The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My cell phone died on Sunday, after my visit with XAH. I didn't think to charge it up on Monday morning. I plugged it in Monday afternoon at work and forgot it there until this morning. This is what came up on the screen once I turned it back on:
5 text messages from XAH.
Monday, 9:04 p.m. If you're awake, I really need you. I'll do anything to fix this. I haven't had a drink in weeks. I'll go to anger mgt if you tell me to.
Monday, 9:06 p.m Please give this another chance! It's worth it! We built so much! I'll do anything!
Monday, 9:07 p.m. I can't do this without you! You're my family.
Tuesday, 7:50 a.m. Don't bother responding to what I wrote last night. I know I can't have you back, it just gets hard sometimes. It won't come up again.
Tuesday, 7:52 a.m. Please don't bring it up. I just want to forget about it.
Wow, am I ever glad that I forgot my cell phone at work and didn't turn it on until later this morning. I'm also glad I got to see the progression of these text messages. It was like a gift of awareness and realization from my HP: a) confirming to me that my X does in fact struggle with a disease b) making me feel slightly sad for him, but not enough to ever want to go back or to help him, which is a huge step in the right direction, and c) making me see how much I held him together, despite what he said.
I don't feel self-righteous right now. I don't feel snarky. I feel very sad for XAH. I wish he could find recovery. I wish him happiness, but I don't want to be part of his life anymore. That dream is dead and gone. I know that his son has left for Toronto and that because of this, he is very lonely, so he reaches out for his known comfy blanket (me), and as I "withhold myself" from him, I feel sad but I know this is necessary for both of us.
Thanks for sharing this. I, too, can relate to feeling sorry for the alcoholic. It's sooo easy for me to get sucked back in to things. Good for you for holding the boundary you set.
