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I won't go into all of the incidents of this past weekend, just the latest that's irritating me. I don't think I reacted correctly and I need some input.
Yesterday evening, I was missing $3 from my purse. I normally don't keep cash in there because it seems to walk off on it's own. I called my alcoholic (he had left to "move his truck" because it was parked in a zone that he would be towed if he stayed there too long) and said he didn't take it. He tried for the rest of that evening to convince me that he didn't take it. I was certain he did but there's always that doubt because you love the alcoholic and you don't want to believe that they did something to hurt you again.
I watched him move his truck. He was parked in a spot this morning that he drove past when I watched him park last night. My theory, he quick drove to the liquor store and bought a generic bottle with my $3 and parked in the spot he drove past (I was brushing my teeth, didn't witness the exact time of his parking- gave up at that point).
He snored loudly all night which is one of the signs that he has been drinking.
I asked him if he had, of course he denied it. Then, I found bottles in the basement. I didn't move them or dump them. Before I left work I told him, "I know that you were drinking last night. I've seen the bottles, my $3 is missing, and I saw you drive past your parking spot last night."
He denied it up until about 30 minutes ago when he asked where I found the bottles because he disposed of his outside in the trash (we live in the city). The sick person in me didn't want to tell him because there could still be alcohol in there. But, the wants to get well person in me told him where they are because I can't control it, he'll find them anyhow, and if there is alcohol in them, it could save me $3.
I have been making pumpkin rolls to sell for some extra cash this month and I told him he owes me 15 minutes of pumpkin roll making for that $3. I probably won't let him anyhow because he'll mess it up.
About the beginning of December, I gave him a 30 day warning. I told him to he has 30 days to get his crap together and get sober or get out. Shouldn't he have to be sober for a certain amount of time for that warning to be effective? I should have thought about this. But he could technically drink up until day 29 and be sober on the 30th day and claim to have gotten his crap together.
So, did I not react appropriately? Should I have not confronted him? I think he's convinced me so many times that he hasn't been drinking that he doesn't actually know when I know. I don't know if that matters because I am so deep in his sickness I can barely see my way out.
I am assuming from your post that u do not attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself , please find meetings as soon as possible u need support from people who understand exactly where your at , this board is great but its just not enough u never win with this disease , ultimatums don't work , tears dont work threats don't work . Until he says what he is doing is causin ghim a problem It isn't . its causing u a aproblem and al anon will help . It only takes one person to change to create change . Alcoholics lie to get what they need they will promise and say anythiing to get us off thier back and out of thier face . this is a disease and u too have to recover . Please find meetings for yourself .
I do attend meetings. I'm still fairly new and I didn't know that telling him I knew he drank was a good response on my part to his drinking. I know I shouldn't be looking for bottles but I was mad about the $3. I think I was just trying to prove that he stole it because I was so darn mad. It didn't help me being mad but I now have closure as to where my money went. I know it's a small amount of money but I work hard to earn it.
Your reaction was normal. Most of us have done simular things. I remember when it finally came to me, I realized that all my checking, diging, hiding and worrying was not doing me one bit of good. I realized over time that my alocholic was going to do what she was going to do. The question was, what was I going to do? The three C's also kicked in, and best thing I ever did was start taking care of myself first, then I turned my alocholic over to my HP. I never took her back from him, not once. Guess what? I got better, and so did she. Isn't it amazing what can happen when we finally "Let Go And Let God."
Your actions are very common, and most of us here (definitely me!) have done the same things over and over.... My sponsor used to tease me, and say "gee Tom.... you caught your alcoholic...... drinking! What an accomplishment!" (heavy dosages of sarcasm, obviously, lol).
As far as the right and wrong thing.....
Will it help him get sober? Nope Will it cause him to drink more? Nope Will it help you feel better? Perhaps, but only short-lived (one of the big issues in looking for bottles, is if you "know" he has been drinking, your perception isn't likely to change, even if you don't find the bottles).
My advice, learned the hard way, is that a lot of this energy/focus that you are spending on him, and what he is or isn't doing, etc., could be far better put to use on your own recovery..... He will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do? Choose recovery for you....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with everyone's comments so I won't re-say it. My suggestion is to (as you said you usually do), don't keep money in your purse, or hide it in there really well. You are fairly certain he took it, lesson learned. p.s. Being sober 1 day does not constitute getting his crap together. It is important when we say these things to be willing to back them up or your words have no power and are meaningless. You can always redefine your own boundary statement. After all, it's yours. If he's half way through those 30 days with no attempt, IMO day 29 is manipulative on his part.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks! I shouldn't have looked for them. I was just trying to prove that he stole the $3 from me. Next time, there will be no money in my purse to cause a situation like this. I always feel better after coming here and talking to all of you.
Alcoholics do what alcoholics do - they drink . treat him as if ( as if he is drinking) use the program , al anon responses work . The need to be right serves no purpose except to keep u busy . i was one of those who checked the garbage cans for empties , still not sure why hehe . I am sure u have better things to do than look for bottles like have a nice hot bubble bath and let him do what alcoholics do . I heard a speaker say u can hole em up in concrete and they will still come out drunk . they find it they hide it and they drink it . period Louise
like have a nice hot bubble bath and let him do what alcoholics do . I heard a speaker say u can hole em up in concrete and they will still come out drunk . they find it they hide it and they drink it . period Louise