"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

supermom · Veteran Member

when does unacceptable behavior change?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I've felt the way you do. My recovering AH often leaves me with the kids while he goes to the gym, does service work, goes to meetings, goes to school, etc. Like you, some of it I recognize is necessary. I'd rather not see him while he goes to meetings and does service work, if the alternative is seeing him a whole lot more but having him be drunk and not functioning.

There have been many times on weekends where he was not doing anything AA related, and had said he was going to spend the weekend with me and the kids and then gone out and done his own thing - golf, gym, etc. At first I was angry/sad, but silently. I didn't tell him I was annoyed, I just let myself get to the place where I was grumbling under my breath about how inconsiderate he was, how he never considers that I might want to go do something by myself while he watches the kids, etc. Basically, I think my complaint in its purest form was that he wasn't a mind reader and didn't say, "Hey, honey, is there something you want to do while I stay home with the kids?" I got very resentful that he didn't ask because I thought he should.

I don't remember why, but it occurred to me that I hadn't ever just asked him for what I wanted. So one time when he said that he was going to go to the gym, I said, "Okay, and when you get back, I would really like to have an hour to myself to go shopping." He was perfectly happy to make the exchange.

Occasionally we still have an issue to work out when he forgets about a meeting I said i wanted to go to and schedules service work or something. It happens.

All this is just to say that coming right out and asking for what I wanted worked. Sitting there wishing for him to notice that I never had an hour to myself only made me angry (and occasionally when I stayed quiet too long and let it build up, I'd let him have it for being gone so often). I'm not sure if you've come right out and asked him to watch the kids while you get out for a while or come right out and asked him to be part of something you want to do as a family, but being forthcoming about my needs worked for me. We have a much more even exchange these days, and I feel much better.

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

supermom,
White Rabbit said it all for me, but she put it a tad more tactful that I would have biggrin

.

Your hub is not a mind reader hun and you should express your needs to him. Now what he chooses to do or not do with that information is up to him. But you are not taking care of you by not saying anything.

I got so tired of coming home from a long day to take care of the kids to hear him say he had a long day (no job) and needed to relax next door (where there was pot). I would see the house a mess, dinner needing to be fixed and me just wanting to relax for like 10 minutes. I lost it on him went totally nuts and he asked why didn't I just ask for him to stay with the kids. Now since I was yelling and screaming like a lunatic and he calmly asks me that queston who do you think was the rational looking one?

Even though he and I are no longer together I use this with my kids. I tell them I need some time. It could be just some time on the phone to call my sponsor, 30 minutes in the shower, taking a much needed nap or going out and leaving them with a sitter. The point is I am taking care of me.

Glad you are here and I hope you get some time for you soon.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Usually there are AA meetings where both can go together and you can share. You could share then what you just shared with us.

If they are truly on a program of recovery, they will change those things that they know are important.

Have you spoken to him about needing some help? I don't mean,"I need help." Men need to know exactly what you need.

Like honey how do you feel about takeing the kids for two hours a day so I can get away or just rest?

Be specific. Or even say you would like him to wash some cloths and fold them on tuesday. or whatever.

Invite him in to be a part of you all.

Also to me it was so fun when all of us just went to a park or to get ice cream or feed the ducks somewhere as a family.

But you need YOU time too. We gotta ask for what we need and teach others how to treat us.

hugs,debilyn

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I was there with ya about 2 years ago. It was hard to let go of the idea that if he loved me he'd know what to do. My husband is an addict. His parents are alcoholics. I finally asked myself, just exactly where in the world did I think he might have learned (in his life being raised by a family full of sniping, lying, alcoholics) to think about what his wife might need or want? When exactly did he learn to read minds? Ha ha ha! That's when I realised how rediculous my expectations of him were. And there I was again letting expectations get me into resentment.

That's when I realised, too, that I was not being honest with him or me. I needed to be direct and specific about how I felt, what I needed and wanted, and ask him if I wanted his participation in something. And then let go of my expectations about how he might react to said request. If he wanted to comply or work it out then great, if he wanted to be a jerk about it, well, then there was something else to think about. But either way I could not control him. I can only be honest and let him be responsible for his actions and reactions.

So to answer your question, unacceptable behavior changes when we and they are honestly working our program. If one is not, the behavior will probably not change.

Of course this is all just my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest, or save it for later. LOL

In recovery,

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

My two cents - sometimes, A's are hanging onto their sobriety with everything they have, particularly new in their sobriety..... with time, they (hopefully) come around some, and reintegrate themselves within the family and life itself.... I agree that it is frustrating and hard, but he may be giving you "all he can" right now....

It is one of the many reasons that we learn to be "not very tolerant" of relapses, over time.... If we end up cutting them (more) slack while they are sober, they will often want this same respect even when they are drinking.... tough call, as always...

Take care
Tom

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the suggestions that has worked for me is to set the "me time" up ahead of time
and let the other person know that their support would be appreciated and I hung on to
the "me time" plan and followed thru with it. Didn't ask...told. Try practicing that and
see how it works out for you. ((((hugs)))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I like around albeit practising alcoholics and addicts. i really do believe now that self absorption and self centeredness is actually part of their disease. Many of us have really big expectations of an alcoholic in recovery. We want them to recover now right this minute. I do think the self absorption probably takes a while to go away. Someone has to be willing to see otherwise.

I know for sure when I lived with a practising addict he could not conceive what I was talking about when I pointed out his self centeredness.

Learning all you can about alcoholism and looking at expectations particularly in early recovery is a hard graft when you are right there in it. I'm neighbors to someone now who is a very very active downward spiral alcoholic. Nevertheless there are times when I absolutely lose it with her behavior. Being neighbors is different from being in a parenting relationship. Detaching is hard won when you are left with everything to do.

I really highly recommend the work of Toby Rice Drew. Toby has some very very specific suggestions of what to expect in early recovery. The writing style is not judgemental and compassionate and very very specific.

Maresie.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It changes when you say enough . This is a very selfish disease drinking or not , and alot of A assume that because they are sober were ok . well were not .
You can speak up and ask him to watch the kids one nite so so u can attend meetings for yourself the worst thing that could happen is he would say NO . If that is the case go to plan B . Perhaps u have access to a baby sitter for a hr or so Your worth the effort again waiting for anyone to see that we are hurting is a waste of time . Your recovery is up to you .
As tom says sometimes all a alcoholic can do is just not drink , and his meetings are keeping him sober , but remember you count too.
By your silence he is assuming that what he is doing is okay with you , time to speak up and ask for what u need . Sweep up those egg shells , and remember that nothing u do or say will cause him to drink again , were simply not that powerful . good luck Louise

supermom · Veteran Member

I just wanted to say thanks for your help and your encouraging words. I am slowly learning to stand up for myself and to ask for what I need. I am so thankful that I found Al Anon and this message board! I am looking forward to a great new year!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"