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I think he's drunk. But the sick part is that I can't even confirm it. I think I smell it, his behavior is not normal, and he's doing things that he would normally do if he had been drinking (smoking too much, using the bathroom a lot, "falling asleep" while playing a computer game). As al anon has taught me, I shouldn't focus on things like this. However, I told him he had 30 days to get his 'xxxx' together or get out. That was at the beginning of the month. If he has been drinking, he obviously doesn't have it together. So, how do I know?
I'm just so sick of this. I'm tired, frustrated, angry, and so hurt. I want so badly for him to be a healthy individual and to be in a normal loving relationship with me.
I don't know what to do. Someone please shed some light for me.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 28th of December 2009 11:41:43 PM
I guess the question is: did you give him an ultimatum as a bluff to try to force him into doing what you wanted, or did you give him an ultimatum because you had decided that you couldn't take this life any more and you had to take care of yourself by separating? If it was the first, this is sure a sign that you can't cure it, you can't control it. If it's the second, has anything about the situation changed since you decided you would be better off separated from the chaos?
If you choose to ignore the ultimatum, of course, he will know that he is free to do what he wants without fear of consequence. Which is probably what his situation is already.
I think the thing is that ultimatums are really for us, not for them. So if taking that action would help, you should help yourself. If it would harm, then not.
Hmmm, in my experience, if I have to ask, he probably is. But, the issue here is really not is he or isn't he. It's, is your boundary enforcable. You said get your 'xxxx' together or get out. That's not only pretty vague, but it sets you up to be the enforcer. Not where you need to be.
So, what to do next? Well, I decided a long tome ago to look at it this way. It really doesn't matter of he is drinking or not. If he is chain smoking, falling asleep at weird moments, acting like an active A, then I have a choice, put up with him or not. The fact is that A's act like A's until they get serious about recovery and learn to change, just like we do.
I had told my AH a long time ago that I had to see some kind of progress. That was a boundary I could stick to without getting overly involved in his program. I could just look at his behavior and ask myself is there some kind of progress? If so, is it enough for me to hang on another day? If so, then I could let it go. If not, then I could make my plan b and do whatever I needed to do.
I think this worked for me because I could make the periodic evaluation without a bunch of obsessing and getting into his junk. It was a kind of quick and I could stay somewhat detached from him at the same time as I was taking care of myself.
Hope this helps somehow.
In recovery,
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 28th of December 2009 11:42:19 PM
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I was just remembering how I learned that my spouse was an alcoholic which also got me out of denial. LOL He told me that if it walked like a duck, quacked like a duck and looked like a duck chances are it was a duck!! Quack!! I got it and accepted my spouse as an alcoholic without all the investigation and what iffn and so. When I got that I went on to the next question...What is my part in it and what do I do about it (myself).
Keep coming back was one of the most valuable suggestions for me then and I did.
I gave the ex A many a ultimatum. None of them worked. For me change came when I started detaching.
When I started detaching I started focusing on me and not so much on him. Then I started to be able to make plans that didn't necessarily include him. When I had those plans I could realistically think of life without him.
I was merged with the ex A. When he was up so was I. When he was down I was devastated. I felt it was my life purpose to monitor him.
