Last year I spent days feverishly cooking and cleaning and organizing and of course shopping.  Needless to say none of the people who I cooked for (all alcoholics, addicts or people mired in the alcoholics lifes) helped to clean up.  They ate and then went back to their TV, drinking, arguging, scapegoating and whatever else they normally do. 

This year the same group talked about having a meal.  I said " oh that sounds nice".  Normally I would have seen that as an opportunity to air my resentment.  I did none of that.  I let go.  I stayed out of it.  When they invited me to join the meal I didn't say anything either.  I just commented on the choices they had made, all of which they were of course, waiting to be provided by someone else. 

I made a choice this year to stay out of it.  For me that is a miracle.  I spent so many years deeply cemented in resentment that the ex A didn't participate, enjoy, saver my efforts.  I sulked, resented and grieved my way through many a Christmas.  I blamed him, exhorted him and nursed those resentments all through the year.  Every year he made the same choice, to drink himself into oblivion and every year I made the same choice, to rage, to grieve and to exhort him to change for me, for my Christmas for my holiday.  I did enjoy the cooking, I did like the idea of trying to make a Christmas but the odds were always against me and I never ever believed I had any other choice beyond the ones I made. 

I must say I am incredibly amused that the room mates did not manage to get a meal together.  I am not that shocked really they were waiting for a people pleaser like myself to step in as I so willingly martyred myself for years.  Needless to say I will refrain from commenting on it at all. 

I didn't martyr myself this year.  I side stepped the entire issue.  I avoided the kitchen, went out for a long walk, went to a movie and made myself very very scarce.  What a relief.  I did not have it to do this before.  I ran towards the over involvement, resentment,  being needed like metal to a magnet.

This year I resisted.  Certainly I still have my resentments but nothing to nurse for another year of not being appreciated, not having my food liked and not having any help.

I made a different choice, a new one for me and I hope to be able to continue making new choices as we move into another year.  For me another year of recovery, rather than another year of misery.

Maresie.