The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this website, and hope to gain a lot, and maybe help some too...
As an intro, here's my story...
Five years ago today I was independent, strong, and single. I was on a remote Pacific island studying butterflies; when the big tsunami hit the Pacific I had no idea, since we had no communications with the outside world. I'd sqeezed the trip in between car racing, sailboat racing, shooting competition, and partying like a madman. My life was full-speed-ahead non-stop action. I had the good life.
I was introduced to a lady at a professional function. She was gorgeous, strong willed, independent, and had a love of partying. Perfect fit?
Skip some details, but a bit over a year later we married and had a baby. To cut the story real short, I quit travelling, shooting, racing, and partying. She didn't change- the partying continued for her.
At first (before baby) I couldn't figure it out. We'd go out and pary our asses off. She'd get drunk (and so would I) and at the end of the night, I'd be ready to sleep, and she'd be roaring for sex. I had a fun time, and she was angry. She drank and became physically violent and mean (I used to hang out with militants in civil wars, I thought I'd seen it all). I thought each time it was an anomoly.
Over time, I found myself with the kids (stepson too) and she'd not come home. When she got home, she'd be drunk and angry. I didn't like this.
After a couple years of trying to appease her, my savings was gone, and my credit card racked up.
I tried everything. Once I overcame the denial, I tried reasoning. That didn't work. Once I figured out the denial, I tried to make her see what was going on- but that doesn't work with denial. I threatened to leave- "go ahead" she countered. I tried every dirty trick in the book, and none worked to make her come home and stop drinking. I was angry, hurt, and retaliatory.
About six months ago I went to my first Al Anon meeting to find a way to make her stop drinking. What a surprise I got! We don't fix the alcaholic, we fix me! I was sceptical.
Over months, I was able to learn the key components of Al Anon- it took time. I admitted that I was powerless over the disease(s) and quit trying to control her. My health, which had gone to hell, finally started to recover after 15 months. Only a few weeks ago was I finally able to let go, and let her do her thing. I had quit enabling her, and told her no more credit card charges, no more big vacations or dinners. I didn't bail her out when she didn't pay bills. And I started going out with friends again.
Last week over Christmas I wouldn't react when she tried to push my buttons. And that was the last straw for her. She could no longer abuse me, use me, or use my reactions as an excuse. Not surprisingly, she wrote to me and said she wanted to separate.
Just today, I told her I had been involved in Al Anon. No surprise, she responded that I was accusing her of being an alcaholic and embarrasing the family. I expected that.
So she's headed out for a long New Year's weekend. Says she's going to visit a girlfriend. Maybe, maybe not. It's not for me to worry. I'll be at home with our young "baby" with a clear head and conscience. I do miss her, and I am sad it's gone this way. But I'm working on me, and I can't do more for her. The disease(s) control her and God will take it in the direction it should go.
So that's me. I'm trying to rediscover me, and make a better me. I've a very sad tale, but it is what it is, and I make the best of it.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I too can identify.
It appears that you have learned your alanon lessons well and although it is a sad story you are taking care of yourself and your family.
I trusted alanon message many years ago . That message told me that if I keep coming back, working the program, the steps and slogans, I would find contentment even happiness. This program worked for me when all else failed.
Please keep coming back, sharing here and enriching my recovery.
Aloha CJ (see I'm in the Pacific) and you found my journal and added a couple of exciting things to it and "anomoly" is that where I had written in disease? You went and had the child and I went and had a vasectomy so that there would be no child born into our insanity. I have never gotten over that because it resulted in some physical life lasting pain. Program is good for that too. Sooo you've found out were we hang out helping ourselves and others to reach peace of mind and serenity while we are not at a face to face meeting...(just got back from one on the subject of choices) you would have loved it too!!
Honestly your story is yours and the similarities support recovery together. Don't forget to keep coming back here as this site is very well named. Sounds like you've already had some miracles. More are coming. (((((hugs)))))
CJ, Welcome to the MIP board. Really glad you found us.
My "A" husband and I split up for the final time in August/September. Our divorce will be final on 03/02/10. When I look at him now I see the disease and nothing else. All that was there of the man that I love is gone. Walking away from the marriage was a hard hard choice, but in the end I know it was right for me.
Keep coming back, this is a great place for healing.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Welcome CJ. I'm very new here myself but I can say that it helps, it works. Working on myself, sharing with the other folks on here and feeling all the love and support have made me feel saner and more hopeful than I have felt in a long, long time. Keep coming back, your situation (and you) will get better.
