being realistic - Al-Anon Family Group

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

being realistic

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow this is great progress! Good for you!

I remember when I had been here a long time, my AH was home for a month or more. I just did not think about him using or not. He is an A and whatever he does, he does.

Learned to enjoy just his body being there,as he was the "other guy" when he used.
Him having mpd it was pretty weird. But alanon really helped me to relax, be me and accept him however he was.

Then he would get abusive physically and out the door he would go. Then back to mommys to use.

I guess my point is pineapple, mmmm I love that fruit, for me learning he was A I did not think about if he used or not. Just did not matter. He is who he is, he will do what he does.

I will admit it was a stab in the heart sometimes when things were pretty nice then something vile came out of his mouth from nowhere.

For awhile I would have given anything just to have him back here no matter what.

But that was long ago. Now he is nothing to me. nothing. not even a twinge of love or anything.

If he gets real sick I will still honor my choice to take care of him if I need to. The reason being this man was a good man who served in the USAF for four years for us in Viet Nam. He was an excellent builder and remodeler. He could make a guitar sing like no one else. Would have given anybody anything they needed.

The disease killed that kid, man, middle aged man to now old man I grew up with. It is my choice to honor the good he did do.

Anyway, glad you are getting to those meetings. love,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that there is a right or wrong way to handle drinking. We can learn new tools certainly. I no longer over react when my neighbors are using. I no longer take it personaly but I'd have to say their actions affect me, annoy me tremendously and test me a great deal. I can't say that I simply shrug it off. I don't permit it to rule me anymore.

We all do the best we can. I know I am sick and tired of being around alcoholics and I limit my interactions with people who drink substantially. Can I free myself of them entirely not yet. I have had bosses who were alcoholic, co workers, neighbors and more. I no longer have friends who are alcoholic but I have to hold to a tight ship to do that. I let go when I meet people who are like that. Letting go wasn't possible before.

I'm glad you are here. Be kind to yourself. I lived with a binger for years. His binges eventually became all the time. I cherished the moments when he appeared sane. Now I realise he was never really "sober" as he had no program and no interntion of ever stopping using.

Maresie.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Pineapple,

It does my heart good to see someone who has been in the program only 5 days grasp, and accept as much of the program as you have in that short period of time. Like the slogan states, "It works if you work it". Good for you. Keep coming back. Keep attending online meetings. Keep taking care of yourself first. It only gets better. You should be very proud of yourself.

HUGS,
RLC

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everybody. I guess my first tiny bit of progress came a week ago when we had a date with some friends at their house. When it was time to go there, A was drunk. I was SO angry, I'd been looking forward to this and for reasons too long to go into, couldn't go by myself that day. I called our hostess and instead of making up some excuse (as I have the many times this has happened in the past) I told her the truth why we wouldn´t be there. I decided right then that I would no longer lie or ¨cover up¨ for him. That felt good to me even though I was still angry and sad. I started doing some research online and found this place. I do feel like I'm starting (and only starting) to ¨get it¨. But I guess the real test will come the next time my A gets drunk or goes on a bing. I'm pretty sure I'll still feel angy and sad but at least maybe I won't feel alone and helpless anymore.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi again , your post was dejavue for me , I said much the same t hing several yrs ago , *he will drink again * and a woman came up to me after the meeting and reminded me that my attitude would come thru to my husband and reminded me that it was not much incentive to stay sober . I was not impressed to say the least .
She also asked me what kind of shape I was going to be in if this was his last drink ? that was food for thought .
One of the most profound things i heard here was from a friend who s husb slipped after several yrs of sobriety , instead of doing the * how could u do this to us * routine , she simply said to h im that she was sorry he kept doing this to (himself ), her husb said that when she said that he knew he was in deep doo doo , she was not going down with him again and he knew he was on his own . she told me she had no idea where those words came from , she also shared that she went into the bathroom steped into the shower fully dressed and cried , but not in front of him .
this is his trip leave it with him . good luck Louise

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

uno a way to look at it is, when he is not using he is in remission. When he does its back. Just like cancer. it is a disease, is not his fault

So how can one be mad at someone for a horrible disease that they have?

hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.