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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I'm back and while so much as changed so much still the same.
Post Info TOPIC: I'm back and while so much as changed so much still the same.
Codependent


Senior Member

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Posts: 217
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I'm back and while so much as changed so much still the same.
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It has been quite a while since I wrote last.  The holidays seem to be really hard on me.  It brings out my loneliness as, yes, I am still alone.  Well, I say that but my little boy is 5 now and the joy of my life.  My sister and her family still live with me as well.  The A in my life is still around.  We have contact then blow up and cut it off,etc.  He sees his/my son on Tuesdays with his mom.  He still uses his DOC which is oxycontin via needle.  We are still "friends" with me still having affection for him and wanting more and him still seeing me as someone always there for him and often a means to an end I believe.  Even when he is nice to me it never seems to be enough for me as I still long for that romantic connection esp now at the holidays and that causes me anger at him and sadness as well as sel-esteem issues with myself.  The latest is that I have found him a rehab in Florida that he wants to go to.  He does talk about WANTING to go to rehab alot now.  Talks about WANTING to be clean and starting over.  His dad would have to fund it as it is expensive and is not sold on the idea preferring instead for the A to "do it himself" on an "outpatient" basis.  The A's mom sees the need, but none seem to see it as urgently as I do- as always fearing his death is right around the corner.  As always, wondering why he doesn't want me the way I want him- in the sexual sense- when he chooses those who- no offense- who are so lackluster.  Wondering why he seems to find it so hard to even sit next to me on the couch and wondering why I still crave his approval and affection so badly.  Anyway, just wanted to say that I am back and wanted to say Thank You So Much for Still Being Here!!!  I love you Guys!!!
Amy

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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I hope you keep coming back Amy. Miss your posts! Sometimes our jouney is very long and we learn as we do.

Maybe you are still facing all the truths of the disease. I remember feeling as you. Just wanting a tiny bit of affection.

Where I learned he is not even thinking about it. I don't know if you have ever been on pain med, but I know for me, it dulls everything. I have not thought to want affection or give it.

It is not you. I am so sorry. I really am. That feeling is so sad!

Yes if he really wants to go to that rehab, he will go to his dad himself. You have done the footwork, now it is totally up to him. This is where I always let it go. Remember too rehab is just part of the process. Some have to go many many times. But every time they learn more and more and get some clean time.

Some never have to go back again!

We just cannot be a part of it with out it eating us up. Mine would finally go, detox then they would not have a bed and send him back home to wait for a bed. plain stupid.

Anyway glad you are here. AND NO you are not alone. I do my best dear to tell myself when I feel alone that I have HP watching me every moment. Because I really am alone with no companianship at all.

so glad to see ya. debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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I spent a lot of time worrying the ex A's death was around the corner.  I imagined how I would feel.  Of course what I wasn't dealing with was my own health was about kaput.  I didn't go to the doctor.  I ended up hospitalized twice while I lived with him.  Both times I  need not have been hospitalized at all because I had neglected myself.  I let illnesses go because I was incredibly depressed.

My whole life used to hinge around the ex A.  I tracked him, I called him multiple times a day.  I worried endlessly what he would do next.

I felt that I was totally involved in his life and he was absolutely uninvolved in mine.  I knew so very little about alcoholism.  This weekend I had the chance to listen to (its an audiobook) a memoir of a now recoverying alcoholic/addict.  I learned that the self absorption and chronic lying, self destruction are part of the diease.  I took all those symptoms so very personally and felt they were absolutely directed at me.  How I suffered so unnecessarily.

I hope you will give yourself some time to look at tools of recovery in al anon, detaching is such such hard work. Setting boundaires is so hard when your boundaires have been ravaged.  We can all do that.  We can practice.  Start with the samll boundary move up.  Detaching can help you to get to a place where you can give the alcoholic to God.   For me personally I see  the ex A now as someone separate from me.  For whatever reason he escaped death several times a day.  I do not know the reason why and I stopped trying to wonder.  I do know that I was in no way responsible for his actions, whatever he said, he did, however much I needed him I was no longer responsible for him.

I hope you will find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Maresie.

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maresie
jasobel


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 63
Date:
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Dear Amy - I too have been away for a while, but glad I am finally back. I too have been through hell with my ex A and we are still trying to be friends. I too miss our sexual connection and don't know why he would rather have it with someone else. I too crave his approve and affection despite the fact he left me 3 times in the past year and now he is with someone else. Meetings really hellp me, although I just recently went back. Its so  hard for me to get to them as I too am a single mom -but when I do and I hear what others are going through it puts my life in perspective and I don't feel so alone - like it is my fault he has "puked on me". So I am starting to date again - see what other guys are out there. I finally got a sponsor because I realized I needed help. I hit such rock bottom with him coming and going I felt like the alcoholic who needed rehab! If I don't commit to the alanon program I realized I probably wouldn't make it - nothing else helped me.

I just wanted to write to let you know you aren't alone. Everyday I struggle with missing him, just wanting some closeness with him even for 20 minutes. Everyday he pushes me further and further away.

I felt so alone - so know you aren't alone

Jill



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