Once the kid watching, now the adult denying - Al-Anon Family Group

wgredgray · Member

Once the kid watching, now the adult denying

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

that is really terrible, very hurtful, I hope you can find some meetings and get to them, I really think it would give you a lot of support as it might be easy to go into denial with such hurt going on. Welcome to this board.

wgredgray · Member

sad thing is, he really is doing everythign to pick up the pieces of his own life. I held his hand adn now feel like he should hold mine. that is just as selfish as he was.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Wgredgray

Welcome to Alanon and MIP.

You are correct you have been effected by the powerful disease of alcoholism and I am really glad you have reached out here for help.

Alanon has face to face meetings in your local area. Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

You are not alone and will find people who can hear you, hold your hand and love you until you learn to love yourself.

Looking forward to sharing your journey

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Where to start ? u already have by posting here , please find al anon meetings for yourself the sooner the better . you need support . Am sorry u found those papers and sorrier that u read them . I know your hurting Please get help for yourself NOW if u don't u will do this ag ain and again always hoping that this time it would be different , that is our insanity . * hugs * Louise

N8SMOM · Senior Member

I am so sorry you're going through this. Welcome to MIP - you have found a wonderful place with a great group of supportive friends.

I can only echo what the others have said - find a face-to-face meeting in your area. They were/are a life-saver for me. The meeting may not make sense at first, but keep going and eventually something will click. You will definitely want to check out more than one meeting (because they all have a different "style" to them) to find a meeting(s) that works best for you. I've found several meetings that work for me and wish I had time to go to all of them.

Good luck to you and congratulations on taking your first step by coming here (it's not an easy step to take). Keep coming back!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I dunno whether what you found would be exactly called a fourth step. I did a lot of snooping around on the ex A. I looked at his phone, looked at how many call she made, tried to track his movements. He didn't cheat on me with another female. He cheated with this time he spent with his friends, anyone he just met, and I was obsessed with the sense of loss and insecurity.

I would highly recommend you read Getting them Sober.

I know when I first came here the whole idea of disease evaded me. I felt like the ex A was doing so much just to hurt me.

The symptoms of alcoholism are long and complex for some people they include lying, for others living entirely in fantasy. I do believe personally that many an alcoholic has to maintain a level of fantasy in order to keep up their behaviors and the idea that another drink won't hurt them. After all you'd have to be living in fantasy to grasp that!

I lived in a lot of agony with the ex A. I felt my whole life was always in his hands. I would be absolutely totally devastated by his staying out all night, getting drunk, crashing the car, seemingly to prefer others to me. I learned to detach. Detachment is such a great great skill. You can do that. Takes some practice but this skill can really help you.

Another thing I did and it was very very hard was to stop snooping on the ex A. I stopped looking at his phone, I stopped totting up the hours he was away. I stopped paying such minute attention to that. I know also personally how incredibly hard that was for me. I can't tell you enough how rewarding that proved to be. I stopped feeling worthless and I lessened a great deal of dependency on him.

I'm glad you are here.
Maresie.

wgredgray · Member

Well I went to a face to face meeting. I am so sorry that I read them. I have always been the girl that sat back and watched others destroy there own lives and not quite aware that in the process I was destroying mine...

CJ recovery · Veteran Member

You begin to pick up the pieces the only place you can- with you.

I've gone through a similar situation, and I cannot control the other person. I can only ask what I want, and what I deserve. If it's more than the other can offer, I get out. It hurts, but in the long run It's only me that can suffer or improve. My choice.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Hi W )))

I am so glad you did get to the meeting. It appears that you have started on your recovery.

I am really impressed with the insight that you expressed. That by sitting back watching others destroying their lives we are destroying ours in the process.
Wow thanks for that view .

As far as having read the papers written by your boyfriend. You did the best you could before learning Alanon tools. Now that you have learned a new way you can do better. After a very similar situation I resolved to never read other peoples private information and to this day it is one of the most important principles that I live by.

Please keep coming back

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.