an introduction and request for support - Al-Anon Family Group

rosielee · Senior Member

an introduction and request for support

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are here Rosie. Great place for you.

Al Anon can teach us so much. We can make a new life for ourselves. It helps us emotionally and mentally, thus it does physically too.

Your mum, even though not drinking is still an addict. They have many other behaviors that are just as hard or worse to deal with. That is what you are seeing.

We learn through Al Anon we need to love ourselves enough to put ourselves first. If we are not healthy we are no good for anyone else.

I know many of our members have gone through or are going through what you are. I was blessed to have a good childhood and an AH who did not attack my person.

I can see the pain in your post. Please keep coming and sharing. Getting it out is a big help. Knowing you are not the only one helps too.

Am wondering if you build how YOU feel about YOU, then what she says won't mean much.

Do know also we teach others how to treat us.

Wish I was more help just keep coming back. love,debilyn

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Rosie,

Welcome to MIP I am glad you found us. You are in the right place.

My "A" is my husband. I was able to relate to your post, but I know we have some differences because our situations were different.

I remember not feeling good enough for my mother as a child. I am her only daughter and she would be the frilly girly things for me to wear, but I am more of a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl. I know she was disappointed that I wasn't more girly and often told me so. She said mean and very hurtful things to me and some of that I am still working through.

Now my mom is not an alcoholic/addict. But something that helped me work through the pain of my childhood was that I truly believe my mom did the best she could with what she had at the time. She would change things if she could, but I am who I am today because of what I went through so I wouldn't change what happened. Do I wish it was different, yes of course. But I have accepted what has happened and I am really starting to like who I am.

The drinking and drugging is just a symptom of the disease. You take the drinking away and the disease is still there. The verbal abuse and whatnot are also symptoms of the disease. Keep in mind the 3 C's 1) You didn't cause it 2) You can't control it 3) you can't cure it.

What works for me is limiting my time with my "A". We are going through a divorce and I try to keep all communication only about the kids. When he starts going into his disease and throwing nastiness and hate at me I end the conversation.

You need to keep in mind that their disease has to make it all about someone else so they don't have to accept personal responsibility. They are going to be so busy pointing the finger anywhere they can so it isn't pointed at them. Just keep in mind that what she is saying isn't true. You seem to have an icredible ammount of patience for her I think I would have pulled the car over and asked her to get out. Hmmm probably told her to get out.

Do you go to meetings? I think you would get a lot out of them.

We have a chat room that is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There are meetings twice a day in the room.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to the streams of consciousness about my family of origin. My mother was a compulsive over eater but she certainly had major mental health issues.

I do know the more I bought into the fact that my mother could change the sicker I got. When I got to some detachment then I could work on not being so overwhelmed.

Al anon can give you a lot. The people here give me things my family never did, acceptance, approval, encouragement. I will probably never get them from my family ( I am accepting of that now but it took me a lot of work to get there).

I do know that ACA literature helped me. There is a wealth of it out there. You can look at what role you played in the family. How those roles follow us.

I am so glad you are here. The holidays are a very difficult time for us.

Maresie.

Overcome · Senior Member

Rosielee,

So glad you've joined us here on the message board. You will find here the support and friendship you've been looking for. One thing I've learned about alcoholics is that expecting ANYTHING from them that remotely looks like support, is like going to the hardware store for bread. You ain't gonna find it!

I sympathize with the plight of your mother and your family of origin. I myself did not grow up with alcoholic parents, but did have a very dysfunctional family in the way that we communicated with each other. There was much triangulation between my mom, my dad and me. My dad (probably a sober alcoholic) did not know how to relate his feelings to me so would ask my mom to convey his feelings to me by proxy. Very dysfunctional.

When I was in my late 20's (I'm 47 now) he started talking to me some and we were able to have some very good talks late in his life. He died at the ripe old age of 86, with never having said, "I love you." to his daughter (me). I chalk this up to his generation and his inablility to express emotion. I have forgiven him for this and accepted it, but it does leave a blank hole in my life.

These discrepancies and shortcomings of my parents led me to look for love "in all the wrong places" and eventually led me into the arms of an alcoholic. I felt as if I could help him, somehow, it would make my life worthwhile. This was my disease and my dysfunction.

I struggled for 4 and a half years in this marriage before I realized I was losing myself and who I was. I married at 19 and just wanted someone to "love" me. (See the lack of love from my father being passed down to an unhealthy desire to look for love from all men.) I had started the chain of dysfunction in my own life.

This was a very abusive 4 and a half years, in which I suffered much physical and mental abuse at the hands of an alocholic. I was SO determined to make the marriage work, that I forgot and left God out of it. I did the usual searching for him at bars, smelling his breath to see if he had been out drinking. Staying up late and rehearsing my rebuttal to him when he got home and on and on it went.

But to my credit, I didn't have al-anon at the time and I didn't have the twelve steps, the serenity prayer, the slogans or all of you good people. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had, but that's projecting and living in the past and that does me no good today.

Because I got no help for myself and continued in MY dysfunctional role of looking for a "savior" to "rescue" me from my problems, I immediately after the first divorce went into a relationship with a man that seemed to hold all the answers to my problems. Yet when you look to another human being to "solve your problems" instead of the "problem solver" (the God of your understanding) then disaster ensues. And so it did.

My marriage to my second alcoholic lasted a total of a year and a half, with me feeling worthless, used, a failure at marriage ( 2 failed marriages at this point) and a deepened sense that I somehow "didn't measure up" because of it. I did all the classic alcoholic wife things in this marriage also...checked the level of whiskey in the bottle daily, smelled for alcohol on his breath when he had been out, tried to micro-mange his life and was all "the worse for the wear" because of it. This marriage too, ended in divorce.

Fortunately at this point in my life a good friend introduced me to the 12-step programs. Even though at the time I did not have an alcoholic in my home, I did have to deal with a latter stage alcoholic in my job. The tools I learned in Al-anon became invaluable in dealing with the disease of alcoholism as I came to understand it and as it manifested itself in my life through my alcoholic boss.

During this time, I met a wonderful man, who had grown up in an alcoholic home and was dead set against drinking and other addictions (or so I thought). His father had recently joined AA (when I met him) and the boyfriend and I attended Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings (ACOA) together for a year and a couple of months. I did not understand that this was a codependent act or that it invited commiserating in the worst sense. I later learned that this was unhealthy behavior on my part and found myself an Al-anon group in my area and started attending it on my own. (For after all I WAS NOT the Adult Child of Alcoholic Parents, I was the twice divorced wife of two alcoholics). Al-Anon was a perfect fit for me. That was 18 years ago, this October. I am ever so grateful for all that al-anon has done for me. It has taken me through many a hardship and trial since.

It carried me through my diagnosis of cancer back in 1994 and my remission and cure. It took me through the rough patches of my marriage to my ACOA husband, my 3rd yet not final marriage, which probably taught me more about "alcoholism as a family disease" than the other two marriages combined.

Al-Anon stuck by me when I learned that my alcoholic father-in-law was the perpertrator of childhood incest to my 3rd husband for 8 years of his precious childhood.

Al-Anon stood my me during the birth of our precious daughter who is now 12 years of age and a blessing and light in my life.

Al-Anon was a constant support for me in 2000, when I learned that my 3rd husband had pancreatic cancer and had less than a 10% chance to live.

Al-Anon stood by me when I found out quite by accident that my 3rd husband had a pornography addiction that had pulled him into the viewing of child porn because of his own abuse and victimization. (Yes, he survived the cancer...a miracle.)

Again, through my sponsor, this time, I was supported in a "safe house" type of environment as my 3rd husband slowly deteriated to the state of mental confusion and meltdown, threatening me and our then 1 year old daughter, because of his inablility to deal with his past and his own dysfunctions.

I stayed close to my Al-anon program during this time and through out the legal seperation and divorce from my 3rd husband. This kept me sane and on course. It was after things settled down that I got away from the program for a bit and started trying to live life on life's terms again, that I got involved with another alcoholic. This is why it is imperative for me that I stay on top of my program and keep my Al-Anon tools polished, so as not to "fall back into the pre-al-anon days".

I ended up marrying into my 4th marriage in which I had to deal with alcoholism. This time I learned what a "dry drunk" was, as my husband vowed to stop drinking because of my background and knowing what I had gone through prior. He accomplished this "white-knuckled" feat quite on his own, but he never got over the "isms" of the disease and carried them into our marriage.

After 3 years in this marriage, we seperated and he returned to his drinking. The "isms were always there. The dry drunk syndrome was always prevalent. (If you've never heard of it google it, it's quite interesting how alcoholics never quite get away from their disease, even if they quit the booz, without the help of a HP and a true and sincere spiritual awakening, change just does not take place).

So here I am 28 years later and so much wiser about the disease of alcoholism and the effects on the family. I have Al-Anon to thank for that. It has nutured me through all my ups and downs and carried me through all kind of trials, only some of which I have mentioned here.

I hope that my story will help you see how Al-anon and a true working of the program can change your life, it has mine. If you take it One Day at a Time and One problem at a Time, work the steps, get a sponsor, find f2f meetings and attend them faithfully like your life depended on it (because, my friend, it does) then you will find the help and solace you have been looking for.

Peace and Shalom to you.

Overcome

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.