Stay busy and get to your meetings. It will help. Love and blessings to you.
LIve strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The other day a friend told me, regarding the texts and phone calls, that it was a component to the insanity and akin to MY using behavior.
I was still having an expectation that constantly did not get met. If I wanted to practice self care I would need to stop the insanity (doing the same thing and expecting different results).
I am trying to be more aware of my attempts to reach out to fill the hole within. Not sure what else to be filling it with though!
I had multiple communication with the ex A for a long long time. I'd moved out for a while and he could still pull me back in. There was always that one more clarification, one more expression. I got to the point where I decided to limit it. I didn't label it. I stopped beating myself with the stick. I set limits one day at a time. I went one weekend without communication. That led to another. I'd fall back, pick myself up and move on.
Letting go is tremendously difficult. I am still working on it. There is part of me that still rages at him and his destructiveness. There is now part that is ready to say I'm going on. I don't know how I am going on.
I know for sure when I left the ex A it was a huge huge huge mess. The bills, the contents, the transition. I think now to expect it to be anything but that is to not be realistic. For years and years I held on because I could not face the mess. Now I am. I need a lot of help with it and I get that. I no longer go to the butchers to buy bread. I can still meet people who say they will help and then they do a bait and switch. I am much more able to shelve those relationships now. For a long long time I felt so frightened, broken and upset I had no measure of discernment at all. You are here. You are doing the work. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes it is one minute at a time.
