The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm in a place right now that I can't seem to get out of. Feel like I am in a 10 foot hole and I keep pulling at the mud on the sides to try and get out and more just keeps tumbling in on me......soon I think I may be buried alive.
The Dr's office called today with the pathology report from my surgery, and told me that they discovered I now have endometriosis. All this basically means that all the symptoms and pain that I had prior to surgery were from this and NOT the cysts, but the cysts were a product of the Endometriosis.
In a nutshell, the surgery I just had was like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole, and was POINTLESS, and I more likely than not will have to face yet another surgery in the near future as this one will not solve the problems I was having.
The surgery was pointless, the never ending nightmares from waking up in the OR-pointless, the pain has been pointless, the emotional rollercoaster-pointless........all of it for pretty much nothing!!!! Only to, more likely than not, have to be faced again.
I really feel like my faith is being tested and I dont' even care if I pass. I am soooo worn right now. I just don't know what to do or what to think or how to feel.
Exabf told me once that after I was in the program awhile I wouldn't even need my anxiety meds anymore if I worked the program. That was one RX ago, I got another one which was supposed to be temporary until after my surgery and right now I can't imagine quiting taking it. I called today for a refill. Does this mean I'm not working a good program? Maybe I'm not or I wouldn't feel like this.......and maybe he's right if I was I wouldn't need the anxiety medication......I just feel like a failure........a broken failure and I don't know how to get me back together again....
Thanks for letting me share........ Shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
((((((Shelley))))))) - the surgery was not pointless. You now have a diagnosis of a disease that is treatable. It's not cancer - it's not going to kill you. I am in no way downgrading the unpleasantness and the pain of this disease, but - you will get better. Hang onto that thought. I understand the thought of more surgery is terrifying but that may not be the only option. I'm sure the docs will go through all the treatment options with you but most of all, you will get better.
Just think how much you have come through in your life thus far. You will have the strength to get through this. your friends, both virtual and real life, will get you through. Stay strong!
Love and prayers, Tish x
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Wednesday 23rd of December 2009 05:15:39 PM
I don't often tell people what they need, as it is a Alanon no-no. But you need to make a grateful list!!
Be grateful it was diagnosed Be grateful there are treatments Be grateful it wasn't cancer Be grateful it's not life threatening Be grateful your child will have his Mother Be grateful you are here to celebrate the holidays Be grateful for life!!!
I just finished reading a local story of a 38 yr. old Mother that just yesterday died of cancer. She left behind 3 young children. You have much to be grateful for, you just aren't looking.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hang in there. I, too, have endometriosis and have been dealing with it since I was 13. I'm 44 now. My recommendation is to ask your Dr. about Lupron. It's a non-surgical treatment for the disease and works miracles. After 2 surgeries and nearly a hysterectomy at 25 it's the only thing that worked.
I know it's frustrating, but you are your own best healthcare advocate. Research, research, research. And endometriosis, although very painful, is not life-threatening in any way, shape or form. That right there is a blessing.
Be gentle with yourself - it will take you time to bounce back physically from what you just went through. Focus on recuperating and regaining your strength. Things will look better in time.
I echo what the other members have shared with you regarding your endometriosis. It is easy to feel like life is caving in on you...
my concern in your post is this idea from your exabf that if you are working the program well, you won't need anxiety medication? Huh? That is unfair and that way of thinking is set-up for beating yourself up. I am not a doctor, but I do know that very often, anxiety is a biologically based condition and that medication helps balance out brain chemistry to help you function at an optimal level---how your body is meant to function. Would you take insulin away from a diabetic because she is working a 12 Step Program? Of course not--she needs it for her body to function optimally, just as someone with anxiety may need medication. You go with what your physician tells you to do regarding your anxiety. This is for you and your dr together to decide, not your former boyfriend who is alcoholic. Focus on your program and what you need to do for you and your emotional and physical recovery. Hugs to you.
what a blessing that you didn't get the diagnosis you were so afraid of last week; It's NOT cancer, YAY! you have just been given a great gift, that of not having to go through the fear and struggles of a terminal illness! Let go and accept the great things that did just happen, even if you can't seem them right now, they are there for you. Your worst fear didn't happen, and even though you may think the surgery was pointless, I would say that is the best news you could have gotten. Hope you can see your way through your thoughts and get to a grateful place. Praying that you can find serenity.
