The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 40 yo A/DA son entered himself into detox and then rehab. I was quite proud of him for taking those steps and still am. He had been living with us for around 9 months with stipulations that we would support him in what he must do. Those stipulations were... Stay clean and sober Go to meetings regularly pay rent Keep his room clean Help with daily chores No overnight guests
He ended up violating or never starting each one of these and our lives became totally unmanageable. During his stay here I lost my father, ten days later my husband lost his father and six months later my sister died of an overdose. He also hooked up with a girl that was and still is married. The amount of "drama" in our home during these months was almost unbearable.
When he came to us and told us he was in withdrawals not the flu we instructed him to call his sponsor and let him tell him what he needed to do. It was then that our son made the decision to go to detox and then rehab.
After he went to rehab I was boxing up his things from his room and found a little 2x2 zip lock bag with white powder in it stuffed inside another container. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what this was.
Last week he insisted that we bring his truck to him. They are allowed to have a vehicle but must turn the keys in to the office and can only have them back when they are on pass. We will be out of town Christmas weekend and he wanted transportation because they will be on pass that weekend and money so he could get a motel room when he goes to see one of his children.
We battled for days at the logic in giving a person in rehab a vehicle and money. It still doesn't make sense to me. However, we came to the conclusion that we cannot keep him from going back out again. If he wants to bad enough he will.
We took the vehicle and money to him yesterday and it was not pleasant. He asked why we had said that he could not come back home to our house to live. So I had to painfully lay it out for him. I had told him before but this time he seemed clean and sober so he understood. He asked if he needed to change his mailing address as well.
Once he got his keys and his money he proceeded to tell us about the terrible diseases that he has...kidney possibly shutting down; possible dialisis in the near future and a colostomy bag. I saw right through this one I HOPE because he has done this before. Once he told us that he had cancer and only three weeks to live and that was six years ago. I told him we would all work through those problems together. However he got what we came there for and then told us "Well, it's probably time for you all to start back home."
That stung our souls to the core. It was close to "I got what I want now you can leave". We are both hurting so badly today. I hated having to tell my son he could not come home. I hated to come to the realization that he only wants us around for what we can give him. I had such fantastic dreams for him when he was that cute little two year old wanting to sit on my lap and rock. Now that dream is gone and my biggest fear is that we may have said goodbye to him for the last time.
ESH greatly appreciated. BTW we have five years of Al-Anon under our belts but it seems like when it all lands in your back pocket the things you have learned, the logic you know all goes out the window.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
{{{Mobirdie}}} It is so hard. He is clearly in the grips of this terrible disease. No wonder you are feeling so much pain. I often think that the disease gets a foothold because the addict is trying not to feel pain, and then the pain they don't feel gets passed on to other people. He was trying not to have the pain of being sober and emotionally exposed to the world. No doubt in rehab it's harder to evade your pain, and he was feeling crushed under the weight of it. Instead of facing up to it, he passed it on to you.
It hurts so much. Please take care of yourself. I know when things like this happen, it seems like they blot out the sky. But life is big and wide and you never know what will happen. Please do everything you can to support yourself.
Sorry for your pain.... one perspective to consider - you are truthfully doing the best act of love that you guys can possibly do for him.... you're not turning your back on him, or telling him you don't love him.... you are giving him the dignity of making it on his own.... in his fragile state, he might not recognize or appreciate that right now - but if he chooses a life of sobriety, my bet says he thanks you for this gift in the long run....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((((Morbidie)))) I have been there, in rehab with my 38 year old son and had almost the same conversation , was dismissed and felt the same overwhelmning pain.
I guess I learned that alanon asks me to place principles about personalities because sometimes living by these priciples is very painful!!!
My sponser helped me to see that I was loving my son unconditionally that was all I had to do. How he responded was not my concern. This unconditional love does not try to manipulate or control. It just is and is enough.
I will pray for your serenity and peace. Facing this with my only child was very difficult.
Praying for you and your family.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 20th of December 2009 04:39:09 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 20th of December 2009 05:32:07 PM
Aloha Mo...Blessings to you and your husband and son. You did what has been suggested and hopefully with the full intention of turning your son over to a Power Greater than yourselves. He will find sobriety and be drug free when he does the very same thing and does what recovering people do to get and remain sober and drug free. He either does or dies all by his own choice. That you are, with love backing out of between him and his higher power is what works we find out.
There are many miracles in our recovery programs...both AA and Al-Anon and while all of us are worthy of one or more none of us can create one by ourselves.
Very tough, I'm going through the same thing with my brother, and I have to detach, I lived with both A brothers at times and life became unmanageable, my ex A bf stays with me at present but I have boundaries but its still tough though with alanon and the steps it makes it possible for me to have a good life, its very tough when we are not needed and their addiction comes first all the time, lonely,
i can only give you my ESH. When I expect concern, love and understanding from an alcoholic I am going through my own problems. Expecting them to be rational, kind and considerate is not something that is feasible. The more I understand they are sick sick sick the better equlibrium I can have. I have a sister who is an alcoholic and she is a great manipulator. Her bottom line is to have an excuse to drink and to put it all out there. I have spent a lifetime wanting her to be other than what she is.
I've been dismissed so many times by her I've lost count. Anything I have ever done for her which includes pulling her out of many a mess was denied, diminished and parlayed as "nothing". I used to really be angry and upset at her. These days I just see her as an alcoholic. The higher I jumped for her the bigger the disappointment.
Thank you all so very much for your words that kicked me back where I need to be. I was so far down but I knew the one place to come to get that instant ESH was right here. We are both doing better and we both feel we did what had to be done. Not only for us but for our son too.
After a long talk with my sponsor and grand sponsor I found the strength to go ahead and do what I would have been doing had all of the drama not happened. We even found the will power to go ahead and participate in a skit at church Sunday night. It was fun, silly and put a smile on a lot of faces. Wonderful medicine!
We are now in the process of planning a long trip. We don't know for sure yet where we are going or what we will do but we know that we need to get away for awhile. Our phones will be turned on once a day to check for messages and the rest of the time it will be just us working on finding some peace with our higher powers.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
