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This is what last night talk with my AB truly felt like to me it was like the devil was staring right back into my eyes. We had talks before about his drinking he said hed try and do better so i stayed but this time omg! The hair stood up on the back of my neck and I'm still shaking. I asked for a sign from my HP well I got one. I came home from helping my disabled recovering A dad decorate for christmas to find my AB and his A friend drunk at 4 in the afternoon. I knew better than to confront him while he was drunk but I did I couldn't stop myself. I told him "why don't you just go shoot yourself in the head and get it overwith because thats what your doing anyway, killing yourself slowly." If you don't think AH will kill you look at my Dad! " The devil looked at me and said "do you think I don't see what I'm doing to myself and my family and what I've lost? Do you think I'm an idiot?" " I can see. I just don't care. I could tell you I will quit drinking but I'd be lying to you. I could quit drinking (laughing) I just don't want to." "Now give me my debit card I'm going to by beer!" (with the last 20 dollars we had to last a week for gas and food). I asked him during the talk so I've wasted 2 years of my life loving you hoping that if I gave you a reason to not drink ect ect. he said "yep pretty much". So I am going to leave he said he wants someone who will accept him for who he is and he doesn't understand why everyone trys to change him. The problem is he got his second DUI doesn't have can't drive until he takes his SATOP class he put the downpayment up for my car his is brokedown in the driveway. I don't hate him, I won't feel write about leaving anyone without a way to get to work or anywhere and it's christmas. Is staying until he gets back on his feet the right thing. Or am I still trying to "save or fix" him I don't know any more. My A dad should know he just says leave he's ganna take you down with him. Sometimes leaving is the only way you can help. If anyone has any advise please send it my way feel like i'm headed for a breakdown
You are not the one who left him without a way to get to work or anywhere. Did you force him to drive and get not just one but 2 dui's? As he said, it's his choice. He can quit whenever he wants... etc. etc. Standard denial but really if you think about it it's true. A person has to be in a place in their mind that they absolutely refuse to do it to themselves anymore. Sounds like he's not there. I'd say for me I would examine MY responsibilities and MY needs and focus on that. What the consequences are to him is HIS problem. Just keep in mind it has been my experience that when you remove someone else's consequences for them (like by driving them places when they lose their license, etc.) they don't like it when you suddenly stop so just be prepared for that if that's what you decide to do.
Anyone would be headed for a breakdown in those circumstances. It is crazy-making. As for "waiting till he gets back on his feet" -- he doesn't want to get back on his feet, does he? He says it straight out. He will definitely take everything you can give him, so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his drinking. So as long as you're there to provide a soft landing (keeping him from being broke, keeping him from facing Christmas with only his drinking buddies), he'll enjoy it. But what is good for you? What will help your life become better?
One of the hardest things I had to face was that what's best for me isn't what's most comfortable in the short term. What was most comfortable was what was most familiar -- sick thinking, co-dependency, getting myself in hot water and then feeling the pain! I can see why they don't want to stop drinking -- they say, "I know it's causing some problems, but I'll deal with those later. Right now I don't want to go through the pain of changing, so I'll keep on doing what I've been doing." I see that those are just the same words I say to myself. Doing what's best for me even though it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable -- that's the challenge. Every time I've done it, though, it makes me saner.
I hope you can get lots of support. Face-to-face meetings? Hugs to you.
What u do at this time is your business , but i think he made it perfectly clear where he is comming from . Expecting an alcoholic to not drink is our insanity , they do what they do til thier done . You are not responsible for the fact that he has no car , or that he got another DUI , its not your job to save him from himself . until we stop doing for them what tey should be doing for themselves nothing will change , why should it we are taking really good care of them . Every time we step in and save them from a crisis we help this disease continue . Please if your not already attending al anon f2f find a meeting u need support .
If it's any consolation, Dawn, I'm right where you're at now with my ABF.... calling it quits.
Nothing is going to change until he wants to change..... and only he can make that decision.
"Every time we step in and save them from a crisis we help this disease continue"
Yup, I almost made that mistake tonight... but I'm proud of myself now for not letting his crisis disrupt my life.... it's his problem to deal with.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
That's the definition of the insanity that I faced before finding the program. What I did was what Abbyal suggested and then the insanity slowly but surely went away. Get into the face 2 face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. "You're very life may depend on it!"...a quote from what was first given me before I got there. (((((hugs)))))
That's the definition of the insanity that I faced before finding the program. What I did was what Abbyal suggested and then the insanity slowly but surely went away. Get into the face 2 face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. "You're very life may depend on it!"...a quote from what was first given me before I got there. (((((hugs)))))
ABSOLUTELY----I was told the same thing "get into face 2 face meets NOW, while you are still sane" growing up with drinkers, marrying them, siblings drinking and drugging, on and on and on---I got into 12 steps rooms even AA to understand what was going on and I just figured it out----I can only change ME!!!! The A or NA is going to do what they want to do regardless of my wishes or rants or pleadings-----I don't even go near substance abusers anymore----I love my A brothers, but I set limits and boundaries on how much "in my face" do I want them to be---It hurts--the older of the 2 and I were best pals growing up----Now I have to put a limit on him---He refuses help---I want help----I cannot keep my emotional sobriety hanging around substance abusers who are not in active recovery and even then, they can relapse and take me down again, if I go that route----I finally learned my lessons---Life is just too damned short for me to "purchase" pain---I am serene one day at a time by taking care of me, working my program and knowing when its time to let go and walk away
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
