Thoughts on My Anniversary


Just as today is the first day of Summer filled with bright sunshine my heart is filled with a new brightness and joy, that I thought would never exist again.

Today is my Al-Anon anniversary. Two years in this Program. All I can say it is truly a magical program. It has changed a crazy chaotic woman into a more mature woman, full of serenity and peace, God and love like I have never known.

Over five years ago my hubby fell into the depths of depression at the loss of his family. His dad was gone and his mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. His remaining aunt had just died from the disease. He had never experience this kind of close loss , like I had. I had lost many close people early in life, and it continued throughout my life. Grief and sorrow were part of my way of life. For me death was not a new friend . It was a haunting feeling that was always around the next corner. It was a time to cry, and to rejoice in the memories of those who were gone. It was a time for family. It was a time for support from those who you love. It was a time for expression and communication of your deepest inner feelings.

For my husband there was no communication. There was no expression of grief. There was only the pain, sorrow and loss growing in his soul. For him there was only one escape .... To numb himself to the reality of the world via his new friend ... Cocaine.

It came into my world like an unwelcomed monster. Changing a soft spoken, mild mannered man into a cold distant person. My life was filled with chaos and unmanageability and mostly fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what would be. Fear if there would be any future. Would the demon drug win the heart and soul of the one I loved and cherished. The father of my children, the only man to share my life and my bed. Would my life be destroyed forever?

I made up my mind that this demon was not going to take the one most precious thing in my life away. I was ready to wage war on the enemy using whatever methods necessary. I was going to "fix" this situation. I was in charge and I was going to have my way. Little did I know, God had a different plan.

After his admission to being addict to his drug of choice, I immediately urged him to go into rehab. (My choice, not his). He valiantly tried to get clean, but his attempt failed miserably. There was something lacking, something missing from his (and my) soul. The strength and the power of God.

Neither of us were religious (being in a mixed marriage), God was put on a back burner for so many years. It was a taboo subject. Never being able to vent the desire to reach out for that Supreme Power. Our spiritual sides died a long time ago.

After the outpatient rehab fiasco failed, we tried something different. He found CA (Cocaine Anonymous) and I found Al-Anon.

For me, Al-Anon gave me hope. Hope that I could live with an addict. Hope that my life would go on. It gave me the tools that I needed to survive. It gave me the hope for serenity and peace in a world filled with chaos. It gave me back the missing ingredient in my life .... God.

Al-Anon slowly put my life back into order. Not by "fixing" the addict but by "fixing" me and helping me see all the wreckage that I was dragging around with me for so long. It gave me the opportunity to forgive all those from the past , a chance to release all the guilt , fears and resentments that I was carrying with me.

Both of us committed ourselves to this new way of life. To learn how to be human. To put God and others in front of our needs. It taught us both how to communicate, both with our Higher Power and with each other. It brought us closer, both as friends and as man and wife. It gave me the strength and the courage to go on. It made me more aware of my surroundings and my actions. It taught me how to respond instead of reacting. It taught me how to detach in times of turmoil instead of flying off the handle. It gave me peace.

Most certainly, there were bumps in the road, relapses and set backs along the way, but we now had God to help us through. All I had to do is call on Him for His guidance and listen for the answer.

This past weekend we attended a wedding, hubby's cousin's son. As I sat in church and listened to the priest, my heart was filled with contentment and love, unknown to me to this depths and breath. I watched as the bride and groom united their candles to form one flame. The priest spoke of how woman was created from the rib of man and that she is neither above him nor below. But created as an equal to walk side by side with man. Each supporting each other.

Seeing a newly married couple join in this union it was as though God looked down and those words were meant for me. This Program has given me a new lease on life with a clean slate and a fresh start for the next 25 years. For that I will have everlasting gratitude.

Love & God Bless

lildee