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Hi everyone, I'm new to the forums and I'm not sure how to deal with an alcoholic spouse. I've been with him for 12 years now and in April will (would have been?) our 10th wedding anniversary, we have 2 children together aged 8 and 2...my 8 year old has Asperger's Syndrome (for those that don't know, it's a milder form of Autism) so all this is REALLY hard on him.
Maybe he's always been an alcoholic, I know the majority of his family members are, but the last couple years have been VERY bad. He's only been physically abusive a few times (I am under NO circumstances excusing it though, and never will), but every time he drinks, he's emotionally abusive to me and my 2 children, however over the last year I have been refusing to let him in the house when he's been drinking. He doesn't drink every day, and there are times he can go up to a month without drinking, but he still has a problem. He has never come to me with the problems in his life, whether it be personal or work, he always goes to the bar and/or his friends (we have very few mutual friends). It seems like his friends and alcohol always rank over me and our children. He will have a bad day and tell me he's coming home, but then he'll go to the bar instead and get drunk and ignore me and the kids, a lot of times, they end up crying themselves to sleep because daddy didn't come home or call (he works construction, so a lot of times, he has to work late and calls if he's not home before bedtime). He has "abandoned" us SEVERAL times...not coming home and/or calling for DAYS at a time. He'll shut his phone off and totally ignore us. He has told me MANY times that he will stop drinking, but he never does...he has made many promises to me about alcohol and other things, but he always breaks them. I have trust issues already with him from other things and that does not help at all! He also drinks and drives.
So last night (Christmas, no less...I think he has now ruined Christmas forever for me :() was the last straw. At 10pm, he said he was going to go get some cigarettes and he promised me he'd be right back...4 hours and a lot of texts from me later, he comes home stumbling down drunk. He tells me that he had to put up with my BS and my family's BS all day long and he just needed some "time to unwind." I wouldn't let him in the house, I told him to go sleep in his truck. He told me no and went to leave...I was NOT going to let that happen, drunk driving is bad enough, but drunk AND angry is just asking for trouble...I told him I would call the cops on him if he left, he didn't care. He got in his truck and went to start it. I'm not really sad to say I punched him right in the face...lol Which turned into a fight, he didn't hit me, but he did push me around quite a bit...we fought for probably about 20 minutes before I finally managed to get the keys away from him. When I got them, I threw them into the yard. That didn't make things better, he got REALLY mad, and after a threat from him, I ran into the house and locked the door so he couldn't get in. He started kicking the door (rather pointless to kick a STEEL door, but whatever...) and finally he stopped and WALKED in the dark on a busy road the 3 miles into town. This morning I told him he could come home, but that I was leaving. I'm still here right now (he's not), but I do plan to leave and go stay with my parents for a bit. I need a bit of time to myself before I get my parents involved in this, I don't have a close family so I REALLY don't want to do this, but I know I have to.
I am hoping this will wake him up. He says he knows he has a problem, but he doesn't ever do anything about it. All his friends are...well, let's just say the same as him. 2 of his friends have lost their DL's because of repeated DUI's (and then driving drunk without a DL). I want to move, not just to get him away from his "friends," but also because I really hate it here. I've lived here all my life and I have no one. I'm surrounded by family, but they don't want anything to do with me. My Godmother/great aunt lives 1/2 mile away from me and I haven't seen her for 3 years because I refuse to go to them anymore. I just want to LEAVE here! I've even offered to move into the midst of HIS family in PA (we live in Ohio), he has one of those family's like in the movies, where everyone loves each other and will help you at the drop of a hat despite any problems they may have with each other.
Okay, this is turning into a book, so I'm going to wrap it up now. What am I supposed to do now? If he gets a DUI, he will lose his job...if he continues driving drunk, he is going to hurt someone or himself. I am getting to the point in our cycle where I'm beginning to deny that anything happened and just want him to come back to me. I CANNOT do that!!!! I have to leave, nothing else has worked and I have never left him, he's already said that I won't really leave this time either. I want the man I married back...this isn't him. Any advice on what to do?
If you read this whole thing, you deserve lots of rewards!!!!
Well idle threats don't work either , tears dont work , ultimatums don't work , anger or shamming them dosent work . nothing u do works casue your trying to solve a problem that isn't yours to fix . Fighting is only going to get u hurt , violence from anyone is totally unexceptable . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself . learn all u can about the disease of alcoholism and how it is affecting your life and that of your children . Nothing u say or do will make h im stop your simply not that powerful , but an alcoholic will promise anything to get us off t hier back . WE believe the lies , we lie for them , we accept thier crappy behavior , that is our insanty , doing the same things over an dover again expecting this time it will change . Please find meetings for yourself and your family . it only takes one person to change to create change and waiting for them to change is a waste of your life . Louise
Hi Jenyre: As Louise suggested, it's best to find some help for yourself and children right away.
Next month, would be our 36th wedding anniversary. I hung in there for that long, because . . . well, for many reasons. Our two sons are grown, so I don't have the young children that you have. I do understand Asperger's, for I'm a special ed teacher. Your home life must be very difficult for your son.
I cried when I read your post. It hits so close to home. I want my AH back home so badly. I told him to leave after his second DUI in November. After all I've been through I sometimes entertain the notion thata he "might" change after all. I think of how it was in the beginning - how he was when we first got married.
Alcoholism is progressive if not addressed. My husband is not the man I married. He has the maturity of a 17 year old; he is 58.
Our sons are anger and heart broken right now. I'm not so angry now; but I'm deeply saddened over the fact that our marriage has to end. My attorney told me that he is representing a woman who is much younger than me, whose husband is in prison for driving drunk and causing a fatal accident. She is being sued for more than she has and then some. I have to part with him because not only do I need to protect myself financially, but emotionallly too.
They have to want to change. I I've learned that all that I tried to help him change did nothing but give him reasons to drink.
It's so sad. Please take Louise's suggestion. Reach out for help. It can get better. But you have to make the change.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Welcome to MIP, Jenyre. I am glad you found us. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this terrible disease. You are not alone. There are many people here who are, or have been where you are now. Please keep coming back and you will find help. Look for some meetings in your area, too. The people you meet will be there to help you through all of this.
Our program also does not recomend that you do anything drasticor life changing for 6 months. You need time to learn a few skills that we use to cope with this disease. Then you can be better prepared to decide what is best for you and your family.
Please try to get to as many meetings as possible and come here often. There are online meetings here as well. They are great.
Your life can get better. Keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you ladies for the replies. I don't WANT to leave, but if I don't, he will and he spends too much money when he's out on his own. In early November he left me and got an apartment. From what I hear, he was getting falling down drunk EVERY DAY and going to work late and reeking of alcohol. I convinced him to come back and it was FANTASTIC for about 2 weeks, it was the way it was in the beginning again, but then I asked him to go put gas in my car and well, after that he went to the bar and got drunk and didn't come home. After that for another week it was good, but then he had a "bad day at work" and chose to drown his problems in alcohol, he didn't come home for 2 days, ignored me and the kids the whole time.
As I said, I don't WANT to leave my home, I don't WANT to uproot my kids, but there's no way we can afford this place AND him having a place of his own. He's telling me he's miserable in this relationship, but I feel like he's sabotaging it, because I don't want him drinking and he knows I won't let him in if he has been. I haven't had a very "nice" life so far, I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. All I have EVER wanted was for someone to love me and want me for who I am. IF my husband wants a divorce, it will be entirely on him to file, and even then, I don't know if I can do it. I don't believe in divorce, when I married him and said "til death do us part" I meant it with every fiber of my being.
As for the meeting, I looked around online yesterday and didn't find any right off. I live in a small remote area, but I do know there are AA meeting around here, so I'm sure there are meeting for me as well. The only problem is that I'm not a "people person," I have social anxiety disorder, so I don't like to put myself out there, so I come to places like this, where I can "open up," but it's easier, ya know? I haven't had a job in over 8 years, I've been a stay at home mommy. I have no training what-so-ever, so it's going to be hard to find something. I don't WANT to leave my 2 year old with a babysitter and I refuse to put him in a daycare, but I guess I will have to.
Do they ever change? Do they ever realize what's actually happening and decide to get help?
One last thing...as I said, his family lives in PA, but his dad, cousin and brother are coming out next weekend for my husband's 30th birthday...do you think it would do any good to talk to them about this? Do you think they would have even a tiny influence on him to look around and SEE what he is doing? I don't know, maybe he's having a "mid-life crisis" or something. I know he HATES his job and the company he works for is rapidly getting worse so that doesn't help him any, I have been looking for other jobs for him, but they are slim pickings in the winter.
Oh dear, I am so hurting for you right now. Keep looking for a meeting in your area. The AA contact may know of one. You can get to the online meetings right here at MIP from the link at the top left of this page. Just click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room. The room is open 24hrs and there is often someone there to talk to even if a meeting is not going on. Meetings are 9am & 9pm EST.
As for helping him see the light, I'm sorry but there is truly nothing you can do. It is up to him to want to see it. Alcoholism is a disease. He is a sick person. Denial is one of the strongest symptoms of the disease and everything we do to try to break through that denial actually just makes it stronger.
What you can do is come here, attend meetings, and learn all you can about this disease, so that you can understand why letting him find his own way is best for you and him. That does not mean divorce, though. In this program we learn skills to deal with this disease, so that we do not have to keep taking drastic and dramatic action to try to get them to change.
You will find help and your life can get better. I did, and mine did. I understand a little of how you grew up. I always thought that I grew up ok, but realised as I learned more of the skills of this program that I grew up often feeling abandoned by those I loved. That was a huge factor in how I dealt with my AH. In this program I was able to address that issue and get my reactions under a more reasonable control and things changed.
I am almost 4 year in Al-Anon and it saved my life and my family. My AH has 2 years sober as well, thanks to AA and NA. Believe me when I say I did not get my AH sober. He did that himself after I got out of his way.
We truly only have the power to change ourselves, but as we change the dynamic of our relationships change. Sometimes, when we find serenity and a healthier way of being in the world, the A sees it and wants it too. Sometimes not.
Just keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I lived with an alcoholic addict for years. Our fights could go on for weeks. My anger at him was tremendous. I felt he owed me, abandoned me, lied to me, betrayed me the works. I felt totally alone.
I came here and gradually began to get some tools together. I stopped living in the misery I was partly responsible for creating. I started to get help. I spent a lot of time in the chat room here. I went to meetings. I got willing. I read books on codependency.
Like you I came from a very dysfunctional, ill, seriously disturbed family. Any help I ever got from them was accompanied by more abuse. I always had huge fantasies about my boyfriends and significant other's families. I wanted them to be the family I never had. As I'd come from such a really dysfunctional background I didn't know how to read cues or see dysfunction. They looked okay to me because I was not willing to see what was in front of me. Like the ex A I didn't do reality very well.
There are many many things you can do for yourself. One is to start looking at this program. There are ways to be heard here. When you are angry at the ex A rather than punching him, go to the chat room here. Sound off, get heard, know you are not alone. You don't have to be alone anymore.
I felt profoundly abandoned by the ex A. I felt he ruined deliberately every birthday, every holiday, ever significant event I had during the time I was with him and even after I left him. I felt dependent on him, I felt despair and I felt tremendous never ending rage that I poured out for a long long time. There are containers for your rage that are a lot safer than hitting him.
You are worth learing new ways to have emotions that feel like they are about to explode all over the place. There is a place here for you and I hope you will take it.
As I sat here reading the last 2 posts, I started crying...because for the first time since things started getting bad, there's someone there that knows what I'm going through...that can give me the courage to want to go on. Geez, I sound so melodramatic...lol
So I'm still here (of course, like always) in my home and he's upstairs sleeping (at least he's home and not at the bar, right?) After he went to bed, I sat on the kitchen floor and just cried my eyes out because he didn't take out the trash like he said he would. I swear I'm developing Multiple Personalities...one second I'm fine, then I'm bawling my eyes out, and then I'm just plain ANGRY, and then I'm fine again...all day long the cycle goes on. I don't think I've ever been this emotional in my life (it's sad that I say that at least 2 times a year)
I did find a meeting near me. It's on Tuesdays at 7pm so hopefully I'll get a chance to go to some of them...even though I'm scared to go, and will probably chicken out and make an excuse why I can't.
I haven't decided yet if I'm going to leave or not. I'm so confused on what to do. On one side, I feel like I should leave because of the way he treats me when he drinks, but on the other side, I feel like if I do leave, who's going to keep him even the slightest bit "under control," his friends won't cuz they don't think he has a problem. I know regardless of whether I stay or go, he has to see this on his own, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I leave and he gets WORSE and does something stupid...Does that make sense to anyone but me?
-- Edited by jennyre on Monday 28th of December 2009 10:56:02 PM
