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Well, the A went to his dad and his dad turned down the rehab- stating he needed to get over his addiction on his own- go figure. So the A calls me in the middle of the night telling me he fears he will die without rehab soon. So today I call the rehab and have his mom call the rehab. I spoke with his mom tonight and I think she is gonna talk to his dad tomorrow. My therapist advised me today to detach. It's just hard because I want to do right by the father of my child when he is asking for help, but I also know that when and if he does get help he will not look back- that is look back at me. When he was on top he never cared what I was doing. My ego and self-esteem are so tied to this man and why he will now choose ANYONE or NOONE over me and that when he is on top that he would certainly think he deserves better. Well, at least that is what I am projecting. I feel such hurt and resentment and anger. Yet, I certainly don't want him to die and if I could play any part in helping him recover I want to step up for that as well. Input?? By the way, did I mention how great it is to be back?? haha. :)
Its good to have you back home also Code...An anagram for ego is Easing God Out. The opposite is Offering God Entry...don't get in the middle twix him and his HP it will make you more insane. There are millions in the AA fellowship that can help him. Simplest... just give him the number to AA central in your area and then let go again. Its the best you can do with what you have. Take care of your own hurt and resentment and anger and then you might be in better health to help another person into Al-Anon.
I might be way. . . . out in left field here. So take this with a grain of salt:
Your situation reminds me of one that I have had to face for the past 3 weeks. I have a brother who was put in jail for terrorizing his ex-girlfriend. Many family members felt that I should call my father and step mother to plead with them to post bail. Given his history of behavior which I won't go into here..... I thought it best to not try to talk them into putting up the money even though they can well afford it. Because my brother has does the crime countless times for the past 9 years and finally his ex called 911 because she truly thought he'd break her door down this time and kill her.
My brother was not let out of jail until after two weeks. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever experience, knowing where he was and under the conditions he was placed. But I kept thinking, "he" needs to find a way out of the hell he got himself into. He is 50 years old and for that many years, our mother and a very affluent cousin has bailed him out countless times. (I don't mean literally bail him out; I mean they helped him financially every time he overspent.)
For two and half long weeks, I stayed out of it. My parents would call and I'd give no opinions. Kept saying "Talk to ____________ (brother's name) not me."
My brother finally called our father and spoke to him; he lives out of state. My brother reached out to him, not me. In the past, I'd call dad, not him. Well, I'm no longer the go-between any longer. They want a relationship, they will have to mend the fence themselves. My brother asked for his help and also told him that he was about to throw in the towel. Now, grant you my step mother is all bent out of shape because our father is willing to pay his back rent so he will have a place to stay. It's not my place to judge if he is helping or enabling.
By the way, I learned from talking to his ex-girlfriend that my brother spent his two weeks in jail thinking about all his horrible choices and behaviors. In the past, he'd commit his little crimes of violence, and then go home a smoke a joint or take prescription drugs to numb his feelings.
Bottom line: my brother finally realized that no one was going to do it for him (call our parents) and he made the call. I stayed out of the middle. Not easy. But I looked at the situation as if I were a bystander and decided to not get involved, for it was not my problem, even though he is my brother.
Might sound really, really harsh to those who don't know the whole story, or who don't believe that each of us has what it takes to pull ourselves up from the boot straps. (Okay, I will say that there are times when others do have to step in; this wasn't one of the times, however.)
Please, I might be way out in left field when it comes to your particular situation. So don't get offended. My experience is offered in the spirit of trying to shed some light.
Take care, GailMichelle
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 28th of December 2009 09:55:29 PM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Well, the first thing that I see is that you want to play a part in his recovery. Sorry, but that is not your business. A's really like to play the"I'm gonna die if I don't get......." card, but that is usually just another hook to keep you jumping. Of course their life is in danger from this disease, but that has nothing to do with rehab. Honestly, if he is still playing those kind of manipulation games, he is not serious and rehab is probably a waste of money. AA is cheaper and in MY OPINION more realistically successful. Not that rehab doesn't work for some, but dollar for dollar, it just doesn't add up and i have seen lots of A's talk people into paying for rehab time after time and nothing come of it except that a family member is left broke.
If he wants to get better, AA is there. All he has to do is make the call and there are a hundred friends waiting to go to the end of the earth to help him, as long as he is serious.
Now, to get the focus back on you where it really belongs. Do you have a sponsor? Are you getting to meetings regularly? Are you working steps? My obsession with my AH was relieved when I started working steps diligently. I had lots of issues with self esteem and abandonment that I needed to address and that is why I was so obsessed with my AH and his every move.
I had to learn that all my efforts to help him were not helping him or me. They were interfering and making me crazy.
Step 1- We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (and people, and events, and ourselves sometimes) and that our lives had become unmanageable.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
