The week from hell (long) - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

The week from hell (long)

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

On a happy note.... I finished my first term in my master's program and believe I have straight A's this term! :D

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry to hear this.

I once read that what's going on with people like your daughter is that they are "inconsolable." I think that describes my experience of it.

I hope your family is getting some kind of family counseling? I know it's hard to find good family counseling, but everyone needs support. I feel for all of you.

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

tough one, I had similar epidodes with my teenage son early this year, things have settled down but boy do I remember the craziness, I still feel sore over it, and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry to hear this. I can't say I feel any compassion or much compassion any way for your ex A. As far as I am concerned his acting out has caused some of this. He may be trying to make amends now but he did a tremendous amount of damage beforehand. I think it might be good for him to see some of the craziness he caused with his addictions.

I've been around the bend a lot with someone who was absolutely suicidal (the ex A was). I understand the despair, rage and sheer exhaustion. At the same time I now your daughter has been around the mill subject to a lot of addiction, abandonment (her father died on her), and maybe she does need to have some containment and compassion and help. I hope the wilderness camp will be able to give it to her. I do think it might be good for her to get her rage out in a contained situation.

maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Great on your schooling! Geez girl you must be good at concentrating on the task where you are. That is a great skill.

Geez that girl of yours.....

Ok she is not home again yet. No use thinking about what might be.

If nothing has worked so far, just went through my mind to do nothing. Serenity prayer again....

I think I shared with you when my son went off to survival school, I was afraid he would take off until the last moment. They reassured me as soon as he got home they would come get him.

You have hung in there a very long time. I wonder what would happen if no one responded to her when she is out of control, threatening etc. No feeding the fire.

Like when we don't respond to the insanity of the A.We can only do so much right?

When we had a kid out of it like this, we all in the classroom did not even look at them. It was no fun when they got zero attention. Until they were appropriate we did not even act like they were there.

We have always known when people act like this they are looking for attention. Trouble is it is neg. kind.

What we do is look for when they do something good, no matter how small it is.

For instance if when you see her she is quieter or more calm. We would say to the kid, hi, hey its nice to see you feeling calmer.

If they are open at all to talking,"Must be hard to have all those feelings bottled up."

Not making it real personal.

When a kid would get caught with a knife etc at school and sent to me to hold until the police or parents came, I would put myself in the kids place.

"geez Jeff, I sure would not make that kind of choice." I am so afraid of being behind bars, freaks me out." Keeping it about me not them,but they will think.

It is totally their thing, we have to learn to not allow them to bring us into it. No fun playing alone.

This is a hard thing to get acrossed to people. They all want engage. Like when someone comes in and tries to cause problems in a chat room etc. IGNORE them! They are there to get someone upset, to control someone. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Am not saying it is easy. But it works.

You guys are in a hard, hard situation hon. You are pretty amazing. So glad you are hanging in and somehow thriving at the same time.

What are you guys doing for fun?

glad you keep coming back. love, your friend,debilyn+

Bella333 · Veteran Member

I am sorry for your situation. I get scared when I hear the wilderness camp mentioned. As an attorney I have heard many of these places can be very abusive to children. Shows like Dateline have also done stories about them etc. They can do more harm then good. As I heard at one meeting, gentle sunshine warms a person up rather then a harsh wind (or something like that).Just my two cents.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

CG, I hope everything works out for your family. I have heard both good and bad about wilderness camps. How long will your daughter be there? I lived in Utah, and I know what wilderness is. The lack of proper medical treatment in these places can be frightening. But, on the positive side, let's hope that works out for your girl too.

Otherwise, I have nothing to say. As I am of a "certain age", I suppose I see things in a different light from young parents today. Our disciplinary measures are probably 180 degrees apart.

Ah, but there is one thing: Has she ever been inside a prison? I mean really inside, living with all sorts of criminal behavior, and getting a pretty good idea of what would happen to her if she really became confined there? I am a believer in the "scared straight" idea.

I do wish you peace. That is all I can do.

Diva

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CG,

Just want you to know I am thinking of you.

Lou

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I pray that while your daughter is hospitalized they can correctly diagnose her and give her the treatment she needs.
I have total comapssion for you, your family and the situation you are in.
Prayers going your way
God Bless

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Even when I am not posting, I am kind of keeping up with everyone

This poor child!!! A Dead father--An EX AH to deal with---A boyfriend almost her age---She must have been feeling abandonment from early age to now and is now furious at all this and is acting out

I hope someone can give this child some grounding and love and compassion and a safe outlet for her rage and fears and insecurities

It just breaks my heart to see a youngster melt down like this and have to pay the price for growing up in such dysfunction..I know!! My father was a party animal, never around, always with a new GF while mother sat at home and drank her wine and we kids took the brunt---We never were important--Shoved aside for mom's or dad's pleasures and needs so we felt like liabilities---Blamed for their horrible examples set for us

Then mom finds a boyfriend, not much older than I was at the time while father is off with mistress #??? and I am 16 and thinking of suicide or committing some sort of crime to get out of the hell I was in---

Her drinking BF came first--Everything was first rather than us children---I had 3 younger brothers that I had to take care of since noone else would take the task--I did not realize how full of rage I was until one night when I was 17, I smashed every dish and plate and anything I could find in the kitchen--Screaming my head off at those people and telling them what I thought of them !!!

I ran away, worked as a nanny for people who came to love and want to help me and I was terrified to put my trust in anyone--I ended up with this couple who had kids my age and who knew me in school and they just kind of hung onto me---Then I staid with other relatives so I could finish school and college---I was lucky to have found some love and people who actually cared about whether or not I lived

Nothing hurts more than feeling abandoned and unimportant to the parents--Now, after 8 years in recovery I am learning I can fill those holes myself and with my Higher Power but it took loads of recovery and meetings, work with my sponsor and working the 12 steps of alanon and coda to come this far--To achieve this and it was not easy---

I just hope and pray this poor kid can find her footing before something really tragic happens---

As a child who was in her shoes, I am giving my esh as I was in her shoes once upon a horribly sad and despairing time

Please use what you can and leave the rest

sharonk868 · Newbie

carolinagirl wrote:

So I have had probably the worst week of my life over this past week. It all started the weekend before last when oldest daughter told ex AH you're not my dad I don't have to f'ing listen to you and refused to do anything he said. He tried to take the phone from her and she threw it against the wall and broke it and then went out the front door to the neighbor's house to call me at school and tell me what an ego maniac he is. He called to report her a run away as I told him to if she leaves the house without permission and she was gone all weekend.

She had started taking adderall about two weeks ago and her bad behaviors have been magnified 100 times so I have taken her off of it. Ever since we went to the courthouse to meet with the counselor who enrolls for the wilderness program I have been at her mercy with non stop yelling and saying the most vile things (even when you don't attend the argument she doesn't ever stop). It was at the point where I didn't want to come home anymore.

So this last Friday we went to court on her undisciplined minor petition and she was found guilty and sentenced to wilderness camp. She was horrified. We went to meet with the court counselor and left the building with her screaming across the parking lot hey B.... if you think I was f'ing bad before you just wait... and that she had been being good but now she had nothing to lose. Of course everything that is happening to her is all my fault or my ex ah's fault, none if it is anything SHE has done. So we get in the car and she starts talking about how she is going to kill herself and I'll have to live with that and she's going to burn the house down with all of us in it and she is going to kill us all and she's going to get me fired from my job and make my ex ah's gf break up with him and on and on and on. So I stopped at the hospital ER and admitted her for suicide and homicide threats. This is not the first time she has threatened suicide and being a hormonal teenager in despair I really wasn't sure what she was capable of or even that she might try to make a statement and accidentally do it. So I sat in the hard plastic little chair in the ER room for 12 1/2 hours waiting for them to find a mental hospital that would take her and finally at around midnight they told me to go ahead and go home. Prior to that for 12 hours they had said I was not able to leave her because she is a minor and the mental hospital may need to talk to me. So I had 12 hours sitting in a tiny room listening to the most vile things a child could conceive of to say to her mother.

She has been gone since Saturday and it is peaceful in my house, the other children are starting to fall in line as the always do as soon as she is removed from the situation and I am glad she's gone and as a parent I feel guilty about that. I don't want her to come home. I don't think it's fair to the other kids to hear screaming nastiness all day and night long. I don't think it's fair to me or ex ah to have to listen to her vile spewings. I have had the police at my house so many times I can't even count anymore. I have to live with her from the time she gets out of the hospital until she goes to camp and I'm DREADING it!!! I'm going to call the court counselor right now and let them know what happened and where she is hopefully there is an answer out there besides months of suffering with her tantrums.

Thanks you for the post.
Hi guys, Im a newbie. Nice to join this forum.

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-- Edited by sharonk868 on Monday 28th of December 2009 02:32:57 AM

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