The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 23 years old And have been with the same boyfriend since I was 15 years old Our puppy dog love, turned into a very close and healthy relationship.. Everyone wanted a relationship like ours.. WOW you guys look so happy.. I wish I had someone. So I could be happy like you two.. No one could have imagine what our relationship would end up like..I def didnt ..Since a very young age we partied every weekend with alcohol.. But not until we entered college is when his drinking spiraled out of control.. I believe it may have been the pressure of school.. And not getting into the college he wanted. I knew that he had some depression issues when he first entered his teens.. And it had ran in the family. But it seemed to decreased. When we were still living at home friends started noticing his drinking and how his drinking affect him and myself. Starting fights.. pushing me in publicscreaming.. He was literally turning into someone else.
I tried working through his drinking. Got our first apartment a year ago.. Seemed perfect. But it was obviously I was taking care of him. I Paid for everything, worked and went to school. He did work but would spend his money on alcohol. I tried fooling myself that I was ok and that he was ok.. But everyone could see that I was not happy.. that he wasnt happy.. Three months later he broke up with ME. He explained that I was to good for him.. That he didnt feel like a man.. And that he needed to get help for his drinking. At the time.. I was CRUSHED.. I tried so hard to be the perfect couple.. and I felt he was just giving up on EVERYTHING.. I begged him to stay.. Told him that I would help him.. But he was done.. We broke up for 7 months. For the first 2 months I didnt do anything.. Lost weight. Was very depressed.. Then after a few months I started going out.. I had never been single.. I realized.. Wow. I dont need to take care of anyone??? It was very odd. But I was still alone. And for the next few months he would call drunk telling me that he loved me.. He even followed me to bars.. Sounds stupid.. But when he did call sober.. I wanted to be back with him.. I felt like he really loved me. It was CONFRONTABLE. So we started to date again.in sep 09. NOTHING CHANGED.. it was worse.. We never talked. He drank in my basement with my parents.. I never hung out with my friends I refused to drink with him. It got so bad that eventually I did go out with my friends and he hated it.. He would search for my car at places come in and just stare at me. We had no communication at all.. And that was never us in the beginning. Horrible.. So after trying to talk with him and telling him that the relationship was not healthy for either of us.. And that his drinking was not under control.. He convinced me that we should work on things and that he would stop drinking cold turkey.. I told him that he needed professional help and he told me no that he could do it.. He was sober for a week! But it was the BEST week we have had in years.. It was like we were 15 again But after that week and talking with my family.. I decided that I could not help him anymore..I was emotionally tired.. I feel horrible and guilty.. Confused.. Hurt.. Depressed.. You name it.. I feel it. I found this website and have been searching for meeting.. He called me recently crying and explained that he told his parents and has a meeting at the hospital this MondayI really would like some helpshould I pick up the phone when he calls..?? What should I say??? should he be on my face book I know this is long.. I just need help.. Thank you.
I should also mention that alcoholism runs in my family.. And I dont want to continue that trend of bad marriages
Get to alanon if you can, and take care, you did cause it, can't cure it, or control it, so for your own happiness and peace of mind, you need to take care of you. Sending prayers your way.
Step #1 of our program is to wrap our brain around that we are powerless over alcohol. We are responsible for our healing and the A is responsible for his. We can do nothing about their drinking, just as he could not "make" you drink...you can't make him stop.
Alanon has tools that will help you and in turn may help him. For example, Alanon suggests we don't do anything for the alcoholic that they can do themselves. We don't clean up their messes by paying their bills, covering for them, when they are out of money due to the drinking we don't give them money to drink more. These actions just give the disease a longer life and a easier path.
When we begin to look, most of us can see we have enabled the disease at some point, thinking we were helping. We kept the alcoholic from suffering consequences of the disease. We realize we has a significant part, our part.
The good news is "When we know better, we do better". We get better through the fellowship of Alanon. Even if your relationship doesn't work out, you will surely want to figure out how to prevent it from happening again. We learn how to move forward, change the things we can and leave old habits behind.
To find a meeting in your area, please call 1-888-4alanon. They will inform you of the days, times and addresses of local meetings. Knowledge is power.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for replying to my post. Im doing research now to find meetings around the area where i live. Any information you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again.
You're off to a positive start by finding this site. I'm very new here myself but in the short time I've been coming here it has helped me so much. There are no face to face meetings in my area so I've been attending the online meetings here. If there are no meetings in your area I definitely recommend the online meetings. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. But you're not alone. And it will get better. Sstart by doing what's good for YOU, and keep coming back here.
Hello and welcome, Teach! You're in a good place! :)
As Pineapple said, start by doing what's good for you. If you can get your hands on some Al Anon literature (it should be available at any face to face meeting you find), it will be helpful. Keep coming back!
Thanks.. I am eagerd to find a meeting.. been reading a lot of info. I do need some advice asap.. if any one can help it would be great.
He wrote me a long email.. saying that it wasn't my fault, that he loved me.. that he spoke to his mother and that he had an appointment to speak to a doctor.. sounds stupid but it was all very nice.. and made me cry.. but after reading it i still felt that he needed to get help and the we shouldn't be together becuase it was too much for me emotionally and that he had said he wanted to stop before and he didn't... and today he had called a few times but i hadn't picked up.. i didn't know what to say.. after the third time i called back.. it was a lot of empty air time on the phone.. we asked eachother if we were ok.. we both said no.. i began to cry alittle..i asked him information about the appointment he had made.. and he said it was canceled because it was so "full"??? not sure if he is being honest.. and for the most part of our relationship he has been very honest.. i ased ok.. so what are you doing next.. and he said he was going to reschedule.. and i said when.. and he said when theres a open time.. i asked him how he got the appointment and he said he had told his mother that he needed to talk to a someone.. and i said did you tell your parents why.. and he said no.... im like you need to tell them.. and he said that was an adult and that he could do it on his own with out getting his parents involved. i feel so confused right now.. ughh.. isn't that one of the first steps.. admiting that you have a problem.. i feel his parents should know.. he lives with them now! I feel that part of his depression is his distance with his parents.. hes ashamed to tell his parents.. he spoke about if he was to change, he was nerrvous that i wouldn't be with him after his recovery.. this makes me feel that he is doing this for me.. not for him.. to this i said that we are not talking about OUR relationship.. that he needed to work on him..
I really need help.. and plan on going to a meeting this week in my town.. but for now.. does anyone have advice..should i pick up the phone.. and what should i say.
