The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so down. I was transferring birthday dates from old calendar onto new. Noticed in Jan last year AH had appointment with doctor about his alcoholism. I went with him and listened while he earnestly told doc how he really wanted to give up drinking. Well, failed de-toxes followed as well as several admissions for alcohol induced seizures, etc.
Had lots of new year messages from friends saying "Happy New Year - hope 2010 will better than the last - it can't be any worse" Well, yes it can.
Thursday was the 1st time in 38 years of marriage that I spent New Year's Eve on my own. (I went out with friends). He just spends 90% of his time in his bedroom drinking neat brandy straight from the bottle. It's so squalid.
We had the mother of all rows tonight. He told me off for always scowling and never smiling. This unleashed the floodgates and I must have railed at him for 20 minutes non-stop. He just turned the radio up. That made me grab the radio, turn it off and throw it at him along with a lot of expletives. It does absolutely no good whatsoever. I have been in tears for the last hour and can feel myself becoming seriously depressed. He's just fallen asleep. He really has no feelings for his family and friends any more - just the brandy bottle.
My learning-disabled son keeps me going otherwise I don't know what I would do. I am very good at keeping up a "front" so everyone thinks how wonderfully I cope but, if I didn't have son who depends on me, to look after, I'm not sure what I would do.
Tish
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Saturday 2nd of January 2010 06:56:20 PM
Hi Tatty.....heres a ((((((hug)))))). This disease stinks for sure. The insanity is currently knocking at my door tonight, but I aint in. Every tool in the box is being applied to stop me reacting.
Im glad you were able to spend new year with friends...... Keep coming back, youre not alone.
As Rabbie Burns would say.......heres a hand my trusty friend and gies a hand o thine
Happy New Year! At least you are venting. I spent my 35th anniversary alone with my son and no AHsober. First time in 35 years I haven't been with my AHSober even if he has been reluctant. I spent New Year's Eve alone, snowed in. Of course, my AHsober was out kicking up his heels. My son told me that I deserve better. He said get out of the marriage. Hard to hear from your own son.
So hang on to Alanon. Accept that it is the disease talking. Our HP's want more for us.
Tish, I can relate, I haven't thrown anything at mine but an envelope and missed. Gee, couldn't even do that right. It was then that I realized that he was in control, not I and he even said "something is wrong with you, you're not normal" That really got to me. Maybe I should have used something heavier, lol.
I hated the silent treatment and yet I enjoyed it as well, because it gave me rest from his nagging and yelling.
I can still find myself absolutely exasperated around alcoholics. I no longer have the kind of relationships I once did but I still have to deal with them.
I can also find myself in despair, rage and absolute burn out. For me that's a sign I need to detach, pull back, focus on what can I do to take care of me.
Of course alcoholics project very very well. They feel the world owes them total understanding but they don't give it back. I no longer take what any alcoholic says personally. I can't say I completely escape their influence but I have a radar now.
I'm so glad you have al anon. I still grieve daily the ex A. I can see clearly so so clearly how his disease progressed.
Just need a little vent