New member. Just left my addict bf and really need support. - Al-Anon Family Group

seweasy · Member

New member. Just left my addict bf and really need support.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, seweasy, you are in the right place. You might also want to find some face-to-face meetings for support -- try several until you find one that's the right fit.

I know so well that feeling that something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it and of course the person denies it. Because lying and denial are part of the disease. It gets so crazy when they even deny things that are perfectly obvious -- you feel like you're in some weird kind of alternate reality where 2+2 no longer equals 4.

And of course they also want no unpleasant consequences ever to come from their addiction. (Unpleasant consequences mean a rupture in the denial.) Like the fact that they lose friends and loved ones because they've checked out of normal life. That's one big reason they do that "change back" manipulation -- "You used to be more understanding," "You used to be less critical." My alcoholic would just shake his head at what he said was my refusal to get help for my severe mental problem, which was my insistence that "normal having fun" was some kind of addiction. ("Normal having fun" like passing out, spending thousands of dollars on court costs, being ordered to go through rehab by the courts, etc...)

It is normal to feel sad about addiction -- our hearts aren't stones -- but adults are responsible for their own selves. And that's a good thing, because only the addict has the power to decide to turn his life around. And until they're good and ready, they won't. Many of them never become good and ready, that's the plain truth. We're also responsible for our own lives.

You sound as if you have a lot of good perspective on the situation. You're under no obligation to be in contact with your ex if it's not helping your recovery. Keep concentrating on you, on learning about all of this, and on peace and serenity. Keep coming back. This is a place full of people walking the same path.

seweasy · Member

Thanks for writing back so quickly. That's exactly how I felt when I actually saw him physically popping a pill in his mouth and he then proceeded to deny it. I really felt like I was going insane...
Both my parents are addicts, my mom has been a recovering addict for 6 years and my dad is still a heavy drinker.
I do want to go to "face to face" meetings but I'm a bit nervous, especially if there is a lot of people. And I want to talk about my feelings but not in front of everyone so it feels easy for me to write it on here.
I want him to get the help for himself not me, because truthfully I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I feel like I am still young and need to have freedom. He was very controlling and even questioned me about things when I never did anything to dishonor his trust. I feel worry free right now but when I think of what he must be going through I just feel really bad. I guess that is normal.
I think he thinks if he stays clean that maybe in 90 days I will be there waiting for him but I don't think I want to be ya know?
I just took down all the photos of us together that were up in my room and I need to move his stuff into a different room until he can pick them up I think.
Thanks for the support and kind words!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , he has to do what he has to do , until he says enough , there is never enough . compassion is a good thing , but using the way he was raised is just another excuse to drink , he drinks because he has a problem period .
Detach with respect and allow him the dignity to grow up and take responsibility for his own mess . its not yours to fix .
Gotta love em when everything else fails they go for the guilt (, you used to be more forgiving ) Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , learn about the disease and how it has affected you , you too need to recover or u will just find another alcoholic relationship . good luck Louise

seweasy · Member

I am thinking about attending this meeting in my area tomorrow, just a little nervous but I think it would be a good way to have a nice New Years Eve. I hate that I feel guilty for leaving him because the past few days I really have felt relief and stress/worry free.
He said yesterday he wants to be friends but I just really don't think I can do it...granted we have a dog together I just don't think remaining friends will work for us...
Thank you for the support! I'm really going to try for this al anon meeting tomorrow morning.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Seweasy...You're so aware and knowledgable about where you are at and where
you have come from. For me these were assets I had to find overtime in the rooms
of the Al-Anon Family Groups. As much as you aready know there is soooo much more
you can learn about yourself and the disease of enabling the addicted in spite of yourself
that are in the rooms. Your parents are both addicted and you have an addicted relation
ship...what a wakeup call for me when I was told that my relationship was a consequence
of how I was born and raised in the disease and that it was usual for me to make choices
that would keep me there.   "Choose one, Be one or both" was what I was told and then
I came to understand the ..."or both".   It isn't a moral issue or about weakness its about
a disease, cunning, powerful and baffling and fatal to boot if you don't get help.

I'm glad you got here and have taken the suggestion to get into the rooms. You don't
have to talk the payoff comes from listening with an open mind. That is where the help
comes from and listen for it at the end of the meeting.   Don't leave early and don't
leave scared. You will find love there just like you have found it here. Where love is
there is no fear.

(((((hugs))))) smile

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Seweasy,

Welcome!

I was very nervous about f2f meetings at first as well. I'm almost painfully shy. It took me almost a year to start talking in meetings. It was okay, though - as Jerry said, I took a huge amount away from just listening. Don't let not wanting to talk deter you. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. For me, I eventually realized that talking about what I felt gave my feelings less power to control me. I'm still shy and sometimes talking at meetings is still not fun for me - but I've come to realize that the people in the rooms know my story and it doesn't matter if I'm not an eloquent speaker or if I stammer or can't find the right words. They understand anyway.

I felt very bad for my ex when we first separated. I wanted the separation so bad and I was so relieved that my ex wasn't in the same house being drunk and causing trouble that I had to see anymore. On the other hand, I felt horribly guilty for being happy about it when he was clearly miserable, and I felt reponsible for the increase in his drinking after we split up, and I felt responsible for wanting to separate because I thought he wasn't going to be able to manage his own life. One of the first things I heard in Al Anon was that I didn't cause his alcoholism (so if he was unhappy or drank more, it wasn't a reflection of my actions - even if he blamed me - it was a reflection of his own choices), I couldn't control it (so I couldn't have managed his life for him even if I'd stayed in a relationship with him, and nothing I did or didn't do would've made him drink more or less because I didn't have as much power over him as I wanted to think I did), and I couldn't cure it (I couldn't make him stop drinking). It took me a while to understand and believe those things.

Feeling compassion for someone because they are sick with alcoholism or addiction is good. It's possible to feel compassion and not get sucked in to trying to solve the problem when it's not your problem to solve, though. Good for you for focusing on yourself. Keep coming back!

Happy New Year,

Summer

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

sew,
Welcome to the baord....so glad you found us. You are in the right place.

One of the things that I learned is that just because my soon to be ex "A" sneds me a text, I don't need to respond. Any text that he sends me that is not about our kids is to get a reaction from me. I am tired of the games and manipulation so I choose to take myself out of it.

I hope you find yourself some meetings. This program works. We all know the pain of loving someone with the disease of addiciton.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

seweasy · Member

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was check for this board. I think it helps a lot to hear that other people are in the same type of situations that I am in.
I am going to try a meeting at 10 around my area, there are actually quite a few but I have always put off actually going to one. I know I should be going because both my parents are addicts and now my ex bf of 5 years.
I'm nervous but also excited to maybe hear people who have similar stories. I will post again on my new face to face meetings experience.
Thanks again for the nice messages!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many hearty good wishes to you for being so energetic about your program! I hope your meeting goes well. It took me a while to find the right meetings for me. I remember one was so boring that I thought I was going to keel over, and in another one people told stories that were so unlike my experience that I just couldn't relate. (I think I'd be able to relate now, but at that time I thought people had to be just like me.) Then the next meeting I went to, I was so astonished at how warm and comforting and home-like it was. They were really so different and I'm so glad I didn't stop at the ones that weren't a great fit. They say go to six before you decide it's not for you.

What I love about meetings and these boards is that you really can see miracles in progress. It gives me such hope and such a lifting of the bad feelings that I'm the only one down in these dumps and that I'll be stuck in this place forever.

Keep coming back, and let us know how your meetings go.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

A or not it is always hard when a relationship dies.

From my experience, my A who had a horrible family, went to war, lost so many loved ones to death, he had enough pity for himself. He did not need mine. I learned to allow him the dignity to figure out "his" disease for himself. I am talking forty years of being in his life and he in mine.

They usually would rather we take care of ourselves so they don't have to feel guilty for dragging us down too. Hon being a friend for an A sadly, many times, means walking away. Allowing them to come to the realization they want to change for themselves.

I know if I wanted to change something, I have to do it for me to make it stick.

It was the hardest thing in the world for me to realize that making things easy for my A, made him sicker.My doing anything, I mean anything, finding rehabs, calling, taking him there, asking if he was going to his meeting, did he want a ride....I had to realize it is HIS disease not mine.

Sew, I loved this man to depth of my heart. Since I was 17. I tried to love other men but it was never right.

Now, I just feel nothing for him. I love the man he used to be. But he died a long time ago.

I am so glad you found us. There is so much support here. Look above, you might want to ask Canadian Guy about the book he has to give out. It is a loving service he has chosen to take on. This book helped me more than any other. Getting Them Sober.

Hey I am NOT kidding, people at meetings LOVE a newcomer, just like we love you for coming here! hugs,debilyn

seweasy · Member

Debilyn,
It felt really good to come on here today and read your post. I really just feel like I can have my own life back. I am now hanging out with my girlfriends again and doing what I want when I want.
When I as in relationship with my addict bf I was worrying about what he was going to do. I didn't really have friends when I was with him. I'm also a very active person and he brought me down because he became very lazy.
It's feels scary and sometimes lonely but I also feel independent for the first time.
I went to al anon meeting on Thursday and will try a couple other al anon meetings. I was also hearing some thing about codependency meetings and thought that would help me.
I want to be single and work on me and find my own hobbies, but when I do start dating again I know that I will learn to be weary of certain traits that I saw in my addict bf that I will never want in a new relationship.
Thanks for telling me about your situation it helped!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can give you my esh. I have learned not to read text messages that may be loaded. I know the pull of them and how hard it is to resist so I use the delete button. After I tell someone once or twice to stop texting to reply and read is breaking a boundary for myself. If I do not reply or make contact they do stop over time.

Maresie.

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