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hi everyone, hope you all had a lovely christmas and hope you all have a happy and peacful new years in 2010. I have not posted for week or so I am in Benidorm in spain on a family holiday. I went away with my parents and kids as my ABF lost his job after last slip and all the promises of a holiday together could not be kept. I am trying to be positive the weather is not to good, but having good time with parents and my lovely kids. I am forty today everyone is trying so hard to make it special lots of lovely presents, birthday cake , banners its been lovely. I opened my card off him ABF ( he carnt afford a present)and it says I am lovely and special. I DONT FEEL SPECIAL. I coukldnt wait to open the card hoping it would be full of promises of how he will make up to me when he gets a job etc. It said you are such a special person this seemed so distant I wanted undying love , I am sorry I am not with you tec etc. It like I just dont get what I want need. I have been exploring my expectations. I know he would spoil me if he could.
went to the spa it was very serene I was thinking how I take this disease personal , how he carnt spoil me his life is a mess. I know he cares but so sick of understanding, going without. He carnt meet my needs I want a prtner I can holiday with, nights out, he never has money. I have not said anything to him because I know its not his fault.
Just questioning if this is what I really want or deserve. I feel guilty walking though because he is in recovery and trying what else can I ask for. Is my role to be compassionate, understand and love and put what I desire to one side??? Or is it just fear keeping me in here. I have learnt so much about myself thanks to al anon I know I try and fix people, I know I carnt fix him, now need to explore acceptance and wether I can stay with him now living in reality.
Well sorry for venting going back to enjoy rest of my birthday, its not personal and I do have so much to be grateful for, just wish he wasnt an alcoholic.
hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 26th of December 2009 09:30:11 AM
Tracy, how lovely to be in Benidorm when the rest of us are freezing! You are fortunate to have such a lovely family.
The card from ABF - if it had been full of promises, would they not have been empty? How confident would you have been of him keeping them? Perhaps it was more honest of him to promise nothing
To be honest, just reading your post, you seem to be detaching from him already. You know he cannot fulfill your needs, no matter how much he may want to. Only you can decide whether or not you want to saty with him but, if you do, then do it for the right reasons, not out of pity and/or fear of hurting him. You and your well-being are the most important deciding factors.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday - I'm very jealous!
Ah yes, letter full of empty promises is just what we need to stay in the diseases' denial, but is that really what you want or need? It would be so comfortable to be able to spend your holiday in that fairytale state, then when it doesn't materialize you could really throw it at him, too. That's what I always did, but it is not what I needed. I needed to get real and learn how to stay in reality and be ok with not being totally comfortable all the time. Comfort does not lead to growth. That's what I have found. It is the unsettling times that teach me the most and I have learned to find serenity in them.
I hope you enjoy your holiday.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha Tracy...Your eyesight is good and so is your program. I keep in mind that an expectation from anyone including the alcoholic is a future resentment. If I am expecting to much or expecting without knowing what is best for me than I'm in for another ride of my life. Your inventory questions are what mine use to be so if you do them but don't do them all day long and you are able to enjoy the other things in your life there will be balance. The alcoholic is doing the best he can with what he has at the moment and what a serious part of recovery he is in right now just trying to stay alive for the moment and then just maybe sometime down the line having a nice, sober night out with his wife without it turning into a melt down. If he sent you a card and on it he wrote the truth...he's on his way. God bless you all and hold you all while you do your works. (((((hugs)))))
