I`am New - Al-Anon Family Group

Samsgram · Senior Member

I`am New

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A warm welcome and I am very glad you are here.

Dear lady, it is ok to take care of you so you can be stronger for your g child! I found I could think straighter and learned not to take the vile bolony anyone ever said to me.

When we learn the al anon skills and feel supported we grow to be better people. We make boundaries.

For instance not answering the phone to those who abuse. or hanging up when they begin to be inappropriate.

You g daughter is old enough now to call you when she needs to. Thank hp for you lady.

Again however, if we can show we are strong, and do not allow a stupid diseases mouth to bother us, it helps our kids and g kids.They will find comfort in knowing nothing is going to hurt grama, she is stronger than that. You have the chance to be an example for her to know how to not react and to not take it personal as we know it is the sick disease talking.

Just like someone talking who has a fever, it means nothing.

Again for you to be coming apart, that means the disease is controlling you. We all have a choice to climb out of the pit it puts us in. You can do it Rosanne.

We have meetings here, there is a great chat room to talk to others. This message board is full of people who are a blessing to us all.

If we can keep in our heads that the whole nightmare is a disease, not the person, it helps us to detach from all that pain.

For me, when I am down, I take care of the basics, water, good food, warmth, sleep, hugs. I talk to hp all the time. It may help to do what you can for your grand daughter, and at the same time, build you up.

Hey I know how most moms are, when I was a mom, I felt guilty buying myself underwear!

If we give and give and do not refresh and gather strength we are no good for anyone.

I know I am different. I would not even think about going to someones house be it relative or not, who treated me like that. Becuz I learned to love the me hp gave me.

I hope so much you keep coming back. I will keep you in my thoughts, love,debilyn

Barbs45 · Senior Member

((((((((Rosanne)))))

Thoughts are with you, and hoping you begin by taking good care of you first!

Reading your post, made me think of my own daughter, she is not an addict or drinker. although is much like I used to be, and is in an abusive relationship.

I too have a Grandson, my daughter struggles in her relationship with her partner, and that is clearly showing a strain om my Grandson.

So often I've been quick to the rescue to try and sort her situation out, more so for the sake of my Grandson.

Not anymore, although I realise and can still love them both, and support them in a way, that my daughter has to take more responsibilty for her own life and my Grandson.

Like yourself I have health issues, which must be taken care of, so it is important we put ourselves first.

Over the past few weeks, since taking this approach to become less involved and allowing my daughter to be more proactive in making decisions for herself, our relationship has improved.

Wishing you well, and hoping you find the courage and strength too!x

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sams...without a stitch of sarcasm I wish you the best of Chritmases and an ounce
of the peace we are now enjoying at the moment here in Hilo. Your story has a miracle
in it and I believe it will start when you get yourself back inside of the program and focus
on your own spiritual needs...peace of mind and serenity. It is here for you if you want
it and it will be better to have it when you have your grandaughter because it will offer
her also what it gives to you. Do it for yourself and she will benefit also. That you know
something about detachment is a blessing don't you think? Practice, Practice, Practice.
(((((hugs))))) smile

Samsgram · Senior Member

Sorry, I`am not really sure how to reply here... Thank you all for responding to my post. I don`t feel so all alone and you are all right. Barb, I know I have to take care of me first but I`am NOT doing that by watching my gd as much as I do. My daughter trys to put demands on me and I refused quite bit by saying its too much, more than 5 days a week for me is too much. Just the other day I had a doctors appt. that lasted the entire day. I "should have come home to rest but I had to drive 1 hour away to pick up the child and take her back to my place to feed, bath,etc... I continually ask my daughter to find more help other than me and she refuses unless its free! Needless to say I`ve been in a "flare" since that day because of pushing myself over the limits. I know shes in a jam financially but she will always be. Not sure how to say more than I`am already saying.. When I say I cant drive to your town to pick her up anymore, its just too much. She really has`nt anyone to do it. Just me... I`ve tried... I want to try and not do it and let her find someone else but I don`t want the child to be stranded. Boy do I need help.
Thanks again.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Sam's Gram)))),

Welcome, this is a slow, gentle program . . . I found that when I began taking care of my basic needs (sleep, food, etc.) I was better for my loved ones. When I put them before me all the time, I became resentful. This program is for the long haul . . . meaning that when I got better, the disease became less powerful over me, I learned how to say no and mean it, I was far from perfect and still am but I am much more peaceful and serene even though this disease is rampant.

There are tons of meetings in your area, please take good care of you and your health first so that you can help with your granddaughter over the long haul.

in support and recovery,
Maria

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I live around alcoholics and addcits. They spend a lot of time looking for somene to scapegoat. They lie, lie and lie some more. I used to be obsessed with what others thought of me and people pleasing. That was my undoing. Al anon can really help you. I hope you will embrace this group.

I can no longer control the alcoholics and addcits in my life and I'm resigned to there wil always be some. There will always be the people who I would so love to change, confront and beg them to see the real "me". They have a disease. The disease has them and until they choose to recover there is not much I can do about their thoughts. I can, however, do a great deal about how their actions affect me.

A friend of mine called me drunk on Christmas day saying how sorry he was that I had no family nearby. At one time that action would have killed me. I would have been ripped apart by his opinion of me. These days I have learned to detach with the program. I see the friend (who has indeed been a good friend to me at times) as what he is an alcoholic who has many many problems of his own not to mention his own family problems. In his disease he needs to try to put me down, diminish me and project his own issues all over me. I used o accept that projection, now I let it go. I do not remonstrate with him. I don't answer his call and I delete the message. I don't even acknowledge the communication.

I can't say I got to that overnight. I've been working long and hard on al anon for years now. I used to have a life that was absolutely swallowed up with alcoholism, addicton and my total over involvement with them. I certainly have to deal with alcoholics and addcits day in day out but their actions no longer swallow me whole.
This program can help you a lot. Give it a try. Go to a meeting, go to the meetings here if you are too exhausted to manage a face to face. Read as much literature as you can. Post here, read all the posts you can. You will be amazed at the threads you can uncover. Embrace this place, let this program in.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello again, is it an option for you to have your kiddo live with you again?

One thing which is VERY hard, was for me anyway is to allow things to happen so consequences happen.

If she does not pick her up. Then what happens? The school will take care of g. child. If this kind of thing keeps happening, possibly you would be awarded guardianship of the child?

When we enable the Addict, it just wears us out. I know a child is involved, however, adults, teachers, counselors etc will care for her until mom comes or her placement is with you.

Just throwing out questions, possible options.

Al Anon is great at helping us to see what we are doing is enabling. Listening to them rant is enabling, allowing them to run all over us is, when we intervene and take care of their responsibilities it is helping the disease.

I have flare ups too, degenerative arthritis. They are so debilitating and I can imagine so hard to have a child to care for. BUT I would do just like you and get the kiddo.

This place is a great place to vent too. Just get it out so it does not eat us up.

Hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.