"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ythannah · Senior Member

Support Badly Needed

Hawk120025 · Veteran Member

YTHannah,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is heartbreaking. Having recently been in a situation such as yours, I can relate.

1 - Breaking up with someone has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you love them. Mine, too, was the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. From the bottom of my heart I believe we were meant to be. I broke up with him not because I didn't love him anymore, but because his behavior was unacceptable to me. I still love him dearly and have a difficult time imagining life without him. Bottom line, however, is that I didn't want to be with an A.

Looking back, it seemed as though our "fantastic" times outweighed the "drunken" times, but now that I'm removed from it, I see that was just my idealizing the situation.

2 - Breaking up with him doesn't mean you no longer have hope. It means you are establishing a boundary for yourself and letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable to you. You are telling him that you will no longer enable him or be the "victim" in his sickness.

I hope all the time that my ABF will call and say he's gotten better. I would like nothing more than to be with the man I fell in love with.

We can always have hope but I think sometimes we confuse that with delusion. It gets confusing when we love someone so.

3 - If nothing changes, nothing changes. He may never change, but you can. It's not easy. I still cry over the loss 5 months ago, but I had to change - for me. I had too much to lose.

Although I don't know you, I believe you have too much to lose, too. You are a valued treasure on this planet. See that in yourself and start taking care of you.

Hope this helps.
Hollie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was, this may be a situation where a moment at a time is a good idea.

Until he gets home, sobers up, or at least things kinda calm, maybe you can take some breaths and be,"in the now."

Not thinking ahead, just thinking about your needs and wants. Simple stuff.

The disease makes everything so dramatic and heavy. We don't know what the next moment will bring. We don't know where our emotions will take us or what decisions we will be ready to make.

It is all so painful hon. I am so sad for you both. Of course I hate this disease.

I was just thinking I get scared being away from home just straight. I cannot imagine being out of control drunk!

We all have to do what feels comfortable for us. We learn skills, however maybe they don't fit at the time. NO right or wrongs.

I use the serenity prayer and stick my situation into it. ex except what I cannot change, I cannot change that my loved one is an
a. I cannot enable him and hope it helps him, change what I can. I can be home, be ok, be supportive when he does come home, set boundaries and consequences. to know the difference.

I know I can help me by making sure my needs are met, by making sure I work on my own serenity by letting go and letting HP. I can do footwork, hp brings results.

I can tell you from experience, serenity is so good for us. We can go through all the symptoms the A goes thru, but we don't take it into our hearts or bodies.

Glad you are here. I found the chat room always makes me get out of the drama.

Drama can go on but we can choose not to be part of it. I read, "The FarSide" at my worst times! I swear it can always make me laugh.

Anyway sending you hugs and serenity. debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know how much you have read this board but there are lots of threads on people dealing with situations like yours. I know I personally dealt with an ex A for years who did all kinds of things that were absolutely incredibly destructive. Eventually I stopped living on eggshells, switched off the phone and turned it over. For years and years I lived with him crashing cars, driving like a maniac (I'm not sure why he was never jailed for it), destroying our home, spending weeks away, coming back, demanding, demanding, exiting, demanding more, not paying bills, working, not working, escaping and lying lying and more lying.

I put him front and center of my life. In fact my life totally dissolved and all that was left was this shell of a human being who was totally obsessed with him.

I'm not sure what kind of a set up you have with your boyfriend. Mine was completely enmeshed. I didn't just up and leave or have him up and leave because our life was so absolutely intertwined.

Stick close to this group, post every day. Learn all the tools you can. Go to the meeting rooms here twice a day and when there isn't a meeting if you feel weak or lost go to the chat room. The closer you stick to this program the easier your life will get.

Leaving or not leaving life is very very difficult around an alcoholic. We don't just leave and find nirvana. I think its a whole long process whatever you do. The good news is that it gets better, irregardless of what he does it gets better. A great deal better and its worth putting in the work, attention and care you do deserve no matter what he does.

Maresie.

ythannah · Senior Member

Thanks, all! You really do help.

Luckily, ABF and I did not live together, so there aren't a lot of entanglements beyond the obvious emotional ones. I would never have considered living with him until he had been able to show me at least a year's sobriety, and he never came close to that. I often told him that my one saving grace during his relapses was my ability to escape to the peace of my own home..... I wasn't about to lose that safe haven.

His best friend and I had quite a talk tonight, and we both admit to making it much too comfy for ABF to drink by insulating him from the consequences. Although in most cases that has meant taking him into hospital when the physical symptoms became dire (he's had heart problems during past benders), or supplying him with Ensure to try and maintain some minimal level of nutrition since he stops eating.

Hollie is right, I haven't completely lost hope that the sober man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. But something has to change, concretely and not vaguely. Because a partner who absents himself from the relationship periodically to go on a bender is NOT acceptable..... I do believe I deserve someone who is 100% present.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there... in reading your post, it seems clear that you see what your ABF is doing, and what he needs to do..... I only hope that, given time, you can see that you need to choose recovery for yourself, and turn all that great energy onto you.... My concern here, particularly with the fact that you are an ACOA, is that, without you finding your own recovery - even if you do end the relationship with this guy, you're more than likely to find another.... it's a sad statistical truth...

The good news is - and you've already taken the first big step by reaching out here - you have the ability to break this chain yourself, and to choose recovery for you....

Wishing you all the best on your journey....

Tom

ythannah · Senior Member

The sad part is that I do know better. I did an ACOA outpatient treatment plus aftercare in my 20's.... I'm hypersensitive when it comes to drinkers, but I seem to miss the boat when it comes to not-so-recovering As.

I did take the steps to start counselling during his last relapse in Sept. The woman who saw me first for my intake assessment asked me a great question: if she told me that the next two years of our relationship were going to look exactly like the first year, would I stay? My response was a resounding "NO!" So she told me I had to give some thought to how long I was willing to remain in the relationship if nothing changed substantively..... I kinda thought that 6 months was my limit at the time, but apparently it really was "one more relapse".

I'm happy to be here... and so glad this place exists. I think just reading here saved my sanity during the past year, and I learned a lot of things that really helped me to view my relationship more objectively.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha ythannah good to see you getting involved and reading the ESH of others. That is
where for me the first change occured with an open mind. The open mind part was the
most difficult as it took me a while to find a door to it.   LOL    I have been a counselor
and had very good counselors myself. We don't fortune tell or predict very well and
some are into hinting that nothing will change because nothing will change and they don't
know the power of the spiritual recovery programs of AA and Al-Anon.   The 12step
programs which are self help and social model (people helping people) do work wonders
and miracles in the lives of very dysfunctional people if those people work the programs.

If you don't get in and work it then "nothing changes". Putting a Higher Power of your
understanding in your life and the life of your alcoholic (his choice...not yours) and
working the program of recovery has enabled miracles which are awe inspiring. Still
without the willingness and honesty and a desire to work the program of change nothing
changes. We don't do the future...we only do today...just today.   So how do you picture
your life being if you work the program only for today...forgetting tomorrow and only
using yesterday (the good and the bad) to help guide you for today. When I got to the
point where I learned how to live in this one day only deciding how I wanted it to go for
me and just working on that goal my whole life and outlook on it changed.   By the way
eventually my alcoholic got sober and was sober the last time I saw her.

Keep coming back.   (((((hugs))))) smile

ythannah · Senior Member

It has been an exhausting day. The ABF didn't make his flight this morning, and stopped answering the phone around 7 AM. Naturally, his friend and I have been worried sick, not knowing what was going on.

Eventually ABF's brother and sister drove in from another city, friend had to authorize the building superintendent to give them access to the apartment... they found him alive but in a very advanced state of intoxication, so he has been taken to hospital by ambulance. I sit waiting for word on his condition... hoping that he gets admitted so that he will sober up enough to get on a plane back here, so at least we don't have to try and deal with this long distance.

He does attend a weekly self-help meeting.... it's a facilitated group, so not strictly AA.... but I've long thought he was just "going through the motions" and not really doing the work. He did attend a weekly AA as well until his dad died, but he admitted that he only went to make his dad happy.

I too attempted an ACOA 12-step program roughly 20 years ago. I got stuck on Step 2, because I am not in any way religious or spiritual and I absolutely could not grasp the Higher Power concept. I still can't.... it eludes me to this day. So much of the benefit of the program escaped me..... I had nothing in which to place my trust/faith. I ended up feeling quite a failure because I couldn't "get it".

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry to hear this; how stressful for you. Alcoholics just keep on doing what they do, don't they? And while they are too sacked out to feel the pain, we feel twice as much.

I totally get where you are coming from with the Higher Power. I am an atheist, and I had to work my mind around to how I understood it. It's challenging when some people clearly mean "God" and I personally don't believe there's a god behind the scenes. The way I've come to understand it, myself, is that there is something within us that always strives for health, balance, compassion, and well-being, even if we don't have any idea how to achieve them. It's like the way a plant always turns to the light. This inner orientation towards better ways is why we're miserable when we're in a bad relationship, why we feel pain when we watch alcoholics ruining their lives, why we're always seeking love and peace. I think one thing about Al-Anon is that people let down their barriers and that facade people tend to put up in society of "Everything's fine" and "Don't mind me, I don't need any help" and "I can do it all on my own." People are more real and honest and express compassion. That's a sort of higher power for me -- the power of everyone's turning toward the light. So I guess that fits in with people referring to "Good Orderly Direction" and the group as a Higher Power.

I hope you're getting lots of support right now -- it's so hard to watch A's crash and burn.

ythannah · Senior Member

Thanks for that post, Mattie... that's probably the best notion of Higher Power I've ever heard that might "fit" for me.... and I'll be mulling it over in days to come.

Things went from bad to worse last night... ABF ended up bolting from Emergency at the hospital. Luckily brother and sister spotted him in the street and brought him back to the apartment.... where they put him on lockdown.... constant surveillance. The only object here is to keep him sober enough to pass muster with airport security and get him on the plane home, because he cannot remain in a (huge) strange city in a borrowed apartment.... once home, he makes his own choices.

I've spent hours on the phone with both of his sibs giving them Alcoholism 101 -- he will lie, he will manipulate, he will fake compliance -- his only concern is getting more booze to avoid the withdrawal symptoms. Many ridiculous calls from him this morning begging me to "instruct" his captors to give him alcohol.

If anything, I feel worse for them right now, having to take time away from their families at Christmas to attend to this nightmare that ABF created. And it feels strange being sucked back into his problems to help brother and sister, knowing that I'm not going to be involved with him any longer.

I have support, thankfully. I have his best friend, who has known him 15 years longer than I have, I have my best friend, his whole family..... and I have my beautiful, silly dogs who know nothing of all this and just make me smile. And now that I've been spilling my guts here... I have you guys.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"