The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a minor blowup with my mother this morning. She called to ask me about my A brothers check that our dad always sends for Christmas. I did not realise she was also going to invite me to a resentment. She is codependent, of course, and is very good at sending me these covert invitations to resentments.
I used to think that I could talk to Mom about anything, but in recovery I have realised that there are many things that were really taboo. We were not allowed to talk about real feelings. We didn't talk about the truth in a lot of things. There was a lot of denial when I was growing up. Of course this is not Moms fault. She didn't have Al-Anon. But I still let myself get taken off guard when she wants to take things personal that have nothing to do with her.
So she asks about the check from Dad. I tell her I have not heard from him lately, he is kind of busy. She doesn't want to let it go. It may be all my AB's family has for Christmas. I am sorry, but that isn't really my problem or Dad's. The check he sends isn't supposed to give his family Christmas. It is a gift to my AB. Again, I have not heard from Dad.
See how I fall for the bait? So many of you can see what comes next. Remember my Mom is not in Al-Anon. "You don't have to throw it in my face every time we talk.",she says. Oh man, and do you think I could stop it there. Heck no! Forgetting that I have three, yes count them now, THREE years in Al-Anon, I say, "I'm sorry if the truth makes you uncomfortable, but I don't live in denial anymore. I spent too many years in that place and I will not go back to ignoring the elephant in the room."
OK, now I have done it. I took the bait hook, line, and sinker. I engaged with the disease and of course, lost again. Duh. What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't. Oh well. I guess I have another amends to make. I hate it when that happens.
So, I am still digesting this incident, but I can see one glaring reminder from HP and that is that I am not in control, sometimes even of my own self. I still cannot always control my reactions. I'm sure I will find other lessons in this. I am still not sure why I got so upset in the first place, except that I think I felt betrayed again. We have talked a bit about my AB recently a couple of times and she never said anything about her being uncomfortable with the subject. I did not know how she felt until she accused me of, hmmm, I'm not even sure what she thinks I did.
I am trying to be honest about this subject without beating it up. She apparently doesn't see it that way. I feel that she can't accept who I am and how I feel, but I realise that I did not find recovery and get better for her. I did that for me. She doesn't have to like it. I like it just fine.
I just need to work on remembering that just because she cannot accept everything about me, does not make me unacceptable. Its not about me. Its about her. I have to let it go.
Thanks for listening.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha Jen..."I took the bait"...Yowzers that is a great metaphor for me and just a great part of learning. I learned to recognize when the bait was out there, where it was and what it sounded like and smelled like. I learned that 6th "spider sense" and learned to check myself and my denial level. "What I forgetting the reality of my relationship with this person. Could I act as if that relationship didn't exist if the other person did not no themself and therefore wasn't working on anything except fear, resentment, anger, confusion, lack of grace and all the other stuff I was good at before the program. What were my expectations. If I expected no change than the situation was a no brainer. If I was changing and thought therefore "everything and one" would be changed with me I was in trouble.
I learned to keep my head in the reality of the situation and to then practice the program as I was being taught it...fair, honest, just, open minded, forgiving, etc etc.
Your solutions are in your post. Your awareness is there also. So is your forgetfullness. You want it therefore it is rather than you want it (your Mom to be accomodating to a recovery) and you and she have to be patient and work for it with unconditional love.
I'll bet your Mom is as afraid of the situation as you are and maybe more because you have tools and she doesn't. I'll bet she is as tuned into your reaction and presentation and walking on egg shells and afraid of being baited as you are. Soooo sad because I'll also bet that she is as in love with you as you are with her. Just a little tweak (surrender) by both of you and the sky will be filled with skyrockets whether the check has arrived or not.
For me I am always aware of my feelings; my gut. When my gut reacts I stop and look for the trainwreck.
There is nothing wrong with you...it's safe to be around you at all times If I'm working a program. That works the other way around too.
Thanks for sharing. Is your brother over 18? Are you? Why is it your mother's business? I think you handled it fine. I would have simply and softly asked "Why are you asking?"
Why would you be making amends for honesty and respect? You spoke your truth as best you could. It seems your mother was the one goading you.
I know what you mean about feeling safe. I must feel safe in a meeting before I can put my neck (or guts) on the table and say my truth instead of circling my situation. I attend meetings where I feel safe or I don't share. I find the longer I'm in recovery and the older I get (50+) the choosier I am about who I hang out with or converse with. My own family of origin has had the knives out for me for a long, long time for simply stating my own truth, that alcoholism has riddled and cursed the family for generations. They have their own path, their own HPs, etc. and I wish them all the best.
Please be blessed and do not let this bother you. Perhaps sharing about it at a meeting or a phone call to a sponsor or trusted friend?
Oh yes, the train wreck, Jerry. With my mother, I still have trouble seeing that the track is out up ahead. It is always shrouded in just a bit of denial from way way back in my childhood. LOL
And yes, MG I do have amends to make at some point. Yes, I spoke the truth. She cannot handle the truth, though and I told her that, too. Not exactly kind or patient. I am human and it is hard to speak my truth sometimes with detachment.
I am 38, my AB 33. He is an active A and drug addict. Of course my mother is scared. As Jerry stated, she has no tools to deal with this. She thinks I am being mean and callous when I state the truth as I see it from my recovery. She has not learned that she cannot help him, she is not responsible for him or his problems. She is afraid and she feels a ton of guilt that many of us feel when we first walk into the roomms of Al-Anon. But she does not have Al-Anon to tell her that she did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.
And she is really good at putting her guilt and fear to work to make me in particular into the bad guy. I know she does this, but there are times when I seem to be prone to react to it. Right now I am expecting my third child and my emotions are a bit unpredictable. I spent two days with her this week helping her shop for a car she was in desperate need of. It is kind of a perfect storm. I might have seen it coming, but I did not. I forget that she is a typical co-de, very good at hiding how she really feels until it boils out on someone. And of course when I am not at the topof my game recovery-wise, I have to take it personal and allow it to hurt me, then I must react.
I did not have to allow it to go to that point. I could have just asked her to call my Dad herself, or asked her to ask my brother to call him. I could have just stuck with I don't know. But I reacted. I let out my hurt on her. At least I was honest, but I wasn't at all tactfull or thoughtful of her feelings.
I guess with my Mom I am always struggling with the line between being totally honest and not giving in to the disease and denial, and thinking of her feelings and trying to be as kind as I can. On the other hand, she isn't going to die from hearing the truth. I guess I just have to give her reactions to HP, as well as my own. When I have some distance from the incident and the time is right, I will make the amends for my own part in it and let it go.
Again, thanks for being here and listening. I am grateful for everyone here.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When I noticed myself accepting those invitations recently, I dusted off my HP box - after venting and ranting here first, of course And I can tell you, there was a LOT of dust on that sucker, LOL!
Amazing how the physical act of writing down what you are turning over and stuffing it into a container can be so empowering and liberating - at least that's how it has been for me.
You're doing GREAT! Put the whip away and go do the next right thing!
Take what you like and leave the rest....
hugs,
bg
p.s. congrats on expecting your 3rd child !! Such a blessing
