"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Rora · Senior Member

Do you ever think Alanon is just a way to cope with an unhappy marriage?

babysteps · Senior Member

I am actually going to print your post out and keep it to remind me of my former life.

In my case, al anon helped me cope with an unhappy marriage until I was in a good mental position to decide my own future. I was very committed to my AH and our marriage. Joining al anon allowed me to remove the chaos from my own thought process and realize that I deserve more. It allowed me to choose myself, my happiness. One thing I try to keep in mind when I reflect on my decision to leave is this...If you are in a sinking boat with someone who can't swim, do you stay in the boat or swim for shore?

Now that I have had a year free of chaos, and am experiencing a fulfilling relationship with someone who has no addictions, it is easy to see that I made the right decision.

Best wishes and good luck, Babysteps

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand where u are coming from, Rora. I was mad too about all the changing I had to and it seemed like the A's didnt have to do anything. The problem is, this is our disease, the fact that we cant focus on us, we're obsessed with other people. As long as we focus on them or what we arent getting or are projecting into the future, we are not living in our lives right now/today. We live in a fantasy world vacilating between wanting to have the ideal life or marriage and in denial of ourselves and the issue of powerlessness.

I do not believe alanon is a way to merely cope with an unhappy marriage. Alanon is a map for us to learn to live life in a healthy manner. It gives us coping skills for life, our life. Alanon is a way for us to learn healthy ways to behave and think, replacing our old tapes of feeling like we arent good enough.

So, the confusion sets in. What if I want to share my life with my spouse?
That is a natural desire. Learn to love yourself as ur own first priority and then u can share yourself and ur life.

What if I want to have an emotional connection with my spouse?
This is a natural desire. Your spouse has to be emotionally able to do this as well.

What if I want the truth from my spouse?
Yes, again but we all know that A's lie continually.

What if I don't want my spouse to relapse?
This is fear & projecting, we cannot control the future or what they do.

What if I want to be vulnerable to my spouse and trust that he'll make good decisions in the best interest of everyone?
Again, consider the source, if ur married to an A, this wont be reality.

What if I want to rely on my spouse?
You wont until they decdie to get into a program and face their issues.

What if I want a capable, honest, plugged in partner?
Look at why u are with an A, in the first place. Do u feel u deserve better or do u think u deserve what u are getting.

I know I had to look long & deep at myself. I did not feel worthy of love and I did not love myself. In the last three years, I have worked to love me like my own best friend. I have leanred to put me first.

If u try to get happiness outside of yourself, u wont ever be satisfied. It is a spiritual proposition.

I was told if I was confused, there was something about reality I wasnt accepting. Focsu on you. Determine what ur trued needs are vs. your wants/desires.

Healthy people have boundaries. Work to create some that are good for you. I know I had no emotional boundaries previously. Today I do have them and Im able to be closer to others bc of them.

N8SMOM · Senior Member

"What this says to me is find a way to make yourself happy without having to depend on "him" to make you happy, share happy times with, share a life with, be there for you emotionally, tell you the truth, make good decisions in the best interest of the family, etc. Don't rely on him (or anyone) to make you happy."

Then what's the point in being married to this person? I SO get what you're saying.

I like what babysteps said: In her case Al-Anon gave her the knowledge and strength to decide for herself that she wanted something better and she got it. In my case, I can't imagine living alone right now. It scares me to death to think about being a single mom, to not have a job, to have to share custody with an active drinker, etc. I'm hoping that Al-Anon will one day give me the strength and knowledge to figure out what is best for me and do it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Morning Rora

I thought about the questions and decided that I do not agree.

Alanon and the tools of this program taught me how to "Love myself and others Unconditionally" and for that am eternally grateful.

Praying for our peace.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of December 2009 07:44:01 PM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

great post Rora....

I guess, for me, Al-Anon restored the self-confidence in me so that I could, indeed, take care of me, and live a happy life once again.... My life was a mess, my marriage was a mess, and all my focus was on my A & her drinking/lying/manipulating..... Al-Anon gave me the toolset to re-focus my attention on myself and my kids, which was huge..... In my case, this meant the ultimate end of our (bad) marriage, but "success" has many different flavors.... Thanks in large part to Al-Anon, I am way healthier today, than I was 8 years ago....

Al-Anon doesn't determine whether we stay or leave our A, what they advocate is, no matter what you choose, you have the ability (and the right) for peace, serenity, and happiness....

Take care
Tom

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

uh no I don't . This program changed my life for the better , I may have gotten here because of an alcoholic but he is certainly not the reason I am still here. seems I was doing somethings that were contributing to my own misery , didn't take me long to figure out I was in big trouble long before I met my husb . but it did take me a while to admit it .
My self will run riot attitude got me into alot of trouble , did this program allow me to stay in a marriage that I thought was over ? yes it did until I could take a good honest look at my own character and fix what was causing me a problem .
Today by practicing the principles of this program I am a better mother , a better wife and I finally know how to be a friend . Self discovery was a win win situation for me , with or with out him I win .
I have been married a long time * husb sober along time * is life perfect ? NO
but it sure is alot better than when i arrived here . I made a decission along time ago to recover and not let this disease win , it had taken enough from me .
All of the things u listed in your post I have in my life today and that is thanks to this program .
Life continues to happen all around us but today I know how to handle it .

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Excellent thought-provoking post Rora. I agree with you on many levels.

Diva

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't either. The common denominator in mine was addiction. No chemical
addiction in the past 16 years on this marriage. In or out of a marriage I'm
the person I have to manage and I need management tools and upper
management leadership and control. ((((hugs))))

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I was thinking about this for a while... and this is my initial response.

Al-Anon is not a "bend over and take it" program.

I know what I have personally learned from this program is that life is full of choices. Acceptance, self-care, and looking to my HP for guidance are all important components for me.

I know we primarily say this is all the disease of alcoholism that we're dealing with, but I honestly believe this is more truly the disease of human nature we are dealing with.

Is there such a thing as a conflict-free relationship? I don't think so. I just don't believe the fantasies Hollywood tries to show me in movies about families who have little spats and then resolve their differences immediately and the family is magically okay and everyone can be happy again for the rest of their lives.

I can't please everyone all the time.

That also means everyone can't please me all the time.

I've learned it's unrealistic to expect one person, especially, to fulfill all my needs and wants. I know I balk when the alcoholic in my life tries to put me on that pedestal. "You're supposed to be THIS kind of a wife!" Um, excuse me?? Not in my value system. My saying the exact same thing to my AH just may be generating the same "Not in my value system," response from him.

I'm learning I've had some very unrealistic expectations of my AH - that he's supposed to be capable of making and keeping me happy all the time.

Just doesn't work that way, and it's the exact same thing with all my other relationships. My best friend of 24 years and I have had our spats every now and then.

I think the possibility of problems just increases with the more expectations we put on someone. That other person, no matter who it is, is not God - therefore is not perfect, and therefore will not be capable of reading my mind and making sure I'm happy and stay happy his or herself at the same time.

I've learned that if I want to maintain a relationship with someone, that means there's going to have to acceptance on my part. If I cannot accept that person for who they are, then the course of least resistance is to either move on or learn to get some of those expectations filled in a healthy way that is morally okay in MY book with other people.

This doesn't mean I have to be a doormat and let someone trample all over me. I can create boundaries and stick to them.

In no way have I ever personally interpreted Al-Anon's message as being one of Stick With Your Spouse No Matter What. The beauty of this program is that it has prepared me personally to grow enough where I can get to a place where I can accept that someone is the way they are and that they're not going to change, but I can make a choice and move on if I want to because I know with absolute certainty I'll be okay no matter what.

I used to cringe when I heard it, because it sounds so patronizing, but I know in my own life, I'm not a victim if I choose to stay with someone who does things and has personality traits that rub me the wrong way. I'm a volunteer.

Stay or leave or do something in between - it's all your choice because it's your life.

blender_girl · Senior Member

What a great thread!

I so understand your perspective, Rora.

The opinion I have arrived at is that Al-Anon gives us skills to cope with LIFE - whatever it throws our way. We just happen to stumble on the program in an initial effort to alleviate the pain and chaos that comes with living with an A.

Just my $.02.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

Thanks for posting

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Rora wrote:

I find that Alanon suggests many tools in coping with unhappiness. Keep the focus on me. Worry about my own back yard. You didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't control it/others. Don't have any expectations. Set boundaries. Fill your life with other things. and on and on and on.

What this says to me is find a way to make yourself happy without having to depend on "him" to make you happy, share happy times with, share a life with, be there for you emotionally, tell you the truth, make good decisions in the best interest of the family, etc. Don't rely on him (or anyone) to make you happy.

so find other people who you can trust with your feelings and fears. Don't rely on him for anything, because he's unavailable because of the disease and don't trust him to make healthy decisions because he's incapable because of the disease, don't expect him not to drink because relapse is part of the disease, and don't expect him to tell the truth because conning is part of the disease, ...... and so on and so on.....

Dear Rora

I came to this same place with my Ex AH----I was living, essentially a "single" life with a wedding band---I wanted the things you named above---I knew I deserved those things-- A lot of my friends had most of it---Family too---But not me---So I made the big decision to leave the relationship---

Alanon, too, had me feeling that "here are the tools for you to cope"----I want more than coping---I want to live---I left him because there was no going into recovery, so the hand writing was on the wall----If I was going to live a single life, I may as well be and be minus the hassle, disappointments, lies, excuses, drama, chaos, roller coaster rides---

I relate to your post so very much because I was in your shoes---I live alone now, and whether I find another spouse or not, it is alright because I have me and my peace

Thank you for your honest share

Dyinginside · Veteran Member

Al Anon can be healing and at the same time, telling you to take it.

I think it depends on the meeting and who's in it

In my home group, there are a lot of "elders" who've been there for 25 yrs. They go to meeting religiously every week and still are with their husbands.

These women are from the old school as well and pretty much stayed with men who drank and lived their lives.
Divorce was frowned upon back in their day.

You also have to keep in mind, Al Anon is a program started by women who also came from that generation where divorce was not the best option.

Like they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest.
Al Anon is empowering and can be if you use only what you need.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"