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Hi all, I was doing my Wii Fit this morning and listening to Pandora (an online radio where you can create your own stations) and something happened that just has me laughing at my HPs sense of humor.
I was just going through the motions of the work out, not really feeling like doing it. I love the energy it gives me at work though so I continued doing it. Before I knew it I was stomping pretty hard on the little Wii board doing the step areobics. I didn't even realize what I was doing.
There was this song playing called lovefool! I am posting the lyrics below. I listened, I mean actually listened to the words for the first time and they really stirred up some anger......with ME!
Dear, I fear we're facing a problem you love me no longer, I know and maybe there is nothing that I can do to make you do Mama tells me I shouldn't bother that I ought just stick to another man a man that surely deserves me but I think you do!
So I cry, and I pray and I beg
(How many times did I do that in my marriage???? Oh so many)
Chorus: Love me love me say that you love me fool me fool me go on and fool me love me love me pretend that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me
So I cried, and I begged for you to Love me love me say that you love me lead me lead me just say that you need me I can't care about anything but you
(I did that....All of that! I know on some level he loves me, but it isn't the way I want to be loved and there was so much missing. I got to the point where all I cared about was him and taking care of him. His needs and wants always came before mine and sadly before our kids too. All the while I would tell him how lonely and unloved I felt).
Lately I have desperately pondered, spent my nights awake and I wonder what I could have done in another way to make you stay Reason will not reach a solution I will end up lost in confusion I don't care if you really care as long as you don't go
(This is where I am truly grateful for my alanon program. I have worked this progam more than ever this past year. I know that I did the best I could with what I have. I know that I gave my all to trying to save/fix my marriage. In the end I realized that for 12 years I was doing all the work and I just got tired of it. So I don't look back and wonder what I could have done differently. I know I am NOT perfect and that I did make many mistakes, but I did the best I could so I have no regrets. And even right now if he asked me if we could work it out I can't go back there. I won't let myself. Because he is not all that I care about anymore.)
Repeat chorus
I was so angry with me for letting him treat me the way he did by the end of the song. Right now I am just allowing myself to feel the anger as I have never allowed myself to feel that emotion, I have always pushed it down. I know I need to forgive myself and I know I will, but right now letting those fleeting moments of feeling the anger is something I need to allow myself to do so I can learn how to express it in a healthy way. I usually have a great talk with myself after the anger goes about all the positives I am doing right now so i am not so negative on me.
Anyway- Right after that song ended. I started my boxing portion of the Wii (OH I love the boxing) and this is when my HP showed me his humor. The next song was Janet Jackson's "What have you done for me lately" and I normally don't listen to her.
At first I was laughing so hard I lost my rhythm on the boxing. Then I was like yeah! What have you done for me lately. I started punching harder and kicked my poor little boxing bag guy's butt.
I started thinking negative of all the stuff he could be doing now, but isn't. Like spending time with his kids or helping out financially (which I knew wasn't going to happen).
Then I thought that I wanted to be positive not negative so I started thinking of all the things that I AM doing for me right now and lately. :) Much better way to be thinking.
The next song was the Jackson Five's "I want you back" I looked at the PC said heck no and tuned it out :).
So I need to adjust my station so I can get back to my rock like it was supposed to be, but today I am glad for the humor and the reflections.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I too love my Wii Fit (although I have NOT gotten into a routine as of yet ....) and Pandora and have also caught myself noticing recovery in all kinds of song lyrics. Seems like every where I look, I can find some Alanon if I'm paying attention.
I can relate in many ways to your post. The first thing that comes to mind for me is the fact that I am not number one in my AW's life again. I accept that even though I do not like how it taste when I swallow. With the program I realize it is O.K. to look back and learn from the past while also remembering not to stare too long. Sometimes late at night I get on You Tube and type in old songs I want to hear again. I will admit when I do that it has a tendency to make me stare. Oh, maybe a better word is reflect, which is only a nicer way to say stare. It sounds better anyway doesn't it? So I reflect back on the better times when the disease was not in total control while listening to the words of some of my favorite songs over the years. When I am done listening, and I don't have one of your "Little Boxing Bag Guys" butt to kick, (lucky you) I simply cut off the computer, go outside and punch the sky 8 or 10 times. By the way I have been told punching the sky is allowed in Al-Anon. LOL. Some might call that "stinking thinking", I perfer to call it a "mini break" from the program.
HUGS, and Happy New Year To All, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 31st of December 2009 04:39:48 PM
Rlc, I don't think it is stinking thinking. It sounds to me more like letting yourself feel your feelings and punching the sky is an appropriate outlet for those feelings. It hurts nobody, just lets out the pent up energy. No harm, no foul.
Feeling again is something a lot of us struggle with. I went for years not feeling anything BUT anger and rage. It was scary and miserable. I had to learn again to feel sadness and fear, then happiness and joy. It was a long road, but so worth it.
I think for me, I had gotten to a point where none of my feelings were safe to feel, so I stuffed them all, positive and negative, and they just boiled out all the time.
When I started feeling again, they came in waves. I cried a lot, and talked a lot about fear at meetings and with my program friends, etc. I learned that these emotions were just energy and they would pass as soon as I let them through. They would not destroy me, and others reactions to them did not have to be my problem, either. I learned to share them in safe places at meetings and with safe program people and let them pass. It took several months to get all the stuffed stuff out. Then I quit feeling so overwhelmed by them all the time.
Mandy, thank you for sharing your workout. I miss my workouts.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
