The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
New to this forum, I didn't know where else to turn. My husband has been in recovery for about 2 1/2 years, with occasional relapses. The last relapse he'll own up to was almost 2 years ago, but I have suspected many others since then, even though there is always a story (though not always plausible) to explain his behavior. Twice at family gatherings (always my family) he has appeared drunk after leaving to go run and errand and returning. There was no real smell, and the first time he claimed was a panic attack. The second time he offered no explanation until the next day, then explained it by saying that he ate candy with peanuts in it (he's somewhat allergic) by accident and then took a benadryl. Another time, I found a diet coke in his car that smelled of whiskey, he claimed that it wasn't his and said someone else must have left it there, probably the mechanic who fixed the car. Each time he is very convincing, and not only do I end up believing him, but so do my parents, his shrink, etc. There have been many many little incidents like this. I am never 100 percent sure if they are relapses, or my paranoia combined with his being a "dry drunk". He gets somewhat beligerent, saying that he didn't drink, and didn't do anything wrong, and I have hurt his feelings by always suspecting the worst.
Additional facts: He has been going to AA once/week, but has never stepped. We have a newborn child that he cares for during the day while I work, but he is trying to find a job so that we can switch roles.
After the last incident (the 'benadryl') I am starting to feel that he is pathologically convincing himself that he isn't drinking, but is indeed having relapses. He swears over and over, that if he were drinking he'd admit it to me, but I fear that he won't even admit it to himself. I can't tell his family (I fear that they do more harm than good), I'm afraid that his therapist is not being told the truth and therefore can't help him much, and I can't even prove that he is lying. I am desperate to catch him in the act, or catch him lying, or even for him to be arrested for DUI, so that all of this denial can come to an end and he can get the help he needs.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I want this marriage to work, but it is crumbling quickly, and I am becoming a bitter, angry person. I find it impossible to be supportive of him when I feel that I am being betrayed by his dishonesty, and the thought that he might be pathologically lying to me scares me even more. I have a very bad temper and I know that my angry tirades are only making the situation worse over time. The worst part is that we have this beautiful, innocent little boy, and I want him to grow up in a happy warm family, but my dreams of that are becoming shattered.
If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading this...
Hi Cinderella, welcome to this message board. I"m glad you found us. You sound just like me when I found alanon, desparate to know my husband's exact alcohol intake and exactly what did he have stashed around the house in reserve. If you can find an in-person alanon meeting, I urge you to attend. There you will find people whose story is yours, and you can start to focus on yourself instead of on someone else. In that way you will be able to live your own life and be available to your son. Here we find tools to enable us to live whole lives, even happy lives, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. We have online meetings here twice a day, too. I hope you will check into alanon meetings. Welcome again. Jill
We learn in alanon to stop watching the A. Their drinking is up to them. We have no control over that. If you stay in alanon, you will learn so much, and be able to live with him if you choose to, and be happy.
For me I learned to concentrate on my health, my growth. My husband is very sick and has been for years now. Yet his disease is going strong, and he is using whatever. But I stopped even thinking about it or asking or anything. It is NOT my problem.
I ended up very able to love him and he felt more comfortable with me. I don't want someone watching what I do either.
In alanon we learn to change ourselves as we learn we cannot change anyone else.
Do you know the serenity prayer? I used to say that over and over. I also would say everything is ok over and over.
Sadly I lost my last shred of being able to show my husband love. I am having a scare about my health and he was not there for me. I chose to take care of me and not have the disease even close to me.
But I was ok with him for a long time.
Please come back and vent . A book," Getting Them Sober" is a great one. courage to change is one and one day at a time. sorry arthritis... can't always cap.
There are miracles here all the time. Once someone told me I had many miracles comeing and boy was that the truth. I came here five years ago and live my alanon program everyday. Now with this scare, I use the skills even more.
Thanks so much for your replies. I will try to attend the online meeting, I wish I could attend one in person, but between work and caring for my newborn, there is no time to do anything else. It would be great if I could get to a place where I could let go of wondering and worrying about my husband's problems, but it is difficult to do that when he is home all day caring for the baby. I worry that he will drink while caring for him, or worse, get in the car with him (which he has to do sometimes) after drinking. I also feel constant stress when we have to go anywhere socially, which we have to do often with family events, because I never know when he will be drunk or have a breakdown (whichever it is) in front of my whole family, when will I have to drive instead of him, when will yet another enjoyable event or holiday turn into a nightmare. He tends to tell me that I'm crazy or that it is somehow my fault that I am stressed, because he's fine and not drinking. He also denies that he appears drunk, when it is obvious to everyone (he stumbles around, his eyes are glazed over and unfocused, etc) and it is generally impossible to reason with him. As I said, I do understand that I am supposed to give in to being powerless over his disease, and try to not regulate his behavior, but how am I to let go when this could potentially hurt my son, and when it ruins family events?
I wish you could find just 2 hours or so for yourself each week, just to go to a meeting.
In alanon, we learn to take care of ourselves. We are number one. And so, you and your baby are number one. We didn't cause the drinking, can't control it, and can't cure it.
Generally, advice is not given as far as relationships go.
But in the case of your safety and your child's safety, perhaps you might want to look into finding someone else to care for the baby. If I was in your shoes, I would not want to be worrying about how well he is taking care of him.
I remember my mother getting sooooooooooooo upset when I told her I would not visit her when my drunk stepfather was around. And she acted so hurt (she does this often) and wanted to know why she was being punished and didn't I think she would protect my children from him? Why the heck do I need my children to be around someone they might need to be protected from?
This is my first post, so please forgive me for going on so long.
We have a lot in common, I'm afraid. I'm currently trying to balance the needs of my 16-year old, who has what seems to be shaping up as a mood disorder, with the "closet" drinking of my husband. He has been dry for the most part over the years, with occasional slips (mostly while I was away on trips and he was caring for the kids). Our younger child (10) has not suffered from these binges in the same way that our ultra-sensitive older daughter has. I am desperate because my #1 job is to protect her (the older one), as she tries to navigate the scary waters of medication, therapy, etc. Now he has added this layer of stress to her life. He didn't ask for this problem, but I cannot excuse it when it threatens the well-being of our daughter. I am torn between leaving him to help her, or staying with him and having her feel that she has to leave. I don't want to leave him and could only do so if I were willing to sell our house (I'm not there at this point).
Our worse problem with my husband is that he is secretive, dishonest and sneaky about the drinking, and that he is also driving after drinking. The best I can tell, he usually spends his time drinking outside of his mother's house. She is unaware of what he is doing, is elderly and not particularly ambulatory, so he can get away with it while there. He will cut off his phone, and like your husband has done, make up some unlikely (but often convincing) story about his whereabouts or behavior. To his credit, he has usually admitted it when confronted. Our daughter, who is very headstrong, has decided she will not live with him and wants to stay with my sister. She has forgotten all the love and support he has given her and has lost all faith in him. I think she just has nothing left to give him after working on her own serious problems. A part of me feels the same way--the ultimatums have done nothing to change his behavior, so maybe a shock would work. But I doubt it. (Just as a side note--he is a very good husband and father in most ways. Not abusive--very good provider)
I have gotten closer to the point of behaving as suggested in a few posts above--his problem is NOT my problem. In fact, in a way, this has kept me from even coming here. I have things of my own to work on and work out--why do I need a support group for his? After all, he doesn't seem to need one to learn how to live with me. I am really quite resentful about this. It is not just the drinking that is driving a wedge into my chest, but the betrayal (I'll be home in an hour...yeah, right) and the fact that it seems he is increasingly missing. I am tired of being alone.
We have another child (who, by the way, worships him), and she has to be protected. I have had a hard time deciding whether to let her know anything about what is going on, and for the time being I have decided against it. She is a very savvy 10-year-old and I know she must have some idea that things aren't just right. But for now, I want her to keep the spring in her step and stay a child.
I am finally beginning to stop wondering how much he drank, or where, or even why (when he doesn't know why himself). He has gone from a few slips in a year to probably every weekend night for the past month or two. I fear that soon it will be week nights, then days, then who knows. I can't support the household monetarily if he falls apart, so we could very well lose our home and our family as we know it if it comes to that. But I realize--or at least I feel--that there is little I can do. I know he loves me and we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. I can't walk away from him.
Best of luck to you, Cinderella, and thanks to anyone who has read this far. I would say, take care of yourself, and try and believe him as much as you can. Don't be ashamed of his behavior, because it is not yours. At the same time, don't cover for him either. As I learn more about all this, it seems that getting the partner wrapped up in the illness is a part of the way an alcoholic or other addict snares their loved ones. My daughter is doing the same thing and knows all my weak spots. I am just trying to be one step ahead, but usually end up under someone's shoes. I am very late to finally coming to this forum--I truly believe there is hope for us all.
