The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What would the holidays be without family of origin issues, right? ;)
To make a very long story short (or try to, at least), my ex-husband is an active alcoholic. He and I have an 8 year old son. My ex is on probation for DUI and working a minimum wage job. He keeps getting evicted from places and not being able to make his car payments. He was driving a car titled in his name and mine - he couldn't get it refinanced in his own name when we divorced. So here come my parents...my mom is an alcoholic (went to 2 years of AA and then went back out) and my stepfather that reeeeally could benefit from Al Anon but has never been. They maintain a relationship with my ex because of my son. My ex frequently drops off my son to my parents' house or picks him up there, so they see him a lot and interact with him some. At first that was weird for me, but I decided that it was their decision who to be friends with and I had no right to tell them what to do ... I just don't go over there if he's going to be there.
My parents had a paid off car and decided to give it to my ex. They asked him who his old car was titled to, and he just said himself. He didn't mention me. I heard about this after the paid off car had been retitled to my ex, and the net effect is that I'm having to take the car with the payment back so that my ex doesn't let it get repossessed. Now that he has a paid off car, there is no incentive to pay for the other one. I am not real happy about that. I particularly don't like that it went down behind my back. In my parents defense, they didn't know I was on the car title. I was still annoyed that they interfered and now I have to be involved, though. I have expressed this to them.
My parents gave me a sob story about not wanting my to get evicted because they didn't want my son to have to see it happen again. They said that if my ex doesn't have a car payment he'll have more money to pay his rent. I was thinking this, but didn't say it: yes, the logic makes sense. HOWEVER, there is no guarantee that if you take a car payment out of the equation that he will use the leftover money for rent. I don't agree with sheltering my 8 year old from reality. And not to mention, giving a car to my ex is completely enabling him...doing for others what they can do for themselves is enabling!!!! My ex is capable, he just chooses to live the way he does!
So that's the background. A week ago, my stepfather was supposed to go with my ex to have the breathalyzer device that's the result of his last DUI moved from the car he was driving to the car they gave him. On the agreed upon day, my ex didn't call or go over to my parents' house as previously arranged. My stepfather tried to give me an earful that night about how my ex is so inconsiderate and such a jerk, etc., but I told him I had to go and then I hung up. They actually did get the device moved yesterday, and my stepfather drove home the old car so that I can get it from their house to sell it. When my stepfather got in the car, it was completely out of gas - with the gas light on. He stopped to get gas. When I went to get the keys from him last night, he pretty much jumped me at the front door and let me have it about how the car was out of gas, how my ex is such a jerk for not putting gas in it, and how I need to reimburse him the gas money because it's my car. I really was so surprised that I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just said, "You might be right," and then I took the keys and left. After I had a chance to think it over, I called him back and told him I would not be reimbursing the gas money. I had no part in the whole transaction and I am not the one who gave him a car to drive with no gas in it.
Funny how anger gets misdirected. I know my stepfather is really angry with my ex and taking it out on me. He saw me when he was angry and I'm physically easier to scream at than my ex because I'm smaller and less threatening. That does not make it right, though. I was grateful for the program. I used my tools. I didn't try to get in the middle of the situation with the cars, even though I thought it was extremely unhealthy and kinda weird. I didn't let my stepfather engage me in arguing or get me to join him in complaining about my ex - which would've just dragged down the way I felt mentally. And I did not accept his anger and blame because they belong to him. He chose to give my ex a car, he chose to help my ex get the breathalyzer changed, and he chose to get in the car and drive it home.
This is just my opinion - but the Al Anons in my life have been just as crazy, scary, and unpredictable as the alcoholics! Watching my stepfather interact with my mother and my ex makes me very grateful for the progress I've made here. I remember when I was out of control that way. I'm glad I don't have to be anymore.
Thanks for letting me share. I'm honestly kinda dreading seeing my stepfather tomorrow.
Hi , good con men never give up one way or another they get what they want . If your step dad starts again , perhaps remind him nicley that u had no part in the arrangment he made with your ex and suggest he talk to him about it . Diversion works put the problem back where it belongs and walk away . As u said before your step dad is a untreated Al-Anon so giving him a little grace is a good thing but u don't have to pay the price for your ex's behavior . Enjoy the day and avoid the topic . Louise
Merry Christmas White Rabbit...yes I agree sometimes it's nice to look at the dysfunction to get a picture of where you came from and also the reasons not to participate any longer with the new box of tools the program has given. I loved the picture you painted here and the part you didn't play in it. Please keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I'm glad you have al anon. I certainly went around and around with the ex A about his cars. I hope you currently have the title changed to your name. You never know your ex may choose to come and claim that car or the proceeds otherwise.
I do know from personal experience many many alcoholics who are active rely on others to deal with the issues in their lives. Certainly there are real issues with what's enabling and what isn't. Toby Rice Drew who wrote Getting them Sober has some very interesting observations on that. I found them very helpful.
My own family of origin is mired in alcoholism. Nothing but nothing goes down in a straightforward way, there is intense drama and there is also much misdirection of feelings. For years I was the one who got much of the misdirected anger. I eventually got to the point with one of my sisters that I refused to talk about our slbing. Needless to say that boundary was not welcomed but I held to it.
Al anon can certainly help you explore boundaries, look at ways to detach as well as ways to express your own frustration and anger (all of which are absolutely justified). I'm glad you have found us.
I got the car back, got my ex to sign a power of attorney for it that says I have the right to transfer the title to anyone I want whenever I want without any further consent from him, and found a buyer for it. After my last post, I had to totally turn it over to God. It would be so easy to let it get me stressed out. I didn't intend to have 2 car payments and pay insurance for 2 cars, and I don't know how much of that is a financial reality for me for very long. It ended up working out that I can get rid of it in short order and I didn't have to be stressed.
If I could just remember to let go and let God with things before I worry to death every time. This is such a process!! I've found myself in fear about things I can't control in the future the last couple of days. I'm taking this car situation as a lesson that most of the things I worry about don't materialize anyway, but even if they did - worrying about them today doesn't stop them from happening and just causes pain today.
My stepfather was fine at Christmas and apologized for mis-directing his anger at me. I just let it go. He's sick and I'm sorry for him.
Progress, not perfection. Progress, not perfection. :)
Louise
