Leaving the A - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Leaving the A

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn: Are you implying that you would have him leave or you would leave if you could be able to manage life without him? It's probably my sinus congestion messing up my ability to comprehend what I read tonight.

Dave: I understand being scare about the future. I stayed in my marriage for so long because of the unknown (the future). But one day, I looked at the known (the past) and decided to look at the future differently.

I don't know how I'll manage on my own. But I see my future full of possiblities now.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for sharing the view from your directions. What a great thread this turned out to be.

Personally, I think we stay until we are ready to leave. Then we go and that is that. That is what I did. My AH and I did not divorce and he is sober now, but 2 years ago last August, I made made him leave and I was ready to make it permanent, but I took the program to heart and took it slow and steady. I made some good moves to separate our finances to protect myself. I worked at detachment and worked on myself hard. And I told him we would stay separated for at least a year. I told him I could not save him and would not let him take me and the kids down with him. I made plans to go back to work myself.

As it turned out, I did not need to go back to work. We have a business together, and I told him that if he did not start bringing me my share to support this family that I would quit. I would not work for a business that would not put food on the table or pay the bills.

Somewhere in that time period something happened to him. It was not me. I was taking care of myself. I did not have time or energy to try any more manipulations on him to get him to stop. I gave that up. I got out of the way, and something happened. He must have hit bottom. He now has, let me think, well his sober date is August 27, 2 yrs ago, so that would be 28 months, I think.

He started bring me half of the money he made, which at the time wasn't much as he could barely work a couple of hours a day, but it started to pay the bills, so I did not seek divorce, I waited to see what would happen. Slowly he started to get better. I continued to work on me and leave him to work on him. After a bit we started working on us. Almost a year later he moved back onto the property into a travel trailer. I was not ready to have him in the house and there were still some things that needed to be addressed. A few months later when those things had been addressed he moved back in. It was a long, slow, hard road, but it has worked out for us.

I was ready to work on me and figure out what I needed. I held tight to my boundaries. I refused to feel sorry for him or stroke his ego. I learned to be compassionate instead. I was just ready to make a break from this disease. I am grateful that he did too, but it would not have mattered if he didn't. I was done.

So that is my view, a bit different, but much the same.

In recovery,

MaryPoppins · Veteran Member

It is a sad thing, but what it boiled down to for me was pros and cons.

I literally made a pro and con list about what my A did for me.

After years alone, as a divorced Mom, I knew well what life is like without a man in my life. I have done it all, shoveled snow, mowed the lawn, took out the garbage, learned to do basic home repairs, bring in the groceries, get out the flashlight and check on things that go bump in the night, keep busy to deal with lonliness, and work hard to make enough money on my own to pay the bills. I took pride on making a real home for myself and my daughter, without needing a man to give me the incentive to do so.

Since I have done it all ALONE it has come down to the fact that any help at all that the A gives me is welcome. My A offers no emotional support, but he works and pays well more than his share of the bills. He is not physically abusive, and often not emotionally abusive, if he is guilty of anything, it would be neglect.

Since he doesn't break the law, is no longer drinking, works and pays bills, shovels the driveway and mows the lawn and takes out the garbage, at this time his usefulness outweighs his faults. If he were to become phsysically abusive, abuse illegal substances and so break the law, or bring any person of ill repute into my home, I would have to reassess.

I am sorry if this sounds selfish, but it is truthful and honest. I see nothing wrong with looking for the silver lining in a troubled marriage. Not even A's are all bad, LOL, and of course as long as we are married I still hold out hope one dayhewill recover enough to begin to work on having a real marriage, as in a loving supportive give and tak relationship.

I am glad I did not throw in the towel when things were at their worse. I have read that family support is CRUCIAL to an addict getting well and sober, they need strong motivation to keep up the good fight to stay sober, sometimes a loving family is all they have left in their life. I NEVER dreamed my A would stop drinking cold turkey, but he has, it is a little over a year now without a single drop. He says now that he is glad I stayed with him to "show him the way" as in finding happiness in life totally sober.

We all know they should love themselves enough to do it just for them, but sometimes they need the strength and comfort of their family's love for them until they can recover enough to learn to love themselves.

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Actually (well, I am English - we're always saying "actually"!) many people have told me I should leave my AH. It's one of those things which is very easily said (especially by those not involved) and very difficult to do. I have been married for 38 years - so a vestige of love left but he has systematically destroyed most of it. He is a sick man and has nowhere to go - not easy to simply throw him out on the street. I am the only one earning so legally I would have to support him financially. I simply cannot afford to run two homes. I also support our learning disabled son who lives with us at home. I admit I do get irritated by other people thinking they know what's best and imply it must be the easiest thing in the world to just walk out - or chuck him out. They get irritated that I won't do what they think is best for me!

Follow your heart, Debilyn, only you know what is best and what is the most practical solution for you.

((((hugs)))))

Tish xx

-- Edited by Tattyhead on Sunday 27th of December 2009 01:21:41 PM

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Tattyhead, That is why I love this program. There is nobody telling me to throw him out, leave, "but he loves you" etc. I had all of that and more. It is frustrating to try to talk to someone outside the program when you just want to be heard, not have that someone try to solve all your problems. I do not do that anymore. I call program friends for support and leave the others out of it. Keeps my serenity intact.

In recovery,

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

i know it was incredibly difficult for me to leave the ex A. I felt responsible for him, I felt angry at him, I felt fused with him. Leaving has taken me a long long time.

I know being around an alcoholic isolated me. The cumulation of his self destruction and my over reaction to it meant I was not exactly popular.

I had to really be willing to get help and I found it here. I had to ask and that was so very hard for me. I'm still asking, I'm still feeling lost some days but I do not regret leaving at all.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

lol NOOOOO I was playing reversies.

I am very happy, been alone a long time and am in the process of a divorce with no pain because I am ready.

I was sitting here putting myself in the place of someone else who had an AH, and was dependant on him.

I am not in that place at all. Never have been.

Thinking about how if he was here, and he had his name on everything and I had no income, how very hard it would be to leave! thinking about how others might feel.

I made sure I would be ok when we bought this place. Has a rental on it. Plus I have PERS and SSD. I also rent out pasture for horses and a plot to a cute couple who have a few animals and they are helpers for me!

When he did have to leave, he was so abusive from the brain damage from brain surgery I had him go.

But I had to fight by a thread not to lose my home. I lived in a tiny sun room on the end of my barn. NO way was I letting go. Lost my new wrangler Jeep. For awhile had NO vehicle.

BUT some women would not have the options I do or did!

To imagine sitting here with no income of my own, disabled and hurting, loving my home and animals, and having an A I depended on, geez that would be so scarey!

Wow you guys have some GREAT responses!

If my AH had not been abusive I would not have told him to leave. But then he did his share of leaving to go to mommys to drink....ah nuts.

hugs, lol,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn: Thanks for clearing that up! LOL I'm laughing at myself, too! From reading your prior posts, I thought you weren't living with him. Plus, I have had a stuffed up head, due to a cold for a week; it's difficult to think!

It sounds as though you are in a fairly good situation. Land. Animals. Must be wonderful. Don't blame you for not wanting to give that up!

I'm in the midst of a divorce (I think). However, my husband is forced to retire since he license was suspended last month for a year (2nd DUI, involving a minor collision). So I will be earning more than him, which could mean spousal support. I can't offord that! I truly can't. To keep my current job, I must complete 6 more courses of study at $1,500 a pop. So there is no way I can' pay spousal support and continue my education. No completed education = no future employment + benefits + increase salary. I'm waiting for the attorney to look over my finances and his to tell me what is feasible at this point.

I TRULY would love a miracle to happen: that is, he is WILLING to put sobriety before anything else. I don't want a divorce. The man is great when not under the influence. My concern, and it's a valid one, is that he continues to drink, gets another DUI, injuries/kills someone, gets thrown in prison, and I am in financial ruins. Plus, even if I would not be totaled financially, I don't want it on my conscience that I enabled him to continue drinking and he involves others in another DUI. I feel by letting him stay here at home, it's like saying, "It's okay to drink and drive, honey."

Maresie: I can relate to your post: feeling responsible for him; being angry (however, I'm not so angry anymore - just sad); fused with him (we've been married 36 years); AND isolating myself! I even go to our neighborhood mailbox in the evening, when no one is out! That was not me 10 years ago. Heck, I always stopped to chat with neighbors back then on the way to and from the mailbox. But that is when I wasn't working outside the home. Those were the days!

Thanks you two, for posting!

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

GailMichelle, I hear you about the financial concern. I was very close to divorce myself before AH got sober. Mine is a community property state where I would be responsible for any bills, credit, accidents, etc. Before he got sober he was borrowing money all over town and I was really afraid that some idiot would give him a credit card or some kind of loan. Thank goodness it was all small time local accounts. But I did not know what he might do next, esp after we separated. So I was ready to file if I felt threatened any further by his financial messes.

I was like Debilyn, though. I have a home that is relatively secure and though we own a business together, I was willing to go find work if I had to and have my Mom next door to help with the kids. It would not have been ideal, but I would have made it work.

In recovery,

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen wrote:

GailMichelle, I hear you about the financial concern. I was very close to divorce myself before AH got sober. Mine is a community property state where I would be responsible for any bills, credit, accidents, etc. Before he got sober he was borrowing money all over town and I was really afraid that some idiot would give him a credit card or some kind of loan. Thank goodness it was all small time local accounts. But I did not know what he might do next, esp after we separated. So I was ready to file if I felt threatened any further by his financial messes.

I was like Debilyn, though. I have a home that is relatively secure and though we own a business together, I was willing to go find work if I had to and have my Mom next door to help with the kids. It would not have been ideal, but I would have made it work.

In recovery,

Yep, I was told that I'm liable for any financial ruins he might create, too. Since we are married, if he goes down, he takes me with him. He has been great about not touching money in our accounts. However, he knows that a hefty court fine is around the bend, and he will need to pay it. Correction: we will pay it. Plus, there is the attorney's fees again. We paid over $8,000 for the first DUI. However, I told him "NO WAY" spending that amount on attorney fees this time. Live & Learn. confuse

Our home is close to be paying off! We planned to be mortgage free by the end of this coming summer. But without his income, that is not possible. His pension won't be enough for him to live on. He will get SS in 3 years, plus he has stock, or should I say "we" have stock w/ his company (community property, right?) I don't know if he'd settle with me taking the house and he keeps his pension and stock for himself. I would not be getting half, but at least I'd have the home to either continue living in or selling in the future. It's way too big for me, however. It was too much for just the two of us. I love our home; we built most of it with our own two hands. But, it's just a house, right?

Time will tell. I know I'll be fine, even great! I just pray that he will get his priorites straight and make sobriety #1.

I practice staying in the now, and exercising caution when making decisions, not fear. I recently read in a book the difference between caution and fear. Caution is what makes you look both ways before crossing a street. Fear is what makes you stand there because you are paralyzed.

Thanks for your post!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you may want to look into a legal separation. That is what I did. Then I was not responsible for any of his accidents etc. And here in Oregon they cannot come after you for doc bills or anything unless you sign for them.

A legal sep made me feel better. I got my name on the house only etc. But it was too late for somethings as he was using my checkbook and debit card! got me in a horrible mess.

Would do no good to go to court as he could not pay it back anyway plus I would have to pay for the suing and all that....

Anyway I hope you just keep on your path! GREAT for you! Taking care of you is so good. ONe step at a time, just get your body out the door! love,debilyn

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