Hi Isabella,

I'm sorry to have confused you. I didn't mean to sound critical of his parents (mom really). No, I'm not doing anything even remotely like what his mom is doing. LOL she's still doing it, he doesn't need me for that! I didn't feel that the details were relevant to what I was feeling - which was simply guilt about putting him out without fair warning and fear that I would be hurting more than helping by doing so.

He's never lived at home. He's always lived alone or with a roommate. His mom does things like pay medical expenses (no medicaid he doesn't qualify and comp only covers injury related medical), buys him clothes, extra food (which now comes here lol boy oh boy), stuff like that. Comp checks (which is insurance money not state money btw- he was hurt on the job) go to her house. Shortly after he got hurt, he had been between apartments for a few weeks staying with a friend. His gf was sleeping with another of his friends and so he left her. He didn't have a permanent address to give to the insurance co., so he gave them mom's. Ever since then that's how it's been. She gets his comp check. Bills either get mailed or dropped off to her house and she sends out payments. There's an envelope with "his" money in it - which she certainly has to be padding given that he almost always had money to go spend in the bar after the bills were paid. It would be better if she would stop covering the extras (food or clothes he doesn't need the man has more clothes than me and my 2 kids combined) and giving him extra money to spend in the bar. He would get a nice dose of reality if nothing else. He's never had to do the math - its either been whatever woman he lived with and now his mom. His mom refuses to accept that he's an A, even after he told her so, and she knows he drinks the extra money and then chastises him for doing it! He can't even charge things he needs, parts for the truck etc. She sees the bill. She gets angry at him for not asking her for the money. He can't do for himself what he needs to do without becoming the bad guy in her eyes. He gets sick, he won't see a Dr. because he can't afford to pay cash (yeah because he drinks the extra money she pads the envelope with) He had a chronic sinus infection for 6 months before he finally broke down and went. He doesn't want her help (unless its $$ to go to the bar obviously). That's his disease. I try to keep myself seperate from that - even when it's listening to the oh woe is me and I feel like crap can't I get a break for 6 months because he'd rather spend $80 in the bar a few nights a week. His choice. No, I never even bothered to point this out to him.

He never asks her to do these things. He has never been happy with this setup but his mom wants to do these things. She knows better than him - she's a bookkeeper after all. He has arguments with his father. "You have to take this - you know how she is." I've witnessed this. I'm not as gullible you may think. If mom sees a need for something, or thinks he should have something, whether he wants it or not, she just gives. He never asks. Never even has to con. If he says no, and he's tried, hurt, anger and tears ensue. I don't blame her for wanting to help him. He's hurt, and legitimately can't work. He is NOT in anyway happy about the situation. He was in prime physical condition and made a good living prior to his injury. The injury took alot out of him emotionally, mentally and obviously physically. He very much appreciates his parents and all that they do BUT he has never liked be taken care of as if he were an incompetent child. Her help is in a way hurting him and he knows it. It makes him feel badly. Not that he doesn't have an irrational sense of entitlement. He absolutely does. How could he have anything but? I suspect that if his mom wasn't doing all of this, yes he would expect it because all of his life he's had things handed to him by her. This is the norm for him.

He needs $1200+ worth of repairs on his truck, brakes and transmission. He needs to buy professional clothes to interview/work in. She's recently started buying him these because he wen't out and charged some he needed for an in-class mock interview. No, he doesn't even get to choose what he wears. He needs major dental work, no insurance. Comp simply did not cover those expenses - him drinking or not. There is no money to save up for these expenses - drinking or not. There is no extra. Nadda. He can't work even part time - any money he makes would then be deducted from comp, and if he worked the comp might stop entirely. He needed what little medical coverage he could get from comp - therapy, potentially more surgery etc. He can't get ahead without the degree because he can't do physical labor anymore and has no other skills. He needs the degree....what he's been working towards at least. So, to do the things he needs to do to move forward, he would have to get the money from his parents. He did NOT want to ask for it. He never asked for it. He wants very much to do for himself. She often will not let him. I EXPECT him to. Silly me. His truck would have been undriveable and then they would hand him the money. By that point he would have no choice but to take it or quit school, or rely on me or a drunk" friend" because he would have no way to get there. Thankfully, that's not where he wanted to be.

I live 1 mile from his school. He lived 15. I need repairs on this house - stuff he can do that will cost me money I don't have to have someone come do. We'd both be saving money. I'm starting a business. I could use some help with that - he could answer calls while I'm out. By him not having rent/utililties I figured he would be able to spend the money on clothes, vehicle repairs - the stuff he absolutely needed to move forward. Things he wanted and seemed ready, willing and very much wanting to do. Things he couldn't afford do - drinking or not.

So, I went into this with my eyes half open anyway. I never expected him to stop drinking. I lived with an A for 14 years. He was drunk every day for the last 5 years we were together. His net worth was over 6M when we split. Highly functional alcoholic. No, I didn't get any of that money - we weren't married, I got the kids and 30k in bills lol so bf is NOT after my money, I ain't got any! He can have some of the debt if he wants it though - lol he's gonna be rich soon ;) So I guess I figured this one might be a functional A too? He was before his injury. He's been going to school - top of his class despite the drinking. Smart guy. I figured with all I've learned in this program since the split with my ex in '99 that I might actually possibly LIKE living with an A this time around. uhm NOPE :) I figured he'd do the things he said he wanted and needed to do to move his life forward. My ex did. That's been MY experience with this disease. I figured I'd have a companion. Doh!! We pretty much only saw each other weekends prior to him moving in. Guess he kinda wants to keep it that way eh? ;)

My thinking now is that he doesn't have to move forward because he's getting the settlement money. He can live in his addictions for another 2 years or so. He was moving forward until he found out about the money. Then it just stopped he and he started drinking and gaming non-stop. This didn't become an issue until after he moved in. Lawyer called and told him the insurance company wanted to do a lump sum payment and cover any medical expenses related to the injury for lifetime rather than pay out weekly. He kinda had to take it. He needs the medical coverage for the pre-existing condition. Had either of us known about the insurance money prior, he wouldn't be here. We both like our space, we both would actually would rather have lived apart. We were happy with the status quo. He had to move. The house he was living in was going on the market and he had a month to save up for the security deposit etc (barring getting the money from mom which he didn't want to do) and find a place he could afford - hard to do in a month, rent isn't cheap in these parts. No it's not a con, I know for a fact that was the situation. This just seemed like a decent option for both of us at the time. A try it and see how it goes sorta thing.

Potential? Well, he's kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent. We get along. I enjoy his company. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything or nothing for hours on end - ok well just on weekends ;) We both want the same things in life. He's just not ready to go get them. I thought he was. My bad. So, my original post, basically I was just confused. I will not tolerate the treatment he dealt out to me on Saturday (I'd not experienced it to that extreme to date) and I obviously do not have the tools I need to live happily with it given my reaction. I know that for as long as he's not moving forward and feeling guilty about it, he's going to continue to lash out at me. Not what I want. The grown up lifestyle isn't fun for him and it's my fault. I wanted to ask him to leave asap. He could stay with his parents or his heavily drinking buddy while he found his own place. Neither of which are "healthy" options for him. Not that here is either come to find. I felt guilty about not wanting or even being able to live with this and I felt guilty for wanting to ask him to leave without fair warning. That's all. I still may let him stay until Aug 1, if he can't find a place sooner. Haven't decided on that for sure though. I don't feel its right to say you have a home, and then say uhm no ya don't. Repeat of our last argument and I'll carry his stuff outta here myself ;) Doesn't matter.....he hasn't been back and isn't returning my calls so...just gonna let God take it from here on out.