Possible DL reinstatement - Al-Anon Family Group

suzydawn · Member

Possible DL reinstatement

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the laws must vary by state so I don't think my experience would apply to yours. But in a way mine is like yours anyway because my A ex is still drinking and I don't trust him to drive our son. My ex is a binger -- he goes months being sober and then goes off the deep end and has a binge, beginning secretly until finally it can't be hidden any longer. So the fact that he has been sober for six months doesn't mean that I can trust that he will be sober this afternoon, if you follow me.

So the bottom line is that even though it's legal for him to drive, I don't trust him to do it. He's had two DUIs and had to have a breathalyzer on his car for a year, and I know of many times he's driven drunk without being caught.

It does %$#@ that I can't depend on him to drive or help out in that way it all. We split up and he does live one block away, so he walks over and collects our son and they walk back the block to his apartment. And we live downtown so they can walk to pizza places, the library, etc. That makes it a lot easier. But basically there are many ways I can't trust him to be a full-responsibility dad, and it does ^%$#&, bigtime.

There are two things I tell myself about this, and they may not help you, but here they are for what they're worth. One thing is that I knew early on that he was odd and had issues, even though I didn't figure out he was an alcoholic till I got educated and his problem got severe. But I took on someone who I knew was less capable than me. And I think, "My choices, my results." Just as his choices have consequences, so do mine. I don't know why that's a comfort -- except that it doesn't feel as if I've been visited with a terrible calamity out of the blue. I made choices, and these are my results. Now I know better, and from here on out I'm making better choices.

I also compare my situation to other people I know. I know some single mothers where the dad has vanished totally. I know some where the ex is very violent, and one where the ex is vindictive and full of lawsuits. Even though my A is infuriating and drunken, he's a guy of good will, he loves our son and is loved, and I'll never find myself being sued by him. He's a mess and his life is a mess, and it's too bad. But if I had the choice, I'd choose this situation, and having to do all the driving, rather than the vindictive, violent exes some of my friends have, who can drive! I don't want to minimize the aggravation of having an A whose life is a mess, but I remind myself that it also could be a lot worse.

Another thing I do is trade off carpooling with other parents! Practical solutions help too.

I'm sure your instincts are best when it comes to how safe your A is to drive. Keep everyone safe. Best to you!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Please don't waste time worrying about somthing that won't happen for at least 10 yrs , if it makes hubby happy thinking he will be re enstated so be it . not worth discussing really a simple U could be right ends the discussion .
Does hubby not have work people who can drive him to work and bring him home , the driving the kids isn't such a big deal really , I had to do it myself for yrs because my husb always worked away from home .
I met some nice people while attending thier sports and I am sure u will too .
If your not already please find Al-Anon meetings in your area u need support .
Oh and remember kids grow up one day the oldest can drive his siblings to thier sports , * look for the silverlinning * its always there . Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Abbyal. It is nothing we can control either way.
When my A would say crazy things, I would just say,"you must be right." Left it at that.

I do know how you feel. It does put a huge responsibility on you to always have to drive. This is what makes us say we have to take care of ourselves. The A is very, very sick. Maybe if you think of it as if he was blind, you would have to do it for sure.

As far as us taking care of us. When those things come up if your son gets involved in things that require rides, I invite you to get to know other parents and take turns. I always met my kids friends and their parents anyway.

We always say take one day at a time. It really works. If I thought about how I would always have to do the driving until he can drive, it would make me nuts.

So in my life I take ONE day at a time. So much easier to face. Hon my life has been so crazy. Got left with a 5 acre animal sanctuary to do myself. I am talking 3 horses, 4 llamas, 20 some pot pigs, on and on. Then fighting not to lose my home. I promise doing one day is so much easier. In fact it honeslty makes it very ok and enjoyable.

I hope you keep coming back. This place can make things so much easier.

love,debilyn

suzydawn · Member

Mattie - thank you. I laughed when I read our post because I often remind myself that I'm in the situation that I'm in because of my choices & it does help me too to remind myself . . . I remember that I'm not a victim here. the first few years I was with my AH (boyfriend then) he was sober & attending meetings but now I understand that it was all because of being court ordered. He gets off probabtion next month and this will be the first time in eight yrs of us being together that he will not be attached to the courts in someway . . . except that he doesn't have a drivers license. However, he still sneaks and drinks. I have also learned along the way that being involved with an alcoholic in your life involves so many more dynamics than drinking . . . Your set up with your ex just living down the block has been a scenerio in my head when the thought comes up to seperate however, for today I'm choosing to stay. Although, a large part of me assumes that one day he will be arrested again for an OWI but this time I'm pretty sure he would go to prison for awhile. I'm just rambling now . . . just want to convey that I felt a connection with your post ~Thanks

suzydawn · Member

Just wanted to say thanks to Abbyal and Debilyn too. Just reading your post made me remember that it really isn't that big of deal to get my son where he needs to be. I think more than anything I feel resentful at times especially when I do all the driving for occasions when we all go somewhere. But like Mattie reminded me I'm just living my choice . . . I met him without a driver's license (although he lead me to believe that his license was just around the corner & that has now turned into 8 yrs). I don't know why we make the choices we do sometimes. Debilyn, before my AH I lived alone on 6 acres with three horses (and a couple of dogs and a cat) but I sold my place and horses (although we have a horses boarded so I still ride sometimes) & moved to town after having our son so that we could all be together. In other words, I had to let go of my life in the country with my horses in order to live with someone without a driver's license since he can't get around - get to work etc . . living in the country without a DL. My agreement with him was that I would do this for a few years & then when he got his license back we would move back to a place where we could have horses. However, at that time I still didn't have all the facts & did not understand how bad is driving record actually was. He says that he gets his license back next Febuary but the attorney I talked with says that he'll never get his DL back. but like you have all said . . . one day at a time.

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