The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I am new here. My husband of 16 years is an alcoholic. I am at my wits end in trying to help him. I don't know what to do, but I know I will not leave.
The drinking is progressively getting worse. He blames all of our problems on everyone but himself.
The frustrating part is that I am graduate school for my MA in Counseling. If I can't help my own family, how am I going to help anyone else?
I know there are people out there who understand, and that is what I need most. This is affecting my children, especially my 12 year old son, and it is so painful to watch. I want to be a healthy family, and we need this to stop. I know there is nothing I can do to convince him he needs help, he has to do that, but right now that seems pretty impossible. I have begged and pleaded, I have tried to reason with him, but as you know, none of that works. Sometimes I feel like if he really loved us, he would choose us instead of the alcohol. I know that's not true, but it is how I feel.
Aloha 3dog and welcome to MIP...you sound qualified to be in your own chair in the Al-Anon Family Groups for friends, relatives and family of alcoholics. Your 12 year old son is old enough to be starting in Alateen which is also a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups. From a retired substance abuse counselor let me suggest that you can not help your family for two basic reason and there may be more but these two basic ones are enough for thought for now. One is that you are too close to the problem to see it correctly (reason why you're here looking for support right?) and the other is that Counselors don't marry their clients and get them better as a result. I would suggest that you learn as much about alcoholism and alcoholism and you using the ton of literature that is available at most Al-Anon Meetings. You might even find another MA at the meeting as the disease has no boundaries on who it takes under. If you keep and open mind there what you learn will be priceless. Colleges often suggest that their students sit in on Al-Anon meetings to get an idea of what "self help, social model, counseling" is all about. You can take notes but not names as our program is anonymous. No one gets to tell others that they knew you and saw you there and this is what she said.
Your alcoholic is not deaf or mute and unable to read body language and inflections of speech. He know what the family is going thru. He also knows he has surrendered to alcohol which is cunning, powerful and baffling. He is not bad but very sick and if he doesn't stop the progression it will take his life as it has many others. He knows and he knows it owns him. He might have a time or to thought about getting help and maybe even trying to stop or slack off a time or two but alcohol is a jealous lover and if he goes missing for a while it will hurt him mind, body, spirit and emotions.
Get to your own Al-Anon program and build it and be patient with reliance on a Power Greater than yourself who is also greater than alcohol. When you stop trying to get him to stop, change or get sober and start your alcoholism education part of the situation will change and positive things will happen.
MIP will always be here for you and others to find help so keep coming back.
Hi 3 dogs. As I have just posted on another thread, I have been married for 38 years and my husband has been alcohol dependent for the last 5. It has been a nightmare for me and my son (29 but with a learning disability so functions around the age of 12) Being professionally qualified is no help when it is you who is in the situation. I have been nursing for over 40 years and have treated numerous alcoholics but I feel totally helpless in the face of my husband's disease. I once posed a question to some recovering alcoholics asking them if they ever thought about the damage they do to those close to them. The answer was that, in the throes of this insidious disease, you only worry about where the next drink is coming from.
You haven't been married as long as me and you may want to consider the future for you and your husband, particularly in light of the effect his drinking may have on your son. Lots of people have "advised" me to leave but I can't or won't. Having been married this long there is some vestige of love left for him although he has destroyed most of it which is so sad. Also - he is very sick and maybe it's the nurse in me - but I cannot walk out on someone in this state. There are also financial considerations. I am the only one earning and I support a disabled son. I simply cannot afford to run two homes.
Ultimately, you will work out what is best for you. But do keep coming back here - I found tremendous support, especially as there is no al-anon group near me. The chat room and on-line meetings are also incredibly supportive. I have come into them in tears and always leave smiling. It is an awesome place.
Lost of (((((hugs))))) Do keep coming back. You are amongst friends here.
Like you, I am a counselor. I got my Masters 3 years ago but I've been in the profession for over 20 years. And I got my first experience with alcoholism right from the start, because both of my parents were alcoholics (my mum died recently of cirrhosis). Soooo..... you'd think I'd know better, but my last two relationships have been with recovering alcoholics.
Don't worry.... you'll be able to help people. Like Jerry says, when you're in the thick of it (and emotionally involved), it's difficult to be objective and clinical. When it comes to others, you'll have the emotional distance that allows you to be neutral.
I can't believe no one has yet recommended the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.... it's a must read.
And keep coming back!
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Welcome, 3dogs. This is a safe place to find a listening ear. :)
Alcoholism does not discriminate based on education or anything else - we're all fair game. My husband and I are both attorneys. I've seen the insanity of alcoholism threaten his career because he couldn't stop drinking, and I've seen it threaten my own because I couldn't focus long enough to do my job without calling and checking up to see where he was and what he was doing/leaving work early to go home early to see if he was at work like he said he was or at home drunk the way I suspected/talking on the phone to other people ad nauseum about how bad he was making my life and all the bad things he was doing/just sitting at my desk in a state of almost physical sickness because I felt like everything was out of my control and I wanted so desperately to find a way to fix it all. It was really hard for me, in the midst of the chaos and drama of active alcoholism, to understand that there is nothing logical about alcoholism and no logical solution, and to stop searching for one. It was also hard for me in the midst of active alcoholism to remember that my husband was sick, not a bad person.
I too, begged and pleaded, cried, screamed, and then attempted to rationalize with him - usually when he was drunk - because I wanted the problem fixed so immediately that even the knowledge that he was drunk and irrational didn't stop me from trying right then. I saw him get up in the mornings completely ashamed and hang his head and apologize for the night before. I alternated between comforting him when he apologized because I could tell he was genuinely sorry, and giving him a tongue lashing and telling him I didn't believe he was sorry because if he were, he'd stop. None of that had any effect, other than to make me completely insane. I was living in a constant state of fear, dread, panic, and anxiety. If you've done any of these things, you're certainly not alone.
If you keep coming back, it will get easier. You won't be able to fix your husband, but you will be able to live your life in a much better place.
Hello and welcome , there is nothing u can do about him , begging dosent work , threats dont work , ultimatums don't work , as I suspect yur figuring out from your post . this is a disease and its a f amily disease it affects everyone differently . I have an AA friend who calls this a equal oportunity disease , it dosent care who it gets , and as for your chosen career I am sure u will make a great councelor but this is like nothing u are learning in your classes , our program is based on anonymity so it is a safe place to share your fears , we go on first name only ,please find a meeting for your familys sake . also see if there is an Alateen meeting in your area your son needs help too , it is possible to get your lives back on track regarless of what your husb is doing . You deserve to be happy and Al-Anon will show u how to do that . At this point u have nothing to loose what your doing isn't working so give our program a try . This has nothing to do with your husb not loving his family , if love would cure alcoholism there would be no need for a recovery program , the only relationship your seeing now is between him and his booze , it is running his life at the moment . Please find support you will need it to stay in this marriage , I too chose to stay and have not regretted it we have long term sobritey in our home , by working this program and getting my life back change happens . It only takes one person to change to create it . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 21st of December 2009 02:33:16 PM
